The title of this post is in reference to the song "Animal" by Neon Trees. I LOVE the Glee version, but this post doesn't really have anything to do with what the song is actually about. Rimshot has been messaging me on facebook chat again recently (we're talking as I type this, and I'm kind of distracted. I appologize in advance if I start going off on tangents). Again, the conversations have pretty much all been focused on sex, but this time drinking has been included (not that I have anything against it, but when paired with sex the consequences can be nasty). Part of me feels like maybe something is going on (why else would he want to talk to me like every day)...but there's another part of me that's like "he's just a guy and guys can be douches sometimes". Also, guys differ from girls in that they like to keep looking even when they have someone. I mean, I guess we do too sometimes, but I feel like men do it more. ::SHRUG::
To refer back to my previous entry on this topic, I think what I was trying to say when I said "guys like to brag sometimes about the sexual things they do with girls" was that guys think more about sex than us women do.
::SHRUG:: I'm sooooo distracted right now. Between trying to have a conversation with Rimshot, and trying to have one with my mom and brother in the next room and trying to write this post I can't concentrate. I will definitely come back and edit this later.
That's all for now.
--Emily
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
More Mother(board) Issues
Hi again. So this is the original post that I was thinking about posting in the first entry that I posted tonight, when I said that I was going to "re-post another post from a while ago that I also just re-read, and I feel is relevant to my life again". Sorry if that was confusing :P, but here are bits and pieces of the post:
I remember a while ago I was having a conversation with my best friend from home about my mom (I feel like that's a topic that kind of dominates our conversations...but it's a huge problem in my life because we pretty much don't see eye to eye on ANYTHING and things that I think would be easier / better to do usually aren't to her) and she said that I have to pick my fights. To quote her, she said:
"Your mom seems to pick a fight over everything and you can't change that, so you have to really really think about what you want to fight back about. If you don't think it's worth fighting about, then just don't fight back, even if that means you say "you're right" and move on. You have to find the words to say to shut down the argument, even if it's just a nod and an "ok". Ok doesn't mean you agree, it means you are listening. You have to try. You could even say "I don't want to argue about this." It might be trial and error, but you either argue with her or give her attitude when she picks a fight, or you do whatever you can to diffuse the situation, not both".
The reason why I brought this up is because I feel like this is the hardest thing for me to figure out, especially now, with what's going on with John (there have been some recent developments which I will talk about in a bit). In general I feel like I never know what to say / when to say it in certain situations with my mom. Because she picks a fight / makes a big deal about almost everything, it is hard to know what to say to her in general. I feel like, instinctively, when I am trying to defend myself my voice naturally rises. It's not something that I can usually detect / notice...but my mom tells me all the time that I am "raising my voice to her" or "giving her an attitude".
Today I learned that at least for right now, I should just do whatever my mom tells me to do no matter what, and don't question it / argue. We got into a huge fight because we went to get manicures and then I wanted to go to the post office to get something and my phone started to ring while I was there and I didn't want to mess up my nails and my mom was waiting for me, and I ended up missing the call (It was nothing really important anyway...just my cousin trying to call me because he's coming for dinner tonight) and messing up my nails and my mom offered to take me so they could get fixed but I knew she wanted to get home to be there for my brother when he got home, so I told her to just go home and that I wasn't getting out of the car and she basically told me that I was acting like a baby so I rushed out of the car and to the nail place and let them fix my nails but of course we continued to fight on the way home because I had picked a stupid thing to fight about in the first place. End of story. Again, I feel like this (at least this part of the entry) is one of those things that I am going to look back at and think that it was stupid. Because it WAS.
Basically, my mom and I have been fighting over REALLY STUPID things again lately. I guess because I thought that I wasn't going to have to go through this whole cancer thing again, I kind of forgot how to pick and choose what to fight about. I feel like this happens to me a lot. Something will happen that is not particularly enjoyable or pleasant, and I'll block it out of my mind, and then it will happen again in the future and I'll forget how I handled it / be stuck in the same position I was the first time it happened. I feel like I should be learning from my mistakes, but maybe the fact that they are surrounded by bad things that are happening makes them harder to learn from.
Again, I think that's all I wanted to say for right now. I'm kinda tired and should probably go to sleep as I have to go back to the city tomorrow and this week is going to be really busy. I have three words for you before I go, which I will elaborate on in a future entry: FLORIDA ON FRIDAY!!!!!!!! :D
More soon,
--Emily
I remember a while ago I was having a conversation with my best friend from home about my mom (I feel like that's a topic that kind of dominates our conversations...but it's a huge problem in my life because we pretty much don't see eye to eye on ANYTHING and things that I think would be easier / better to do usually aren't to her) and she said that I have to pick my fights. To quote her, she said:
"Your mom seems to pick a fight over everything and you can't change that, so you have to really really think about what you want to fight back about. If you don't think it's worth fighting about, then just don't fight back, even if that means you say "you're right" and move on. You have to find the words to say to shut down the argument, even if it's just a nod and an "ok". Ok doesn't mean you agree, it means you are listening. You have to try. You could even say "I don't want to argue about this." It might be trial and error, but you either argue with her or give her attitude when she picks a fight, or you do whatever you can to diffuse the situation, not both".
The reason why I brought this up is because I feel like this is the hardest thing for me to figure out, especially now, with what's going on with John (there have been some recent developments which I will talk about in a bit). In general I feel like I never know what to say / when to say it in certain situations with my mom. Because she picks a fight / makes a big deal about almost everything, it is hard to know what to say to her in general. I feel like, instinctively, when I am trying to defend myself my voice naturally rises. It's not something that I can usually detect / notice...but my mom tells me all the time that I am "raising my voice to her" or "giving her an attitude".
Today I learned that at least for right now, I should just do whatever my mom tells me to do no matter what, and don't question it / argue. We got into a huge fight because we went to get manicures and then I wanted to go to the post office to get something and my phone started to ring while I was there and I didn't want to mess up my nails and my mom was waiting for me, and I ended up missing the call (It was nothing really important anyway...just my cousin trying to call me because he's coming for dinner tonight) and messing up my nails and my mom offered to take me so they could get fixed but I knew she wanted to get home to be there for my brother when he got home, so I told her to just go home and that I wasn't getting out of the car and she basically told me that I was acting like a baby so I rushed out of the car and to the nail place and let them fix my nails but of course we continued to fight on the way home because I had picked a stupid thing to fight about in the first place. End of story. Again, I feel like this (at least this part of the entry) is one of those things that I am going to look back at and think that it was stupid. Because it WAS.
Basically, my mom and I have been fighting over REALLY STUPID things again lately. I guess because I thought that I wasn't going to have to go through this whole cancer thing again, I kind of forgot how to pick and choose what to fight about. I feel like this happens to me a lot. Something will happen that is not particularly enjoyable or pleasant, and I'll block it out of my mind, and then it will happen again in the future and I'll forget how I handled it / be stuck in the same position I was the first time it happened. I feel like I should be learning from my mistakes, but maybe the fact that they are surrounded by bad things that are happening makes them harder to learn from.
Again, I think that's all I wanted to say for right now. I'm kinda tired and should probably go to sleep as I have to go back to the city tomorrow and this week is going to be really busy. I have three words for you before I go, which I will elaborate on in a future entry: FLORIDA ON FRIDAY!!!!!!!! :D
More soon,
--Emily
Explanations (and questions) Part 2...
Here's another flashback entry, because I feel like it applies to my life again (this is not the one that I was intending to post when I first mentioned it in the previous entry...you'll get that one next). I've been looking through all my entries from about a year ago, and I feel like my life has gone in one complete circle:
I apologize in advance if this is boring or confusing. I'm still trying to get my thoughts together.
So...my mom always says that I don't have to explain the choices I make to her. She always says that the more I say, the worse it is (or the worse I make it?). I can't really give a specific example (and I know that's lame and vague, but I can't really help it) because there are too many times when this happens. I feel like I have to explain my choices to everyone else, but no one else seems to really mind except my mom. I understand that she's my mom and she should just love me no matter what choices I make and accept me and my choices no matter what (even if she doesn't think they are the right choices, although usually they are, and I'm not trying to brag or make it seem like I always make the right choices because I certainly do not. I am human, and I make mistakes just like everyone else. I'm sorry if it seems like I am being defensive. I'm probably apologizing too much. I'll stop now).
I'd like to think that because she's my mom it shouldn't matter to her how much I talk or explain or try to justify my choices (even though I know I shouldn't need to do that with her because she's my mom). I'd also like to think that more than anyone, she should be the one who just listens to me and doesn't try to shut me up or tell me that the more I say the worse it is. I feel like I've gotten so accustomed to explaining and justifying my choices to other people, that it's become a bad habit that I can't break now. I feel like it will be better when I go away to school again in the fall, and everything is pretty much back to normal, but part of me wishes that my mom would just listen to me. Here I go again not knowing what to say to her. When she does things like this it makes me feel like I can't talk to her about anything / I don't know what to say and what not to say / I don't know when it is appropriate to say certain things and when it's not appropriate. ::SHRUG:: I kind of want to fast forward through the next couple months and the summer, but I have several things to look forward to in the coming weeks (i.e. Passover and going to EC and Key West).
Ok, I think you can ignore the part about how "my mom always says that I don't have to explain the choices I make to her". I feel like that is not relevant now. There are several parts that I do think are relevant though. First of all, look at the line that says "I feel like it will be better when I go away to school again in the fall, and everything is pretty much back to normal". Yeah, I've gone back to school and I'm kind of living away from home again, but not really. In a way, I feel like I never really left home, because I have continued to come home every weekend. ::SHRUG:: Also, life circumstances (read: breast cancer) have gotten in the way, making me feel like I want to keep coming home and spending time with my mom on the weekends because I feel more like a little girl than ever right now and I don't want to miss any major changes that occur. I can't imagine what it would be like if I was living more than a 30 minute train ride away from my mom right now. I can't imagine how it must be for Ben, to have not come home this whole time. If I were him I would at least have wanted to have come home for a weekend recently, just to see that our mom is okay because I know he worries too much about stuff in general as it is. To make a kind of long story short, I feel like this whole thing must be so hard for him in more ways than one and I feel like I kind of have to keep coming home, as much as I might not want to, not for myself, but for him, so that I can be one more person to assure him that our mom is okay, and she's going to be okay because I feel like he needs all the assurance he can get at this point. He also has a lot on his plate right now, and the fact that his roommate goes home randomly and spontaneously some weekends, and the fact that he's having trouble learning how to budget his money certainly don't make any of this any better. ::SHRUG:: I'm sorry that this is so long and contains several run-on sentences, but I feel like if there's any place where I can just let my thoughts flow and not censor them and not have to worry about punctuation or run-on sentences, this is it.
Ok, I think that's all for this entry, but there is still another one coming (as I said at the beginning of this entry). Get excited, few (if any) people that read this!! I think this is the most that I have ever posted on here in a row since I started this blog.
More soon,
--Emily
I apologize in advance if this is boring or confusing. I'm still trying to get my thoughts together.
So...my mom always says that I don't have to explain the choices I make to her. She always says that the more I say, the worse it is (or the worse I make it?). I can't really give a specific example (and I know that's lame and vague, but I can't really help it) because there are too many times when this happens. I feel like I have to explain my choices to everyone else, but no one else seems to really mind except my mom. I understand that she's my mom and she should just love me no matter what choices I make and accept me and my choices no matter what (even if she doesn't think they are the right choices, although usually they are, and I'm not trying to brag or make it seem like I always make the right choices because I certainly do not. I am human, and I make mistakes just like everyone else. I'm sorry if it seems like I am being defensive. I'm probably apologizing too much. I'll stop now).
I'd like to think that because she's my mom it shouldn't matter to her how much I talk or explain or try to justify my choices (even though I know I shouldn't need to do that with her because she's my mom). I'd also like to think that more than anyone, she should be the one who just listens to me and doesn't try to shut me up or tell me that the more I say the worse it is. I feel like I've gotten so accustomed to explaining and justifying my choices to other people, that it's become a bad habit that I can't break now. I feel like it will be better when I go away to school again in the fall, and everything is pretty much back to normal, but part of me wishes that my mom would just listen to me. Here I go again not knowing what to say to her. When she does things like this it makes me feel like I can't talk to her about anything / I don't know what to say and what not to say / I don't know when it is appropriate to say certain things and when it's not appropriate. ::SHRUG:: I kind of want to fast forward through the next couple months and the summer, but I have several things to look forward to in the coming weeks (i.e. Passover and going to EC and Key West).
Ok, I think you can ignore the part about how "my mom always says that I don't have to explain the choices I make to her". I feel like that is not relevant now. There are several parts that I do think are relevant though. First of all, look at the line that says "I feel like it will be better when I go away to school again in the fall, and everything is pretty much back to normal". Yeah, I've gone back to school and I'm kind of living away from home again, but not really. In a way, I feel like I never really left home, because I have continued to come home every weekend. ::SHRUG:: Also, life circumstances (read: breast cancer) have gotten in the way, making me feel like I want to keep coming home and spending time with my mom on the weekends because I feel more like a little girl than ever right now and I don't want to miss any major changes that occur. I can't imagine what it would be like if I was living more than a 30 minute train ride away from my mom right now. I can't imagine how it must be for Ben, to have not come home this whole time. If I were him I would at least have wanted to have come home for a weekend recently, just to see that our mom is okay because I know he worries too much about stuff in general as it is. To make a kind of long story short, I feel like this whole thing must be so hard for him in more ways than one and I feel like I kind of have to keep coming home, as much as I might not want to, not for myself, but for him, so that I can be one more person to assure him that our mom is okay, and she's going to be okay because I feel like he needs all the assurance he can get at this point. He also has a lot on his plate right now, and the fact that his roommate goes home randomly and spontaneously some weekends, and the fact that he's having trouble learning how to budget his money certainly don't make any of this any better. ::SHRUG:: I'm sorry that this is so long and contains several run-on sentences, but I feel like if there's any place where I can just let my thoughts flow and not censor them and not have to worry about punctuation or run-on sentences, this is it.
Ok, I think that's all for this entry, but there is still another one coming (as I said at the beginning of this entry). Get excited, few (if any) people that read this!! I think this is the most that I have ever posted on here in a row since I started this blog.
More soon,
--Emily
Getting Sick and Tired of Coming Home Every Weekend
Ok, before I get to the actual point of this entry, I feel like I need to re-post an entry from over a year ago. The exact date of this entry was 2 / 12 / 2010. I re-read it just now, and I think it applies to my life again, with everything that's been going on with my mom:
Part of me feels like this entry is long overdue, because I have been sick and tired of living at home for a while now. However, there's another part of me that feels like I really shouldn't be complaining about this at all (and still another part of me feels like I'm going to look back at this entry and think it's stupid someday, and I feel like I say that about everything I complain about, but most of the time it's true). Before I go any further, let me just say that I know my mom has been suffering / going through a difficult time lately, but still. It seems like the littlest things are setting her off / making her angry, even more so than before, like the way it was when John was alive and going back and forth between living here (aka my house, where I live with my mom and Ben) and his mom's house. I feel like I can't say anything or do anything right in her eyes. I feel like it has always been this way, but now it's just worse. I don't really think that there's anything I can do about it, either. So for now until I go to school in the fall, I just kind of have to grin and bear it. I have to really think about what's worth fighting about and what's not, and the ways in which I talk and react to her.
There's a quote from the movie Bambi that I feel like I really need to remember right now: "If you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all" .
Now replace the part that says "because I have been sick and tired of living at home for a while now" with "I am starting to get sick of coming home every weekend". Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and feel like she needs my support more than ever now, and I love coming home and doing things with her, mostly because I get tired of doing things alone during the week (when I am not at work or class). There's a part of me that wants to stop coming home altogether, maybe just for a short period of time, because I feel like I need a break and I feel like I'm not really helping her (or myself, really) by coming home. I feel like she has such a great support system (between her sisters and friends and neighbors and other relatives) that I have kind of gotten lost in the shuffle and become the least important when really I should be the most important because I am her daughter. Now I'm not saying that I feel like I need to take care of her, because I have my own life and things to worry about / take care of, but I have that same feeling that I had after John died and while he was sick, that I can't say or do anything right in my mom's eyes. I feel helpless and useless. I know that I'm not either of those things, but that's how I feel.
I think that's all I wanted to say in this post. I'm gonna re-post another post from a while ago that I also just re-read, and I feel is relevant to my life again.
More soon,
--Emily
Part of me feels like this entry is long overdue, because I have been sick and tired of living at home for a while now. However, there's another part of me that feels like I really shouldn't be complaining about this at all (and still another part of me feels like I'm going to look back at this entry and think it's stupid someday, and I feel like I say that about everything I complain about, but most of the time it's true). Before I go any further, let me just say that I know my mom has been suffering / going through a difficult time lately, but still. It seems like the littlest things are setting her off / making her angry, even more so than before, like the way it was when John was alive and going back and forth between living here (aka my house, where I live with my mom and Ben) and his mom's house. I feel like I can't say anything or do anything right in her eyes. I feel like it has always been this way, but now it's just worse. I don't really think that there's anything I can do about it, either. So for now until I go to school in the fall, I just kind of have to grin and bear it. I have to really think about what's worth fighting about and what's not, and the ways in which I talk and react to her.
There's a quote from the movie Bambi that I feel like I really need to remember right now: "If you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all" .
Now replace the part that says "because I have been sick and tired of living at home for a while now" with "I am starting to get sick of coming home every weekend". Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and feel like she needs my support more than ever now, and I love coming home and doing things with her, mostly because I get tired of doing things alone during the week (when I am not at work or class). There's a part of me that wants to stop coming home altogether, maybe just for a short period of time, because I feel like I need a break and I feel like I'm not really helping her (or myself, really) by coming home. I feel like she has such a great support system (between her sisters and friends and neighbors and other relatives) that I have kind of gotten lost in the shuffle and become the least important when really I should be the most important because I am her daughter. Now I'm not saying that I feel like I need to take care of her, because I have my own life and things to worry about / take care of, but I have that same feeling that I had after John died and while he was sick, that I can't say or do anything right in my mom's eyes. I feel helpless and useless. I know that I'm not either of those things, but that's how I feel.
I think that's all I wanted to say in this post. I'm gonna re-post another post from a while ago that I also just re-read, and I feel is relevant to my life again.
More soon,
--Emily
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