Here's another flashback entry, because I feel like it applies to my life again (this is not the one that I was intending to post when I first mentioned it in the previous entry...you'll get that one next). I've been looking through all my entries from about a year ago, and I feel like my life has gone in one complete circle:
I apologize in advance if this is boring or confusing. I'm still trying to get my thoughts together.
So...my mom always says that I don't have to explain the choices I make to her. She always says that the more I say, the worse it is (or the worse I make it?). I can't really give a specific example (and I know that's lame and vague, but I can't really help it) because there are too many times when this happens. I feel like I have to explain my choices to everyone else, but no one else seems to really mind except my mom. I understand that she's my mom and she should just love me no matter what choices I make and accept me and my choices no matter what (even if she doesn't think they are the right choices, although usually they are, and I'm not trying to brag or make it seem like I always make the right choices because I certainly do not. I am human, and I make mistakes just like everyone else. I'm sorry if it seems like I am being defensive. I'm probably apologizing too much. I'll stop now).
I'd like to think that because she's my mom it shouldn't matter to her how much I talk or explain or try to justify my choices (even though I know I shouldn't need to do that with her because she's my mom). I'd also like to think that more than anyone, she should be the one who just listens to me and doesn't try to shut me up or tell me that the more I say the worse it is. I feel like I've gotten so accustomed to explaining and justifying my choices to other people, that it's become a bad habit that I can't break now. I feel like it will be better when I go away to school again in the fall, and everything is pretty much back to normal, but part of me wishes that my mom would just listen to me. Here I go again not knowing what to say to her. When she does things like this it makes me feel like I can't talk to her about anything / I don't know what to say and what not to say / I don't know when it is appropriate to say certain things and when it's not appropriate. ::SHRUG:: I kind of want to fast forward through the next couple months and the summer, but I have several things to look forward to in the coming weeks (i.e. Passover and going to EC and Key West).
Ok, I think you can ignore the part about how "my mom always says that I don't have to explain the choices I make to her". I feel like that is not relevant now. There are several parts that I do think are relevant though. First of all, look at the line that says "I feel like it will be better when I go away to school again in the fall, and everything is pretty much back to normal". Yeah, I've gone back to school and I'm kind of living away from home again, but not really. In a way, I feel like I never really left home, because I have continued to come home every weekend. ::SHRUG:: Also, life circumstances (read: breast cancer) have gotten in the way, making me feel like I want to keep coming home and spending time with my mom on the weekends because I feel more like a little girl than ever right now and I don't want to miss any major changes that occur. I can't imagine what it would be like if I was living more than a 30 minute train ride away from my mom right now. I can't imagine how it must be for Ben, to have not come home this whole time. If I were him I would at least have wanted to have come home for a weekend recently, just to see that our mom is okay because I know he worries too much about stuff in general as it is. To make a kind of long story short, I feel like this whole thing must be so hard for him in more ways than one and I feel like I kind of have to keep coming home, as much as I might not want to, not for myself, but for him, so that I can be one more person to assure him that our mom is okay, and she's going to be okay because I feel like he needs all the assurance he can get at this point. He also has a lot on his plate right now, and the fact that his roommate goes home randomly and spontaneously some weekends, and the fact that he's having trouble learning how to budget his money certainly don't make any of this any better. ::SHRUG:: I'm sorry that this is so long and contains several run-on sentences, but I feel like if there's any place where I can just let my thoughts flow and not censor them and not have to worry about punctuation or run-on sentences, this is it.
Ok, I think that's all for this entry, but there is still another one coming (as I said at the beginning of this entry). Get excited, few (if any) people that read this!! I think this is the most that I have ever posted on here in a row since I started this blog.
More soon,
--Emily
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