Getting Sick and Tired of Coming Home Every Weekend

Ok, before I get to the actual point of this entry, I feel like I need to re-post an entry from over a year ago. The exact date of this entry was 2 / 12 / 2010. I re-read it just now, and I think it applies to my life again, with everything that's been going on with my mom:


Part of me feels like this entry is long overdue, because I have been sick and tired of living at home for a while now. However, there's another part of me that feels like I really shouldn't be complaining about this at all (and still another part of me feels like I'm going to look back at this entry and think it's stupid someday, and I feel like I say that about everything I complain about, but most of the time it's true). Before I go any further, let me just say that I know my mom has been suffering / going through a difficult time lately, but still. It seems like the littlest things are setting her off / making her angry, even more so than before, like the way it was when John was alive and going back and forth between living here (aka my house, where I live with my mom and Ben) and his mom's house. I feel like I can't say anything or do anything right in her eyes. I feel like it has always been this way, but now it's just worse. I don't really think that there's anything I can do about it, either. So for now until I go to school in the fall, I just kind of have to grin and bear it. I have to really think about what's worth fighting about and what's not, and the ways in which I talk and react to her.

There's a quote from the movie Bambi that I feel like I really need to remember right now: "If you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all" .

Now replace the part that says "because I have been sick and tired of living at home for a while now" with "I am starting to get sick of coming home every weekend". Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and feel like she needs my support more than ever now, and I love coming home and doing things with her, mostly because I get tired of doing things alone during the week (when I am not at work or class). There's a part of me that wants to stop coming home altogether, maybe just for a short period of time, because I feel like I need a break and I feel like I'm not really helping her (or myself, really) by coming home. I feel like she has such a great support system (between her sisters and friends and neighbors and other relatives) that I have kind of gotten lost in the shuffle and become the least important when really I should be the most important because I am her daughter. Now I'm not saying that I feel like I need to take care of her, because I have my own life and things to worry about / take care of, but I have that same feeling that I had after John died and while he was sick, that I can't say or do anything right in my mom's eyes. I feel helpless and useless. I know that I'm not either of those things, but that's how I feel.

I think that's all I wanted to say in this post. I'm gonna re-post another post from a while ago that I also just re-read, and I feel is relevant to my life again.

More soon,

--Emily