So...to recap the past couple days: wednesday was John's funeral, yesterday I went to work with my mom and we had shiva here at my house from 6-8 PM, and today my mom and I did errands, and then we all went to temple at 7:30 PM.
The funeral was, in one word, horrible. It was at the church where John's mom is a parishioner (that's the word for someone who attends church services, right?? I feel like that sounds right, but I'm not sure. If you're Jewish and you go to temple, we say you're a "member of the congregation"...that's all I know) and the priest was like Haitian or Ugandan or something and had the heaviest accent that no one in my family could really understand. Before the service even started one of John's sisters came over to my mom to apologize about the whole name thing in the obituary that John's family had written for him. I just don't understand how my mom and John could have been married for 12 years and no one in his family knew that my mom had changed her name. ::SHRUG:: Go figure. Anyway, the priest hardly knew John (he had only met him like twice) and spent his whole speech referring directly to John's mom and sisters, and then just giving a generic list of all the other people in John's life at the end. Also, he kept switching back and forth between talking about John the Apostle and John Lutz and it was hard to tell when he was talking about which. I think my uncle and one of the women who had cared for my grandma went up to him and complained, because after the service he came over and apologized to me, my mom and Ben. The reception was at a nice Italian restaurant near where John's mom lives called Bensi. The food was really good, and they pretty much closed the whole place down for us, which was nice. After the funeral my aunts came back with us for a little while before they went back to the city.
In case the people who read this didn't know, I LOVE preschoolers, especially 4 year olds. It's soo much fun to go into work with my mom because she's an assistant teacher in a preschool with a 4 year old class. This whole week they had been learning about Israel. On tuesday the kids got to go to the desert (in Eilat, I believe) and make necklaces and go fishing on the coast and have a sandstorm with a parachute. The lady who teaches drama (and is friends with my mom) was all dressed up in Israeli desert woman's clothing (sunglasses, head-covering, long skirt, etc.). She also had a paper camel attached to 2 chairs, and was explaining to the kids that people in the desert don't have cars, so their kids ride to school on camels. It was funny because some of the kids recognized her and were calling her by her name. :D Yesterday was their last day in Israel and they got to eat falafel and hummus on pita, sing songs (it is sooo cute to see and hear them sing, that I am literally brought to tears every time...not kidding), and then board the "plane" (which was just a bunch of seats in a tiny chapel in the mansion of the temple) back to New Jersey. While were on the "plane" we watched a "video" (which was actually a slide show of photos that had been taken throughout the whole week). It was cute to see their reactions to seeing themselves in the pictures, because they would laugh and scream when they saw themselves. There were actually several pictures of me in the slide show, because I helped with the parachute sandstorm on tuesday, so that was fun to see.
For shiva literally ALL of the women that my mom works with at the preschool showed up, in addition to some of my friends, two of Ben's teachers, my aunts, one of my mom's cousins, two of the guys that worked with John, one of John's friends that he had known since 3rd grade, some of our neighbors and several of my mom's other friends. Almost everyone brought some kind of food, so we now have enough stuff to last us for at least the month of february.
Temple was good tonight. A lot of the music is different from what I remember growing up, but the words are all still the same so it didn't really matter. The rabbi said John's name before the mourner's kaddish and we (mom, Ben, and I) stood up. It was interesting because I knew it was coming, but I still cried a little when his name was read.
Not much else is going on here...but before I completely forget, I wanted to give you the url for the other obituary that my aunts wrote for John and put in the paper the day after the one that his mom wrote:
http://obits.nj.com/obituaries/starledger/obituary.aspx?n=john-l-lutz&pid=138983924
Most of it is pretty much the same, but my mom's name is changed from Kaplan to Lutz (as was done 12 years ago, but like I said no one in his family seemed to notice...::SHRUG::), and I think it just puts us in a more favorable light instead of having all the focus be on his mom and sisters.
Ummm...I think that's all for now. More soon.
--Emily
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
SO not sure what to call this entry right now. Basically, here is the url (I tried to make it a link, but for some reason it did not show up ::SHRUG::) for the obituary that John's mom wrote and put in the Star-Ledger (which is one of the main NJ papers). I have a print copy of it myself...but the only reason I really wanted the people that read this to read it is because it is so RIDICULOUS.
http://obits.nj.com/obituaries/starledger/obituary.aspx?n=john-l-lutz&pid=138952264
That is really all I wanted to say for right now. I have no more words at the moment (aka I'm speechless). More soon (but probably not until friday or saturday).
--Emily
http://obits.nj.com/obituaries/starledger/obituary.aspx?n=john-l-lutz&pid=138952264
That is really all I wanted to say for right now. I have no more words at the moment (aka I'm speechless). More soon (but probably not until friday or saturday).
--Emily
Monday, January 25, 2010
A Speech (sp.?) for John...and other things
As promised, here is the speech (sp.?) that I wrote and was going to say at the reception after John's funeral (which is on wednesday, btdubs), but decided not to after MA so rudely told my mom that what she wrote and was going to say was "too personal". ::SHRUG::
I will always remember the first time I met John. My mom brought him home after one of their dates, and though I don't remember exactly what happened, I remember laying on the floor and knives being involved somehow. I remember being scared, but at the same time trusting this strange man that I had just met. After he married my mom, it took me a while to adjust to the fact that he was living with us, but eventually I did. The one thing that we really bonded over was our mutual love of animals. I know that going to my aunt Judy's house in Mt. Kisco or watching shows on Animal Planet or the Discovery Channel will not be the same without him.
When I went to see him with my mom for the last time on sunday (after he had passed away) I wanted to tell him that I loved him one last time, and I was working up the courage to do so, but when I saw him I was too scared to say anything. I wanted to kiss him on the cheek, but I ended up getting him half on his cheek and half on his lips. I can't really think of any way to end this, except to say: I love you, man.
And now a poem that I wrote for him one father's day:
J is for Just being there for me when I need someone to talk to, to get away from the bad things in my life.
O is for Open which I feel I can be with you, maybe more than anyone else.
H is for Helicopters which you love to build.
N is for No one else but you could be my step-dad.
I don't really know what else to say now. I should really go to sleep because I am going in to work (at the preschool) with my mom tomorrow because I'd rather be out of the house and busy (at least for part of the day if I am not going to be working any of my own jobs) than be sitting at home doing nothing and being upset about John. I will write more (and hopefully about happier things) soon.
--Emily
I will always remember the first time I met John. My mom brought him home after one of their dates, and though I don't remember exactly what happened, I remember laying on the floor and knives being involved somehow. I remember being scared, but at the same time trusting this strange man that I had just met. After he married my mom, it took me a while to adjust to the fact that he was living with us, but eventually I did. The one thing that we really bonded over was our mutual love of animals. I know that going to my aunt Judy's house in Mt. Kisco or watching shows on Animal Planet or the Discovery Channel will not be the same without him.
When I went to see him with my mom for the last time on sunday (after he had passed away) I wanted to tell him that I loved him one last time, and I was working up the courage to do so, but when I saw him I was too scared to say anything. I wanted to kiss him on the cheek, but I ended up getting him half on his cheek and half on his lips. I can't really think of any way to end this, except to say: I love you, man.
And now a poem that I wrote for him one father's day:
J is for Just being there for me when I need someone to talk to, to get away from the bad things in my life.
O is for Open which I feel I can be with you, maybe more than anyone else.
H is for Helicopters which you love to build.
N is for No one else but you could be my step-dad.
I don't really know what else to say now. I should really go to sleep because I am going in to work (at the preschool) with my mom tomorrow because I'd rather be out of the house and busy (at least for part of the day if I am not going to be working any of my own jobs) than be sitting at home doing nothing and being upset about John. I will write more (and hopefully about happier things) soon.
--Emily
Because I feel like I need to update...
I wasn't really sure what to call this post. The past couple days have been CRAZY (well...mostly just yesterday and today...but still...). You know how I posted several weeks ago (1 / 8 to be exact) about how my step-dad (John) was diagnosed with lung cancer towards the end of 2008? I don't think I mentioned that he had been in and out of the hospital...but he had. Anyway...then I posted again last week about how he only had between 2 weeks and a month left, and the cancer had spread all over.
The moral of the story (and I'm sorry to those of you who read this and didn't know yet that this is how you have to find out): John died yesterday.
I'm not really sure what to say next / how to proceed with this entry from here. There has been a lot of fighting going on between my mom and John's mom recently (and just tonight one of his sisters kind of got involved with it too). For a while John's mom felt that my mom wasn't doing a very good job taking care of John, and they were trading back and forth (i.e. when he was not in the hospital or at the hospice center, he was either here at my / my mom's house or at his mom's house...when he was at his mom's house my mom was still kind of caring for him i.e. bringing him medicine when he needed it / going to stay with him once when his mom had a doctor's appointment and didn't want to leave John alone...but that's kind of a different story). After a while things settled down because John got kind of demanding and couldn't get up stairs anymore, so his mom found it hard to take care of him as well. More recently, however (and this started even before John passed away) my mom and John's mom have been fighting about arrangements for the funeral (i.e. payment / what kind of service to have, etc.). My mom and I looked up average funeral costs online one night and found that they are approximately $9,000 ($8,900 to be exact), so we figured that between my mom, John's mom, and his three sisters (aka 5 people) that they could each pay $1,800 and that would cover it. I don't know exactly what happened after that, but for some reason I feel that my mom told John's mom about the whole money thing and for whatever reason she wasn't happy with it. My mom seemed to think that if she had given John's mom a check for $9,000 dollars that she would have been her best friend. When we went to visit John on friday, his mom did not even acknowledge mine. Her husband (John's step-dad, Dick) was very nice and he came over to talk to me and my mom, but John's mom just walked right past mine without even saying anything.
I'm gonna side-track for a second: The people who read this know that yes, parts of my family (on my mom's side) are pretty rich (My one uncle who was big in the stock market and now has all kinds of animals on this HUGE property in Mt. Kisco, NY, and my other uncle who was on 20 / 20 on ABC and now has his own show on Fox Business Network). However, both of these uncles married into the family. My mom did not get so lucky. Yes, my dad was an eye doctor, and had more than enough to support himself and then a little more (he wasn't really rich, tho...and I'm not complaining). My parents got divorced when I was young and then my mom married John, who was by no means rich. He grew up on a farm in NJ and worked with his father's welding business for a while. He went to college, but I don't remember if he graduated or not. He was on the rescue squad for a while and did various jobs with welding and in dental labs and stuff before he started his trike business. The trike business did him well for a while, but suffered during the recession, and was never really able to get back on it's feet before John got sick. The moral of this story is that John was not made of money and left my mom in debt for various reasons that I don't really feel like going into here and now certain members of his family are expecting my mom to do god knows what (aka pay for the entire funeral, among other things). Honestly...this is the last thing that my mom needs now. I don't know what else to say.
When we went to the hospice center to visit John for the last time (yesterday...after he had already passed away) My mom and I were going around and hugging everyone (his mom, his aunts, his cousin. etc.) and when we got to his mom she said that john loved me very much and mentioned how much I helped him, but she did not say anything to my mom. I told my mom afterwards that she was acting like a 2 year old...and later she said "not even that...she was acting like a 1 year old", so I was joking and saying that because she's 70 years old in real life, if you were to subtract 68 or 69 from that, that's how old she really is (and I thought that was funny of course because of '69'...ok I said it I'll get my mind out of the gutter now...LOL). It's just "very bizarre" as my best friend from home put it. There's not much else I can say about that.
In other related news, one of John's sisters (I'll call her PB) called me on my cell phone today to tell me that there was an open slot if I wanted to read something from the bible. She also said that if I wanted to say something at the reception after the funeral that I could do that too. I told her that I had something written, and I would feel more comfortable saying it at the reception. Later, one of John's other sisters (whom I'm going to call MA) called my mom and it seemed like the conversation started off innocently enough (I heard my mom asking about catholic funerals and what the normal procedures for saying things were...then she read MA what she had written, which apparently wasn't good according to MA, although I had written it and it seemed appropriate to me...my best friend from home said that usually not even the family says anything at catholic funerals and they are more like mass services, but I still think it would have / could have / should have been appropriate for my mom to read what she had written at the reception after the funeral) but then MA must have told my mom to stop yelling at her because I heard her say what she always tells me and Ben when we tell her to stop yelling at her ("You want me to yell at you? THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN I YELL AT YOU!!!"). I don't remember where exactly I was going with this...except to say that I don't really want to say what I wrote either now. I wrote it for me, I have it for me to put in my scrapbook (and post here in a bit, and maybe read at the shiva we are going to have at my house on thursday) and it doesn't really matter to me whether John's family gets to hear it or not at this point. ::SHRUG:: Right now I really just want to post some song lyrics (of several songs that John loved and that make me think of him. These are all Fleetwood Mac songs, btdubs. Fleetwood Mac was one of his favorite bands and one that we listened to a lot together, especially when we were driving in his PT Cruiser):
Don’t Stop (The reason why this song relates is kind of sad because in addition to it being one that we would listen to a lot together, it kind of makes me think about how John was the last couple weeks that he was alive, because he didn't really know what was going on since the cancer had gone to his brain and affected his short term memory, so like he kept asking if / when he could come home or go to his mom's or stuff like that. In other words, he was always thinking about what was going to happen in the future, as if he was going to get through this, which I guess in a way was good, but it's sad to think about now).
If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.
Don't stop,
thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop,
It'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things that you've done,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.
Don't stop,
thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop,
It'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
[Instrumental]
All I want is to see you smile,
If it takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any harm to you.
Don't stop,
thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop,
it'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Don't stop,
thinking about tomorrow
Don't stop,
it'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
(Oooooh) Don't you look back,
(Oooooh) Don't you look back
(Oooooh) Don't you look back....FADES OUT
Go Your Own Way
Loving you
Is it the right thing to do?
How can I ever change things
That I feel?
If I could
Maybe I'd give you my world
How can I
When you won't take it from me
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way
Tell me why
Everything turned around
Packing up
Shacking up's all you wanna do
If I could
Baby I'd give you my world
Open up
Everything's waiting for you
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
go your own way
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way...
Call it another lonely day...
you can go your own way...
Say You Will
Somethin' in you brought out somethin' in me, that I've never been since
That part of me that was only for you,
That kind of romance
Comes only once, that kind of love
That kind of fever dance
That you love because you become someone else in an instant
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance
At least give me time to change your mind
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Somethin' in you put a hold on my heart
It's hard to believe now
Here in the place that will never be dark
I remember that place...
That kind of touch, electricity of love
That certain kind of grace
That you love because you become someone else in an instant
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance
At least give me time to change your mind
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance (say you will)
At least give me time to change your mind (say you will)
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance (say you will)
At least give me time to change your mind (say you will)
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance (say you will)
At least give me time to change your mind (say you will)
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance (say you will)
At least give me time to change your mind (say you will)
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance
At least give me time to change your mind
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
What's The World Coming To
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
Everyone's gone to the moon
What's the world coming to?
Every night, every day
In this house filled with shame
I can say I care
But there's no one there
There's no truth in my life
There's no light in my eyes
And it's all I guess
That I'll ever miss
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
Everyone's gone to the moon
What's the world coming to?
I can jump right off and fall right into the ocean
I can come right out and think just what I say
But if I don't call for a reservation
They'll just turn me down
Turn me inside out
I don't say what they want
I don't do what they say
So I'm on their list
So I'm gone, I guess
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
Everyone's gone to the moon
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
Everyone's gone to the moon
What's the world coming to?
I'm sorry that this is so long. I think I'm gonna put my speech (sp.?) in another entry that will follow shortly after I post this one. I guess that's all for now. I can't think of anything else to say.
--Emily
The moral of the story (and I'm sorry to those of you who read this and didn't know yet that this is how you have to find out): John died yesterday.
I'm not really sure what to say next / how to proceed with this entry from here. There has been a lot of fighting going on between my mom and John's mom recently (and just tonight one of his sisters kind of got involved with it too). For a while John's mom felt that my mom wasn't doing a very good job taking care of John, and they were trading back and forth (i.e. when he was not in the hospital or at the hospice center, he was either here at my / my mom's house or at his mom's house...when he was at his mom's house my mom was still kind of caring for him i.e. bringing him medicine when he needed it / going to stay with him once when his mom had a doctor's appointment and didn't want to leave John alone...but that's kind of a different story). After a while things settled down because John got kind of demanding and couldn't get up stairs anymore, so his mom found it hard to take care of him as well. More recently, however (and this started even before John passed away) my mom and John's mom have been fighting about arrangements for the funeral (i.e. payment / what kind of service to have, etc.). My mom and I looked up average funeral costs online one night and found that they are approximately $9,000 ($8,900 to be exact), so we figured that between my mom, John's mom, and his three sisters (aka 5 people) that they could each pay $1,800 and that would cover it. I don't know exactly what happened after that, but for some reason I feel that my mom told John's mom about the whole money thing and for whatever reason she wasn't happy with it. My mom seemed to think that if she had given John's mom a check for $9,000 dollars that she would have been her best friend. When we went to visit John on friday, his mom did not even acknowledge mine. Her husband (John's step-dad, Dick) was very nice and he came over to talk to me and my mom, but John's mom just walked right past mine without even saying anything.
I'm gonna side-track for a second: The people who read this know that yes, parts of my family (on my mom's side) are pretty rich (My one uncle who was big in the stock market and now has all kinds of animals on this HUGE property in Mt. Kisco, NY, and my other uncle who was on 20 / 20 on ABC and now has his own show on Fox Business Network). However, both of these uncles married into the family. My mom did not get so lucky. Yes, my dad was an eye doctor, and had more than enough to support himself and then a little more (he wasn't really rich, tho...and I'm not complaining). My parents got divorced when I was young and then my mom married John, who was by no means rich. He grew up on a farm in NJ and worked with his father's welding business for a while. He went to college, but I don't remember if he graduated or not. He was on the rescue squad for a while and did various jobs with welding and in dental labs and stuff before he started his trike business. The trike business did him well for a while, but suffered during the recession, and was never really able to get back on it's feet before John got sick. The moral of this story is that John was not made of money and left my mom in debt for various reasons that I don't really feel like going into here and now certain members of his family are expecting my mom to do god knows what (aka pay for the entire funeral, among other things). Honestly...this is the last thing that my mom needs now. I don't know what else to say.
When we went to the hospice center to visit John for the last time (yesterday...after he had already passed away) My mom and I were going around and hugging everyone (his mom, his aunts, his cousin. etc.) and when we got to his mom she said that john loved me very much and mentioned how much I helped him, but she did not say anything to my mom. I told my mom afterwards that she was acting like a 2 year old...and later she said "not even that...she was acting like a 1 year old", so I was joking and saying that because she's 70 years old in real life, if you were to subtract 68 or 69 from that, that's how old she really is (and I thought that was funny of course because of '69'...ok I said it I'll get my mind out of the gutter now...LOL). It's just "very bizarre" as my best friend from home put it. There's not much else I can say about that.
In other related news, one of John's sisters (I'll call her PB) called me on my cell phone today to tell me that there was an open slot if I wanted to read something from the bible. She also said that if I wanted to say something at the reception after the funeral that I could do that too. I told her that I had something written, and I would feel more comfortable saying it at the reception. Later, one of John's other sisters (whom I'm going to call MA) called my mom and it seemed like the conversation started off innocently enough (I heard my mom asking about catholic funerals and what the normal procedures for saying things were...then she read MA what she had written, which apparently wasn't good according to MA, although I had written it and it seemed appropriate to me...my best friend from home said that usually not even the family says anything at catholic funerals and they are more like mass services, but I still think it would have / could have / should have been appropriate for my mom to read what she had written at the reception after the funeral) but then MA must have told my mom to stop yelling at her because I heard her say what she always tells me and Ben when we tell her to stop yelling at her ("You want me to yell at you? THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN I YELL AT YOU!!!"). I don't remember where exactly I was going with this...except to say that I don't really want to say what I wrote either now. I wrote it for me, I have it for me to put in my scrapbook (and post here in a bit, and maybe read at the shiva we are going to have at my house on thursday) and it doesn't really matter to me whether John's family gets to hear it or not at this point. ::SHRUG:: Right now I really just want to post some song lyrics (of several songs that John loved and that make me think of him. These are all Fleetwood Mac songs, btdubs. Fleetwood Mac was one of his favorite bands and one that we listened to a lot together, especially when we were driving in his PT Cruiser):
Don’t Stop (The reason why this song relates is kind of sad because in addition to it being one that we would listen to a lot together, it kind of makes me think about how John was the last couple weeks that he was alive, because he didn't really know what was going on since the cancer had gone to his brain and affected his short term memory, so like he kept asking if / when he could come home or go to his mom's or stuff like that. In other words, he was always thinking about what was going to happen in the future, as if he was going to get through this, which I guess in a way was good, but it's sad to think about now).
If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.
Don't stop,
thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop,
It'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things that you've done,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.
Don't stop,
thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop,
It'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
[Instrumental]
All I want is to see you smile,
If it takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any harm to you.
Don't stop,
thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop,
it'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Don't stop,
thinking about tomorrow
Don't stop,
it'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
(Oooooh) Don't you look back,
(Oooooh) Don't you look back
(Oooooh) Don't you look back....FADES OUT
Go Your Own Way
Loving you
Is it the right thing to do?
How can I ever change things
That I feel?
If I could
Maybe I'd give you my world
How can I
When you won't take it from me
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way
Tell me why
Everything turned around
Packing up
Shacking up's all you wanna do
If I could
Baby I'd give you my world
Open up
Everything's waiting for you
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
go your own way
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way...
Call it another lonely day...
you can go your own way...
Say You Will
Somethin' in you brought out somethin' in me, that I've never been since
That part of me that was only for you,
That kind of romance
Comes only once, that kind of love
That kind of fever dance
That you love because you become someone else in an instant
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance
At least give me time to change your mind
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Somethin' in you put a hold on my heart
It's hard to believe now
Here in the place that will never be dark
I remember that place...
That kind of touch, electricity of love
That certain kind of grace
That you love because you become someone else in an instant
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance
At least give me time to change your mind
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance (say you will)
At least give me time to change your mind (say you will)
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance (say you will)
At least give me time to change your mind (say you will)
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance (say you will)
At least give me time to change your mind (say you will)
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance (say you will)
At least give me time to change your mind (say you will)
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance
At least give me time to change your mind
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
What's The World Coming To
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
Everyone's gone to the moon
What's the world coming to?
Every night, every day
In this house filled with shame
I can say I care
But there's no one there
There's no truth in my life
There's no light in my eyes
And it's all I guess
That I'll ever miss
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
Everyone's gone to the moon
What's the world coming to?
I can jump right off and fall right into the ocean
I can come right out and think just what I say
But if I don't call for a reservation
They'll just turn me down
Turn me inside out
I don't say what they want
I don't do what they say
So I'm on their list
So I'm gone, I guess
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
Everyone's gone to the moon
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
Everyone's gone to the moon
What's the world coming to?
I'm sorry that this is so long. I think I'm gonna put my speech (sp.?) in another entry that will follow shortly after I post this one. I guess that's all for now. I can't think of anything else to say.
--Emily
Friday, January 22, 2010
Because I think it's never "Too late to apologize"...
Ok. I'm not really sure that this warrants an apology...but I kind of feel bad for the people who read this. I feel like most of my entries so far have been either complaining, or about sad or depressing stuff. My life really isn't all that happy right now, but I will try every once in a while from now on to write about something happy or funny. I think it might also make me feel better (because every once in a while I come back and read all of my previous entries, and it kind of upsets me that I only complain / write about depressing things).
I guess one happy thing is that I've been getting along better with my mom the past couple of days. Also, I have Echo (one of my dogs) sitting here on the bed with me. :D
On a slightly random note I now have the song "Apologize" by One Republic stuck in my head and I miss my Taymond and Dance Alloy and EC. I really want to plan to get out there sometime in the near future, but I really think I should wait until this whole thing with John blows over. My mom wanted to plan a trip to Florida for president's weekend, but I don't know if we are even going to do that now. At least I don't have to work at the pizza place for a while (I had a kind of a huge breakdown on wednesday night...but that is a story for another time).
I think that's all for now (I know this was a short one). More soon.
--Emily
I guess one happy thing is that I've been getting along better with my mom the past couple of days. Also, I have Echo (one of my dogs) sitting here on the bed with me. :D
On a slightly random note I now have the song "Apologize" by One Republic stuck in my head and I miss my Taymond and Dance Alloy and EC. I really want to plan to get out there sometime in the near future, but I really think I should wait until this whole thing with John blows over. My mom wanted to plan a trip to Florida for president's weekend, but I don't know if we are even going to do that now. At least I don't have to work at the pizza place for a while (I had a kind of a huge breakdown on wednesday night...but that is a story for another time).
I think that's all for now (I know this was a short one). More soon.
--Emily
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Mother(board) Issues
I remember a while ago I was having a conversation with my best friend from home about my mom (I feel like that's a topic that kind of dominates our conversations...but it's a huge problem in my life because we pretty much don't see eye to eye on ANYTHING and things that I think would be easier / better to do usually aren't to her) and she said that I have to pick my fights. To quote her, she said:
"Your mom seems to pick a fight over everything and you can't change that, so you have to really really think about what you want to fight back about. If you don't think it's worth fighting about, then just don't fight back, even if that means you say "you're right" and move on. You have to find the words to say to shut down the argument, even if it's just a nod and an "ok". Ok doesn't mean you agree, it means you are listening. You have to try. You could even say "I don't want to argue about this." It might be trial and error, but you either argue with her or give her attitude when she picks a fight, or you do whatever you can to diffuse the situation, not both".
The reason why I brought this up is because I feel like this is the hardest thing for me to figure out, especially now, with what's going on with John (there have been some recent developments which I will talk about in a bit). In general I feel like I never know what to say / when to say it in certain situations with my mom. Because she picks a fight / makes a big deal about almost everything, it is hard to know what to say to her in general. I feel like, instinctively, when I am trying to defend myself my voice naturally rises. It's not something that I can usually detect / notice...but my mom tells me all the time that I am "raising my voice to her" or "giving her an attitude". I'm not really sure what to think about this right now / where I was going with it. ::SHRUG:: There is something bigger on my mind right now. I'm not really sure how to introduce this, so I'm just going to say it:
When John went into the hospital the last time (1 / 8) we were told that the cancer was not getting any worse, but it was not getting any better either and there was nothing that the hospital could do for him anymore (I don't think they actually said that, but that was the impression I got from what my mom told me). Between then and now (I don't remember exactly when I found this out), I found out that the doctors think that John only has between 2 weeks and a month left, and that the cancer has spread all over now (my mom told me that there are lumps on his stomach when you lift up his shirt, and that the doctor at the hospice center where he moved to on thursday of last week said that the cancer has moved to his brain).
I don't really know what to say or do or think. I'm scared and sad, and trying to keep myself busy so that I don't have to think about it. I really wish that I could find a job during the day, and soon.
Today I learned that at least for right now, I should just do whatever my mom tells me to do no matter what, and don't question it / argue. We got into a huge fight because we went to get manicures and then I wanted to go to the post office to get something and my phone started to ring while I was there and I didn't want to mess up my nails and my mom was waiting for me, and I ended up missing the call (It was nothing really important anyway...just my cousin trying to call me because he's coming for dinner tonight) and messing up my nails and my mom offered to take me so they could get fixed but I knew she wanted to get home to be there for my brother when he got home, so I told her to just go home and that I wasn't getting out of the car and she basically told me that I was acting like a baby so I rushed out of the car and to the nail place and let them fix my nails but of course we continued to fight on the way home because I had picked a stupid thing to fight about in the first place. End of story. Again, I feel like this (at least this part of the entry) is one of those things that I am going to look back at and think that it was stupid. Because it WAS. Ok...now real end of story. That's all for now. More soon.
**EDIT 9:54 PM:** I think a lot of my issues with my mom have to do with the way she says things most of the time / the fact that we really don't see eye to eye on ANYTHING (like I mentioned before), and the fact that she's still down my throat / on my back about a lot of things that I can do / have been doing on my own for the past four years. Two examples of the being down my throat / on my back: 1). Grad school applications when I was doing them, making sure I was doing them / sending them out / everyone had everything. I was checking that on my own anyway on a pretty regular basis, and yet she still had to be on my back about it as if I was still in elementary school or middle school or something and applying to high schools, or in high school applying to college again. 2). I bought a thank you card for my aunt (and more specifically my cousin I guess because I stayed in her house) that I was going to send to her and my cousin "thanking" them for letting me stay with them. I put the word "thanking" in quotes like that because I don't really know who else I could have stayed with (yes, technically I should thank them...but I feel like I shouldn't have to...does that make sense?? Should I still thank them anyway even though they are my family and there was really no one else I could have stayed with in Cali?? I mean I was going to visit them...it's not like I just sprung this visit on them...I made sure it was ok and Sarah gave me the option of staying with her or her mom, and I chose her because she is younger / closer to my age and I thought it would be more fun. Anyway, I bought the card and was going to send it to them eventually...and my mom has been hounding me for the past couple of days as to when I'm going to do it. The card is in a place where I can see it and I want to send it, so I am not going to forget.
And now getting back to the point I was trying to make...I realize that yes, I still live in my mom's house for now and there are certain rules I have to live by...but should she really still be on my back / down my throat about little things like that??? An example of the way she says things / the fact that we don't see eye to eye on ANYTHING: My cousin came over for dinner tonight and we went out and then came back to play Wii and eat ice cream. I waited to have the ice cream until after my mom took my cousin to the train station so he could catch a train back to the city, but I wanted to finish the Wii game / play a little more first. I figured it wasn't that big a deal if the ice cream just sat out a little longer. Apparently it was to my mom, though. When she got home she said something to the effect of "why is the ice cream still sitting out? / I didn't want the ice cream to be sitting out for so long". I didn't get a chance to say this to her, but it wasn't going to sit out for much longer because I was about to finish my game and then I was gonna have some and put it away. I don't remember what I said to her. If I remember correctly I was like rushing around trying to frantically end my game / clean up because there was an empty bowl on the table and I thought she was talking about that. Then I basically said that I didn't want to fight about it...and I don't remember what she said afterwards. Again, it was a stupid thing, and I am learning how to pick and choose my fights. Basically, it's just going to be really hard now for a while and, like I said before, I just need to do whatever she says now without asking any questions / trying to find a "better" solution / do what I think is best / start a fight. THE. END.
--Emily
"Your mom seems to pick a fight over everything and you can't change that, so you have to really really think about what you want to fight back about. If you don't think it's worth fighting about, then just don't fight back, even if that means you say "you're right" and move on. You have to find the words to say to shut down the argument, even if it's just a nod and an "ok". Ok doesn't mean you agree, it means you are listening. You have to try. You could even say "I don't want to argue about this." It might be trial and error, but you either argue with her or give her attitude when she picks a fight, or you do whatever you can to diffuse the situation, not both".
The reason why I brought this up is because I feel like this is the hardest thing for me to figure out, especially now, with what's going on with John (there have been some recent developments which I will talk about in a bit). In general I feel like I never know what to say / when to say it in certain situations with my mom. Because she picks a fight / makes a big deal about almost everything, it is hard to know what to say to her in general. I feel like, instinctively, when I am trying to defend myself my voice naturally rises. It's not something that I can usually detect / notice...but my mom tells me all the time that I am "raising my voice to her" or "giving her an attitude". I'm not really sure what to think about this right now / where I was going with it. ::SHRUG:: There is something bigger on my mind right now. I'm not really sure how to introduce this, so I'm just going to say it:
When John went into the hospital the last time (1 / 8) we were told that the cancer was not getting any worse, but it was not getting any better either and there was nothing that the hospital could do for him anymore (I don't think they actually said that, but that was the impression I got from what my mom told me). Between then and now (I don't remember exactly when I found this out), I found out that the doctors think that John only has between 2 weeks and a month left, and that the cancer has spread all over now (my mom told me that there are lumps on his stomach when you lift up his shirt, and that the doctor at the hospice center where he moved to on thursday of last week said that the cancer has moved to his brain).
I don't really know what to say or do or think. I'm scared and sad, and trying to keep myself busy so that I don't have to think about it. I really wish that I could find a job during the day, and soon.
Today I learned that at least for right now, I should just do whatever my mom tells me to do no matter what, and don't question it / argue. We got into a huge fight because we went to get manicures and then I wanted to go to the post office to get something and my phone started to ring while I was there and I didn't want to mess up my nails and my mom was waiting for me, and I ended up missing the call (It was nothing really important anyway...just my cousin trying to call me because he's coming for dinner tonight) and messing up my nails and my mom offered to take me so they could get fixed but I knew she wanted to get home to be there for my brother when he got home, so I told her to just go home and that I wasn't getting out of the car and she basically told me that I was acting like a baby so I rushed out of the car and to the nail place and let them fix my nails but of course we continued to fight on the way home because I had picked a stupid thing to fight about in the first place. End of story. Again, I feel like this (at least this part of the entry) is one of those things that I am going to look back at and think that it was stupid. Because it WAS. Ok...now real end of story. That's all for now. More soon.
**EDIT 9:54 PM:** I think a lot of my issues with my mom have to do with the way she says things most of the time / the fact that we really don't see eye to eye on ANYTHING (like I mentioned before), and the fact that she's still down my throat / on my back about a lot of things that I can do / have been doing on my own for the past four years. Two examples of the being down my throat / on my back: 1). Grad school applications when I was doing them, making sure I was doing them / sending them out / everyone had everything. I was checking that on my own anyway on a pretty regular basis, and yet she still had to be on my back about it as if I was still in elementary school or middle school or something and applying to high schools, or in high school applying to college again. 2). I bought a thank you card for my aunt (and more specifically my cousin I guess because I stayed in her house) that I was going to send to her and my cousin "thanking" them for letting me stay with them. I put the word "thanking" in quotes like that because I don't really know who else I could have stayed with (yes, technically I should thank them...but I feel like I shouldn't have to...does that make sense?? Should I still thank them anyway even though they are my family and there was really no one else I could have stayed with in Cali?? I mean I was going to visit them...it's not like I just sprung this visit on them...I made sure it was ok and Sarah gave me the option of staying with her or her mom, and I chose her because she is younger / closer to my age and I thought it would be more fun. Anyway, I bought the card and was going to send it to them eventually...and my mom has been hounding me for the past couple of days as to when I'm going to do it. The card is in a place where I can see it and I want to send it, so I am not going to forget.
And now getting back to the point I was trying to make...I realize that yes, I still live in my mom's house for now and there are certain rules I have to live by...but should she really still be on my back / down my throat about little things like that??? An example of the way she says things / the fact that we don't see eye to eye on ANYTHING: My cousin came over for dinner tonight and we went out and then came back to play Wii and eat ice cream. I waited to have the ice cream until after my mom took my cousin to the train station so he could catch a train back to the city, but I wanted to finish the Wii game / play a little more first. I figured it wasn't that big a deal if the ice cream just sat out a little longer. Apparently it was to my mom, though. When she got home she said something to the effect of "why is the ice cream still sitting out? / I didn't want the ice cream to be sitting out for so long". I didn't get a chance to say this to her, but it wasn't going to sit out for much longer because I was about to finish my game and then I was gonna have some and put it away. I don't remember what I said to her. If I remember correctly I was like rushing around trying to frantically end my game / clean up because there was an empty bowl on the table and I thought she was talking about that. Then I basically said that I didn't want to fight about it...and I don't remember what she said afterwards. Again, it was a stupid thing, and I am learning how to pick and choose my fights. Basically, it's just going to be really hard now for a while and, like I said before, I just need to do whatever she says now without asking any questions / trying to find a "better" solution / do what I think is best / start a fight. THE. END.
--Emily
Sunday, January 17, 2010
California...again
Hi everyone. I had a really great time in Cali...so much so that I really did not want to come home, for more than one reason. I love my cousin and aunt, and feel bad that they live all the way across the country and that we have not kept in touch better over the years. I was never really that close with them, but I feel like now that my dad is gone and I am older it's different. I can't really describe the degree to which it is different...it just is. It's definitely a good different though.
I feel like this is an awkward transition, but I am now going to describe the events of the past week (I put pictures up on facebook...go check them out if you haven't already). There were almost no head winds on the way to Cali on Sunday, so I arrived about an hour earlier than expected. I called my cousin (Sarah) who did not pick up her phone, so I called my aunt (Becky) and she called Sarah, who then called me back to tell me that they were on their way to come get me. I had checked a bag, so I went to go get it. The San Diego Airport is actually very small, so it did not take long. I got my bag and went to go sit outside in the sun to wait for my Sarah and Becky and people watch. It was a gorgeous day. When they arrived we headed back to Cardiff, where Becky lives, and stopped at a Whole Foods for lunch on the way. We got burritos, and they were actually pretty good. There is a Whole Foods on the main road in my town (well...it's kind of in the next town over from me) but I've only eaten there once, and I don't remember what I had. Their burritos were actually very good. For the rest of the day sunday we kind of just chilled. When Sarah's husband Chris came home Sarah made chicken, vegetable and rice stir fry for dinner and then we watched All About Steve (with Sandra Bullock and Bradley Cooper). It was kind of funny...but mostly just stupid. It was a romantic comedy, which is my favorite kind of movie...but then again some of them (like this one) can be really cheesy.
On Monday we took Lucy, one of her dogs (she has three bulldogs named Lucy, Cooper, and Monty) for a walk on the beach and then had brunch at this place called the daily news. I had a crab and shrimp crepe, and it was very good. Lucy is not such a good walker (she runs and exerts all her energy at the beginning of the walk, so that by halfway through she is tired). We sat down to brunch (we ate outside so that we could tie her to the table and she could chill out) and almost immediately she proceeded to get sick. We were lucky that the busboy was so nice and had dogs of his own and also had previously worked at a bar and had to deal with a lot of drunk people). In case you couldn't tell I love dogs. Lucy is my favorite of my cousin's bulldogs (aside from Cooper who is the oldest, and just a sweetie). She's really cute and loves to play tug of war (I must have played it with her about a hundred times throughout the whole week with various different toys; she really just wanted to play with any toy that she could get her teeth on from little stuffed mice, to a poor decrepit (sp.?) dragon that had lost almost all of it's stuffing, to a lion, which I think was her favorite). After brunch we took Lucy home so that she could rest, and then went to an outlet mall that is close to Sarah's house (she lives in Carlsbad, btdubs. Not sure if any of you actually know where that is, but I thought I'd give some kind of point of reference in case anyone who reads this has ever been to California). where one of her friends who is living with her for the time being is some kind of manager of banana republic. Sarah was looking for a couple new clothing items, as (and I believe I said this before, but I can't remember) she is pregnant and growing out of her clothes. We managed to find a maternity store in the outlet mall that will be great for her in a couple months. Monday night for dinner we all (Sarah, Chris, and I) drove to Old Town (which is in San Diego) to go to an Italian restaurant called Jack and Giulio's. It was kind of fancy, and I had some really good fettucine (sp.?) alfredo. After dinner we went home and watched The Hangover (another movie with Bradley Cooper...I like him). It was pretty hilarious. If you haven't seen it yet I suggest that you do. Chris left to go to Michigan to visit friends on Tuesday, so Sunday and Monday nights were really the only times I got to hang out with him, but he seems like a really nice guy, and he and Sarah make a REALLY cute couple. :D
On Tuesday Sarah had to work (she's a registered dietician at Scripps hospital...I'm not sure exactly where it is, but Sarah pointed it out to me on the way home from dinner on monday night. It looked like a nice place from the outside) so I lounged around in the morning and my aunt Becky came to pick me up around 12:30 for lunch. We went to subway and then took her dog (she has a jack russell terrier named Max) to the dog beach, where he got to run around and play with other dogs. Afterwards, I went back to Becky's house for a little while while we waited for Sarah to get off work. I can't seem to remember the name of the place where we went for dinner on tuesday or what I ate but it was a cute restaurant, and they had a big fish tank...LOL.
On Wednesday we went to La Jolla for brunch and met my jazzercise instructor, who had recently moved out there, at a place called the cottage. It was really closer to lunch time, so I had a hot chocolate (as it was raining and kind of cold) and a waldorf chicken salad sandwich that was really good. It was something new for me, and something that I would definitely have again. This vacation I tried a lot of new foods...but I will talk more about that in a bit. After brunch we went home and just chilled until dinner, when we met Sarah's friend who is living with her (the one who works at the outlet mall) at a seafood restaurant called King's. Surprisingly, I was the only one who had fish. I got fish and chips, and both Sarah and her friend got salads. After dinner Sarah and I went to see Leap Year (with Amy Adams...I love her :D). It was really cute. I came to the conclusion that I want to go to Ireland someday and meet a hot guy with an Irish accent ((really I just want to go to any country where the people have a foreign accent--preferably the UK (does that include Ireland and Scotland??), Australia, New Zealand, any of the countries in Latin America (Mexico?? :D), Spain, South Africa, or Italy...I don't really like French accents, but that's about the only accent that doesn't make me go weak at the knees)) and fall in love and get married :D.
On Thursday I got up early (well, I had actually been getting up kind of early the whole time because I never quite got adjusted to west coast time...but that's beside the point) and showered, and by the time I was done my aunt becky had come over to exercise and shower and stuff. I watched some spanish tv show with her while she exercised and translated for her while I played with Max and we waited for Sarah to get up so we could go to the San Diego Wild Animal Park. I LOVE ANIMALS, so I took a lot of pictures there. Overall it was a lot of fun, and I was able to get gifts for people (Sarah, Becky, my mom, my brother Ben, and myself). Thursday night we (Sarah, Becky, Becky's husband Robert, and myself) went to a place called Thai Pasta for dinner (I had never had Thai food before). I got a dish called drunken noodle. It had noodles, chicken, carrots, and snow peas and it was really good. I want to find a Thai place near me now and go there sometime...any takers?
On Friday we had a leisurely morning. We watched 27 Dresses (with Katherine Heigl) while we painted our nails (or rather Sarah painted her toenails and then my nails, because I am horrible at painting my own nails...LOL). I really like Katherine Heigl. If you have not seen 27 Dresses I suggest that you do. Around 2:00ish we went to pick up my aunt Becky and then proceeded to the airport. My flight was at 5:00 and there was no line for security (did I mention that the San Diego Airport is really small?? Yeah...it reminded me a lot of the Dayton Airport. Good old Dayton Airport, how I miss thee. LOL) so I went right through and got a smoothie at Jamba Juice to drink while I waited to board the plane (which was not very full at all, btdubs. I had the window seat, the middle seat was empty, and there was a man in the aisle seat. They served cheeseburgers for dinner, which were surprisingly good. The man in the aisle seat brought his own Trader Joe's roasted vegetable sandwich, and asked me if I wanted his cheeseburger, but as good as they were there was no way that I could have eaten a second one, so I politely declined). When we got to Newark I called a taxi and went to get my bag. When I got home I let myself in and tried to be as quiet as possible, but my mom was awake anyway and said that I could get in bed with her if I wanted to so I did. My dogs were so excited to see me that it made it kind of difficult to fall asleep, but eventually I did.
That ends the tale of my California adventures. I will write more about other recent events when I get a chance.
--Emily
I feel like this is an awkward transition, but I am now going to describe the events of the past week (I put pictures up on facebook...go check them out if you haven't already). There were almost no head winds on the way to Cali on Sunday, so I arrived about an hour earlier than expected. I called my cousin (Sarah) who did not pick up her phone, so I called my aunt (Becky) and she called Sarah, who then called me back to tell me that they were on their way to come get me. I had checked a bag, so I went to go get it. The San Diego Airport is actually very small, so it did not take long. I got my bag and went to go sit outside in the sun to wait for my Sarah and Becky and people watch. It was a gorgeous day. When they arrived we headed back to Cardiff, where Becky lives, and stopped at a Whole Foods for lunch on the way. We got burritos, and they were actually pretty good. There is a Whole Foods on the main road in my town (well...it's kind of in the next town over from me) but I've only eaten there once, and I don't remember what I had. Their burritos were actually very good. For the rest of the day sunday we kind of just chilled. When Sarah's husband Chris came home Sarah made chicken, vegetable and rice stir fry for dinner and then we watched All About Steve (with Sandra Bullock and Bradley Cooper). It was kind of funny...but mostly just stupid. It was a romantic comedy, which is my favorite kind of movie...but then again some of them (like this one) can be really cheesy.
On Monday we took Lucy, one of her dogs (she has three bulldogs named Lucy, Cooper, and Monty) for a walk on the beach and then had brunch at this place called the daily news. I had a crab and shrimp crepe, and it was very good. Lucy is not such a good walker (she runs and exerts all her energy at the beginning of the walk, so that by halfway through she is tired). We sat down to brunch (we ate outside so that we could tie her to the table and she could chill out) and almost immediately she proceeded to get sick. We were lucky that the busboy was so nice and had dogs of his own and also had previously worked at a bar and had to deal with a lot of drunk people). In case you couldn't tell I love dogs. Lucy is my favorite of my cousin's bulldogs (aside from Cooper who is the oldest, and just a sweetie). She's really cute and loves to play tug of war (I must have played it with her about a hundred times throughout the whole week with various different toys; she really just wanted to play with any toy that she could get her teeth on from little stuffed mice, to a poor decrepit (sp.?) dragon that had lost almost all of it's stuffing, to a lion, which I think was her favorite). After brunch we took Lucy home so that she could rest, and then went to an outlet mall that is close to Sarah's house (she lives in Carlsbad, btdubs. Not sure if any of you actually know where that is, but I thought I'd give some kind of point of reference in case anyone who reads this has ever been to California). where one of her friends who is living with her for the time being is some kind of manager of banana republic. Sarah was looking for a couple new clothing items, as (and I believe I said this before, but I can't remember) she is pregnant and growing out of her clothes. We managed to find a maternity store in the outlet mall that will be great for her in a couple months. Monday night for dinner we all (Sarah, Chris, and I) drove to Old Town (which is in San Diego) to go to an Italian restaurant called Jack and Giulio's. It was kind of fancy, and I had some really good fettucine (sp.?) alfredo. After dinner we went home and watched The Hangover (another movie with Bradley Cooper...I like him). It was pretty hilarious. If you haven't seen it yet I suggest that you do. Chris left to go to Michigan to visit friends on Tuesday, so Sunday and Monday nights were really the only times I got to hang out with him, but he seems like a really nice guy, and he and Sarah make a REALLY cute couple. :D
On Tuesday Sarah had to work (she's a registered dietician at Scripps hospital...I'm not sure exactly where it is, but Sarah pointed it out to me on the way home from dinner on monday night. It looked like a nice place from the outside) so I lounged around in the morning and my aunt Becky came to pick me up around 12:30 for lunch. We went to subway and then took her dog (she has a jack russell terrier named Max) to the dog beach, where he got to run around and play with other dogs. Afterwards, I went back to Becky's house for a little while while we waited for Sarah to get off work. I can't seem to remember the name of the place where we went for dinner on tuesday or what I ate but it was a cute restaurant, and they had a big fish tank...LOL.
On Wednesday we went to La Jolla for brunch and met my jazzercise instructor, who had recently moved out there, at a place called the cottage. It was really closer to lunch time, so I had a hot chocolate (as it was raining and kind of cold) and a waldorf chicken salad sandwich that was really good. It was something new for me, and something that I would definitely have again. This vacation I tried a lot of new foods...but I will talk more about that in a bit. After brunch we went home and just chilled until dinner, when we met Sarah's friend who is living with her (the one who works at the outlet mall) at a seafood restaurant called King's. Surprisingly, I was the only one who had fish. I got fish and chips, and both Sarah and her friend got salads. After dinner Sarah and I went to see Leap Year (with Amy Adams...I love her :D). It was really cute. I came to the conclusion that I want to go to Ireland someday and meet a hot guy with an Irish accent ((really I just want to go to any country where the people have a foreign accent--preferably the UK (does that include Ireland and Scotland??), Australia, New Zealand, any of the countries in Latin America (Mexico?? :D), Spain, South Africa, or Italy...I don't really like French accents, but that's about the only accent that doesn't make me go weak at the knees)) and fall in love and get married :D.
On Thursday I got up early (well, I had actually been getting up kind of early the whole time because I never quite got adjusted to west coast time...but that's beside the point) and showered, and by the time I was done my aunt becky had come over to exercise and shower and stuff. I watched some spanish tv show with her while she exercised and translated for her while I played with Max and we waited for Sarah to get up so we could go to the San Diego Wild Animal Park. I LOVE ANIMALS, so I took a lot of pictures there. Overall it was a lot of fun, and I was able to get gifts for people (Sarah, Becky, my mom, my brother Ben, and myself). Thursday night we (Sarah, Becky, Becky's husband Robert, and myself) went to a place called Thai Pasta for dinner (I had never had Thai food before). I got a dish called drunken noodle. It had noodles, chicken, carrots, and snow peas and it was really good. I want to find a Thai place near me now and go there sometime...any takers?
On Friday we had a leisurely morning. We watched 27 Dresses (with Katherine Heigl) while we painted our nails (or rather Sarah painted her toenails and then my nails, because I am horrible at painting my own nails...LOL). I really like Katherine Heigl. If you have not seen 27 Dresses I suggest that you do. Around 2:00ish we went to pick up my aunt Becky and then proceeded to the airport. My flight was at 5:00 and there was no line for security (did I mention that the San Diego Airport is really small?? Yeah...it reminded me a lot of the Dayton Airport. Good old Dayton Airport, how I miss thee. LOL) so I went right through and got a smoothie at Jamba Juice to drink while I waited to board the plane (which was not very full at all, btdubs. I had the window seat, the middle seat was empty, and there was a man in the aisle seat. They served cheeseburgers for dinner, which were surprisingly good. The man in the aisle seat brought his own Trader Joe's roasted vegetable sandwich, and asked me if I wanted his cheeseburger, but as good as they were there was no way that I could have eaten a second one, so I politely declined). When we got to Newark I called a taxi and went to get my bag. When I got home I let myself in and tried to be as quiet as possible, but my mom was awake anyway and said that I could get in bed with her if I wanted to so I did. My dogs were so excited to see me that it made it kind of difficult to fall asleep, but eventually I did.
That ends the tale of my California adventures. I will write more about other recent events when I get a chance.
--Emily
Friday, January 8, 2010
Quick Update--Re: Cancer
So...John (my step-dad) was supposed to have a doctor's appointment today (for those of you who don't know, he was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer towards the end of 2008). I got a call from my mom about 45 minutes ago saying that they were admitting him to the hospital (yet again) because he needs a transfusion. Now, I know that it is very common for people with cancer who go through radiation and chemo to become anemic and need transfusions, but in light of things I have recently heard, this sounds bad.
My mom told me the other day that she does not think that John is going to make it through this. Even though John went into remission (apparently) after two rounds of chemo, the cancer does not appear to be getting any better, and it does not appear to be getting any worse either. I'm not really sure what this means / how long doctors think John has left...but I'm not really sure I want to know.
As I'm sure most (if not all) of you know, I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer in december of 2007. For a while doctors were struggling trying to figure out what he had, and even when they did figure it out, I don't think I actually found out until a couple months before he died. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this ::shrug::
Sometimes I wish that when it came to health issues, everything could be handled in a Grey's Anatomy fashion. I love that show, and even though I am waaaaay behind (I'm still on season two because I've been watching it on DVD and I only got the first season like last Hannukkah or something and I got the second season this Hannukkah and just finished watching it last night) I feel like when someone is seriously sick (like cancer, heart disease, something like that) that their family is almost always around them, and get to hear news / diagnoses almost immediately. I feel like in a way that might make things harder (and sometimes it does) but at the same time, I feel it is better sometimes just to know.
To change the subject again, I wish that John would just come home / find a way to be comfortable. When my dad died he was in his house, sleeping in one of his really comfortable zero gravity chairs in his living room. As sure as I am that my dad was probably in pain, I am also quite sure that they were able to get it under control. John, on the other hand, is weird when it comes to pain and medication. Most medications that would normally work for people, either don't work for John, or work for a little while and then he kind of builds up a tolerance to them. ::SHRUG:: I just feel bad because I feel like he shouldn't have to deal with this pain for the rest of his life.
I guess that's all for now. I have to go get ready to go into the city for the EC Concert Choir tour concert :D I'm soooo excited!!! :D I get to see my EC loves!!! <3 More soon. If not tomorrow, then when I get back from Cali. Have a good week, everyone!!
--Emily
My mom told me the other day that she does not think that John is going to make it through this. Even though John went into remission (apparently) after two rounds of chemo, the cancer does not appear to be getting any better, and it does not appear to be getting any worse either. I'm not really sure what this means / how long doctors think John has left...but I'm not really sure I want to know.
As I'm sure most (if not all) of you know, I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer in december of 2007. For a while doctors were struggling trying to figure out what he had, and even when they did figure it out, I don't think I actually found out until a couple months before he died. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this ::shrug::
Sometimes I wish that when it came to health issues, everything could be handled in a Grey's Anatomy fashion. I love that show, and even though I am waaaaay behind (I'm still on season two because I've been watching it on DVD and I only got the first season like last Hannukkah or something and I got the second season this Hannukkah and just finished watching it last night) I feel like when someone is seriously sick (like cancer, heart disease, something like that) that their family is almost always around them, and get to hear news / diagnoses almost immediately. I feel like in a way that might make things harder (and sometimes it does) but at the same time, I feel it is better sometimes just to know.
To change the subject again, I wish that John would just come home / find a way to be comfortable. When my dad died he was in his house, sleeping in one of his really comfortable zero gravity chairs in his living room. As sure as I am that my dad was probably in pain, I am also quite sure that they were able to get it under control. John, on the other hand, is weird when it comes to pain and medication. Most medications that would normally work for people, either don't work for John, or work for a little while and then he kind of builds up a tolerance to them. ::SHRUG:: I just feel bad because I feel like he shouldn't have to deal with this pain for the rest of his life.
I guess that's all for now. I have to go get ready to go into the city for the EC Concert Choir tour concert :D I'm soooo excited!!! :D I get to see my EC loves!!! <3 More soon. If not tomorrow, then when I get back from Cali. Have a good week, everyone!!
--Emily
Thursday, January 7, 2010
"California..."
The title to this entry is in reference to the Beach Boys' song of the same name. I Just wanted to let you people know that I am leaving to go to California on sunday (the 10th) to visit my cousin (who I haven't seen in like forever) for a week. This is my only cousin on my dad's side of the family and, aside from my grandma and said cousin's mom (my dad's sister-in-law), the only family I have left on my dad's side. Also, she's pregnant and due in july (which means she will just be starting to show now). I am sooo excited!!!!!! :D
The last time that I saw this cousin (her name is Sarah, btdubs) that actually sticks out in my mind was way back when she was in college ((she's 29 now...but I shouldn't say "way back" because I'm pretty sure she just graduated college in 2004 or 2005, and while I know that yes, that actually was a long-ish time ago, it would mean that Sarah was 24 or 23 when she graduated from college, which is a couple years after people usually finish college. She started at the same time as everyone else (18 or 19) she just changed her major a lot. She was studying to be a dietician at the time. God knows what she's doing now, but it will be interesting to find out. Now, I'm not trying to put her down in any way, I just never really thought that she would ever settle down and have kids, and I'm not sure why. There was no doubt in my mind that she would eventually get married, I just never pictured her having kids)). I stayed in her dorm room with her (she went to Bowling Green State University in Bowling Green, Ohio) and she took me to see "Ten Things I Hate About You". I just looked it up, and that movie came out in 1999, so I must have been 12. I thought it was soo cool that I had a cousin who went to college and didn't live with her parents (although she lived close enough to them that she might as well have). I've seen her since then, but I don't really remember anything significant from that visit other than the fact that they (she, her dad--this was when he was still alive-- and her mom) had just gotten a new jack russell terrier puppy and he was so tiny and cute (see above picture).
As much as I don't want to get up early to leave on sunday, I really want the next couple of days to go by quickly but I have a feeling that they won't because I don't do anything during the day. Tomorrow night I'm going into the city to see a concert (YAY EC Concert Choir) and then hang out with some of my crazy Earlhamite loves :D. Then saturday night I have to work. I called the lady at Village Belle today and she said not to stop looking for other jobs because she still wasn't sure if the other girl who usually works for her was going to be able to do it or not. She really did not sound too convincing / promising, and I'm kind of running out of ideas here. Maybe I'll just go to Trader Joe's again when I get back from Cali and see what's up.
::SHRUG:: I guess that's all for now.
--Emily
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
So...Work (and other things)
Since graduating from Earlham in may, I feel like the good majority of my time (aside from applying to grad schools and visiting with people) has been spent looking for the one job that is going to be PERFECT (and by "perfect" I guess I just mean "makes me the happiest") for me in the time that I have at home before grad. school in the fall. I had a job over the summer that only lasted like 4 weeks as an assistant to a social worker and the district reading specialist in a classroom helping kids who were going into 1st and 2nd grade but weren't academically or socially ready. I also around this time got a job working at the Board of Ed. in my town for two women that run a tutoring program, just doing little things around the office (i.e. making copies, putting packets together, folding brochures, stuffing envelopes, adding contacts to the computer, helping out at tutor training sessions, etc.). When the school year started in september, I became a volunteer tutor for them as well, tutoring a 9th grader in spanish. I still work for them now, and they really only call me in whenever they need me, which is good because it means that I at least have something to do when I go in, but bad because it means that I hardly ever go in. At most, I'll go in a couple days a week for several weeks at a time, and then not at all for at least a month. I probably should have quit this job by now, but I'm pretty sure it pays better than my job at Arturo's (the pizza place) does. More about Arturo's in a bit. I guess there really isn't much else to say about my job at the Board of Ed. I like the ladies that I work with. They are nice, and I can tell they like me too...so it's all good.
In an effort to try and get a job during the day, I applied to be a substitute teacher in my district. One of the teachers at the middle school I attended (Yes, I still go back to visit my middle school...I like to make the teachers feel old, what can I say??) suggested it, and I thought it would be a good idea at the time, so I decided to go ahead with it. It was a lengthy process that I'd rather not go into here. To make a long story short, I am finally on the sub list, but there's some thing online that I have to register for and I tried to do it but it wouldn't let me. Basically, I'm not really sure that I want to do it anymore. I just tried the online thing again, and apparently now it's working (maybe it wasn't working before when I tried because it was christmas vacation. ::shrug::). Ok. Correction: I'm not so sure that my mom wants me to do it anymore. I mean I need to find / have some kind of job / some kind of way to get out of the house during the day so I'm not sitting around doing nothing at home for the next 8 or so months. I mean I do have several vacations planned so far (I'm leaving for Cali on sunday to visit my cousin who I haven't seen in like forever, and then in february over president's week my mom wants to go to FL) but still...I need something that is going to get me out of the house for most of the day EVERY DAY (except for weekends) so that I can maintain my sanity. For some reason this puts my mom in a weird position / mood (I want to say it makes her angry / upset...but I can't understand why it would, and when I try to tell her that / ask her why / what the problem is she says she's not and that there is none). This goes generally for all of the "other jobs" I have applied for (aside from Arturo's and Acting with Emily--which I will talk about soon).
So I continued to search for a job, and the one that I got was working a couple nights a week at a pizza place (Arturo's). It's an okay job so far, but I'd definitely rather be working during the day. Before Arturo's, I applied to Trader Joe's and Target, but never heard anything from them. I also applied to another job at a restaurant in one of the surrounding towns at around the same time I applied to Arturo's, but I never heard from them either. Basically, when I started off at Arturo's, I did a monday night and two wednesdays. They said they were trying to get it so that I could work friday and saturday (which are the 2 busiest nights of the week for them). I figured that they'd probably have me work a couple more mondays and wednesdays (since I can never work on tuesdays and thursdays due to jazzercise and church choir--things I have to do in order to keep my sanity--honestly, I don't know what I would do without singing and exercise) and maybe some sundays, because even though I am free during the day, they have really only had me working at night so far. However, I was wrong. After that one monday and the two wednesdays I worked a saturday for like 2 hours, and then a friday and a saturday for 4 hours each. This week they have me scheduled for saturday from 5 PM to close (which is like 10 or 11 PM) but I'm willing to bet you they'll probably send me home around 9 again.
I dunno. I guess I shouldn't really be complaining about the hours. I think the only thing that is really bothering me about this job is the fact that it's at night. I would so quit right now (or at least give my two weeks notice) if I knew for sure that I had something else to go to that was going to be a consistent weekly thing (aka monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday from whatever time to whatever time, or even just monday wednesday friday from whatever time to whatever time). I don't want to give my two weeks notice and have nowhere to go after two weeks. ::SHRUG:: There is actually another thing that kind of bothers me about this job at Arturo's. I feel like I shouldn't really be complaining about this either, but anyway: when I went for an interview and asked them what my job was going to be, they just told me that I was going to be setting and clearing tables, seating people, and bringing them their food. When I actually started working for them I was doing those things at first, but then they wanted me to start answering phones / taking phone orders (they did train me a little on how to do this...but still...they kind of expected me to do it right away). They also had me polishing silverware (which I don't mind...but it was not in my original job description). Now I understand that Arturo's is not your typical restaurant (it is way smaller than most restaurants, and guests aka customers order at the counter instead of having their order taken) but still. Most restaurants I know of have waitresses and hostesses / hosts who pretty much just waitress and hostess / host. I mean, I don't really know the inner workings of any other restaurant aside from Arturo's...so maybe I shouldn't really be talking. ::SHRUG::
In other job related news, I started working at an acting studio today!!! :D I am assisting a woman named Betsy who teaches a class for 3-6 year olds called storybook theater that takes place on wednesdays from 3:15-4:15. I am also helping kids on thursdays for an hour between classes with homework and stuff. That starts tomorrow and should be a piece of cake. I love kids. And acting. And women named Emily who run acting studios (aka my boss...her name is Emily Bauer :D). Today there was a circus theme in storybook theater, so we had the kids acting as ring masters, walking on a blue line on the floor that was supposed to be a tight rope, pretending to be lions, tigers, seals and other animals, as well as clowns (complete with red noses :P). Did I mention that I love kids?? There are about 11 kids in the class...8 or 9 girls, and 2 or 3 boys. They are all soo cute!!! :D Ok...I'll stop rambling about little kids now :D
In other other job related news, there is a clothing store in my town that is hiring so I went in and gave the lady all my info and she gave me her card, but I haven't heard from her yet. I think I'm going to call her tomorrow, though, just to see what's going on, and to inform her of my trip to Cali (in case she decides she wants me to work for her and needs me next week).
I think that's all the news I have for right now on the job front. I will write more soon about life in general.
--Emily
In an effort to try and get a job during the day, I applied to be a substitute teacher in my district. One of the teachers at the middle school I attended (Yes, I still go back to visit my middle school...I like to make the teachers feel old, what can I say??) suggested it, and I thought it would be a good idea at the time, so I decided to go ahead with it. It was a lengthy process that I'd rather not go into here. To make a long story short, I am finally on the sub list, but there's some thing online that I have to register for and I tried to do it but it wouldn't let me. Basically, I'm not really sure that I want to do it anymore. I just tried the online thing again, and apparently now it's working (maybe it wasn't working before when I tried because it was christmas vacation. ::shrug::). Ok. Correction: I'm not so sure that my mom wants me to do it anymore. I mean I need to find / have some kind of job / some kind of way to get out of the house during the day so I'm not sitting around doing nothing at home for the next 8 or so months. I mean I do have several vacations planned so far (I'm leaving for Cali on sunday to visit my cousin who I haven't seen in like forever, and then in february over president's week my mom wants to go to FL) but still...I need something that is going to get me out of the house for most of the day EVERY DAY (except for weekends) so that I can maintain my sanity. For some reason this puts my mom in a weird position / mood (I want to say it makes her angry / upset...but I can't understand why it would, and when I try to tell her that / ask her why / what the problem is she says she's not and that there is none). This goes generally for all of the "other jobs" I have applied for (aside from Arturo's and Acting with Emily--which I will talk about soon).
So I continued to search for a job, and the one that I got was working a couple nights a week at a pizza place (Arturo's). It's an okay job so far, but I'd definitely rather be working during the day. Before Arturo's, I applied to Trader Joe's and Target, but never heard anything from them. I also applied to another job at a restaurant in one of the surrounding towns at around the same time I applied to Arturo's, but I never heard from them either. Basically, when I started off at Arturo's, I did a monday night and two wednesdays. They said they were trying to get it so that I could work friday and saturday (which are the 2 busiest nights of the week for them). I figured that they'd probably have me work a couple more mondays and wednesdays (since I can never work on tuesdays and thursdays due to jazzercise and church choir--things I have to do in order to keep my sanity--honestly, I don't know what I would do without singing and exercise) and maybe some sundays, because even though I am free during the day, they have really only had me working at night so far. However, I was wrong. After that one monday and the two wednesdays I worked a saturday for like 2 hours, and then a friday and a saturday for 4 hours each. This week they have me scheduled for saturday from 5 PM to close (which is like 10 or 11 PM) but I'm willing to bet you they'll probably send me home around 9 again.
I dunno. I guess I shouldn't really be complaining about the hours. I think the only thing that is really bothering me about this job is the fact that it's at night. I would so quit right now (or at least give my two weeks notice) if I knew for sure that I had something else to go to that was going to be a consistent weekly thing (aka monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday from whatever time to whatever time, or even just monday wednesday friday from whatever time to whatever time). I don't want to give my two weeks notice and have nowhere to go after two weeks. ::SHRUG:: There is actually another thing that kind of bothers me about this job at Arturo's. I feel like I shouldn't really be complaining about this either, but anyway: when I went for an interview and asked them what my job was going to be, they just told me that I was going to be setting and clearing tables, seating people, and bringing them their food. When I actually started working for them I was doing those things at first, but then they wanted me to start answering phones / taking phone orders (they did train me a little on how to do this...but still...they kind of expected me to do it right away). They also had me polishing silverware (which I don't mind...but it was not in my original job description). Now I understand that Arturo's is not your typical restaurant (it is way smaller than most restaurants, and guests aka customers order at the counter instead of having their order taken) but still. Most restaurants I know of have waitresses and hostesses / hosts who pretty much just waitress and hostess / host. I mean, I don't really know the inner workings of any other restaurant aside from Arturo's...so maybe I shouldn't really be talking. ::SHRUG::
In other job related news, I started working at an acting studio today!!! :D I am assisting a woman named Betsy who teaches a class for 3-6 year olds called storybook theater that takes place on wednesdays from 3:15-4:15. I am also helping kids on thursdays for an hour between classes with homework and stuff. That starts tomorrow and should be a piece of cake. I love kids. And acting. And women named Emily who run acting studios (aka my boss...her name is Emily Bauer :D). Today there was a circus theme in storybook theater, so we had the kids acting as ring masters, walking on a blue line on the floor that was supposed to be a tight rope, pretending to be lions, tigers, seals and other animals, as well as clowns (complete with red noses :P). Did I mention that I love kids?? There are about 11 kids in the class...8 or 9 girls, and 2 or 3 boys. They are all soo cute!!! :D Ok...I'll stop rambling about little kids now :D
In other other job related news, there is a clothing store in my town that is hiring so I went in and gave the lady all my info and she gave me her card, but I haven't heard from her yet. I think I'm going to call her tomorrow, though, just to see what's going on, and to inform her of my trip to Cali (in case she decides she wants me to work for her and needs me next week).
I think that's all the news I have for right now on the job front. I will write more soon about life in general.
--Emily
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
I don't know how else to begin this right now (in fact, I don't even know what to call it yet) so I'm just going to start with this: Why does my mom always say that she's never going to do something again, and then go and do whatever it is she said she wasn't going to do the next time she's in the same situation?? Also, why does this aggravate me so much?? And why can't I just talk to her?? I am going to attempt to answer my own questions (because I don't think I can finish watching Monsters vs. Aliens until I have gotten this off my mind).
Ok. In reference to the whole "mom saying she's never going to do something again and then doing it" I am actually referring to something specific at this moment. I feel like she does this with a lot of things, but right now I am specifically referring to helping my brother with his homework. Before I say anything else about the situation, it should be known that my brother's handwriting sucks worse than mine ((which I feel like doesn't really say much. He could care less about school because he wants to be a DJ...and he has ADHD (with some other stuff included, probably)) so he absolutely HAS to type everything up in order for anyone to be able to read it. I feel like I'm probably the same way...but the point is that my brother does not have his own computer. Most of the things my brother owns are either broken, or have had to be replaced several times for one reason or another. He doesn't really have any friends that live around here (because he goes to a private school about an hour away, and his friends from school live all over. He goes to sleepaway camp during the summers, but his friends from camp live all over as well. He's in a youth group at our temple, so he has some friends from there). Because of all of this I feel like he has a tendency to touch things that are not his / fiddle with things that are his until he breaks them (hence the reason why he does not have a computer, along with another reason that I don't feel like mentioning here. If you really want to know what it is, you can ask me. I mean, it's a normal teenage boy thing I guess, it's just kind of gross). Because my brother does not have his own computer, my mom ends up typing everything up on hers for him (I feel like she would let him do it if she was absolutely sure he wasn't going to break it...I'm not actually sure which would take longer, though. I feel like either way it would result in a battle, because it usually does anyway). Whenever my mom types my brother's homework up for him, it always ends in a fight anyway, because my mom is sooo technologically challenged that if the slightest thing goes wrong that she does not know how to fix (which could be something as simple as the font being too small, because she really does not know anything about computers) she starts freaking out.
I guess a better question would be, why does my mom always make a big deal about EVERYTHING?? Sadly, I do not know the answer to this one. I've been trying to figure it out for a while to no avail. Another question that might be on the minds of anyone who's reading this, though, is probably "what does any of this have to do with Emily?" (or better yet, "why does it bother her so much?"). I think one of the answers to that might be that I still live in the same house as them, and so I have to listen to it as it's happening. I hate to see / hear my mom get mad / aggravated, and most of the time she takes her anger / aggravation out on me, even when I do the slightest thing. Of course I can't think of a specific example right now...but when one comes to me I will come back and edit this. **EDIT 9:02 PM:** I guess I could use tonight as a specific example. My mom's printer was out of paper and since I'm the only other person in the house now, I'm clearly the only person who has printer paper...and that was how I got dragged into this whole thing. I was trying to watch a movie (specifically Monsters vs. Aliens) and all I could hear was my mom and brother (well, more specifically my mom) yelling. the next thing I know my brother is at the door to my room asking for printer paper. I had to stop the movie and turn on the light to look for it. I just hate being interrupted in general when I am doing things. I probably just need to suck it because, I mean, getting interrupted is a fact of life. I guess it made it worse for me tonight because I had been listening to them yell, and like I said, I hate to see / hear my mom get mad). When my mom gets mad at either of us (me or my brother) it kind of causes us to freeze up and not know what to do / go into crazy panic mode / try to get everything done as quickly as possible so as not to get her more angry / aggravated, which usually results in us messing up / forgetting things, which only makes things worse and makes her more mad at us anyway.
I feel like this is one of those things that I'm going to look back at in the far future and think that it's stupid. ::SHRUG:: I just wish that I could actually talk to my mom about it and have her understand and actually change / get her to come talk to someone with me about it. I really feel that the only way that any of the problems I have with my mom are going to get solved is if she agrees to come with me to talk to a professional (psychologist / psychiatrist / counselor, or someone like that). ::SHRUG:: I kind of forgot where I was going with this now, so I guess I should end it here. More soon.
--Emily
**EDIT (again) 9:55 PM:** So my mom agrees with me on the whole Ben thing...but on almost everything else I just don't understand her. ::SHRUG:: Ok. That's really all for now.
Ok. In reference to the whole "mom saying she's never going to do something again and then doing it" I am actually referring to something specific at this moment. I feel like she does this with a lot of things, but right now I am specifically referring to helping my brother with his homework. Before I say anything else about the situation, it should be known that my brother's handwriting sucks worse than mine ((which I feel like doesn't really say much. He could care less about school because he wants to be a DJ...and he has ADHD (with some other stuff included, probably)) so he absolutely HAS to type everything up in order for anyone to be able to read it. I feel like I'm probably the same way...but the point is that my brother does not have his own computer. Most of the things my brother owns are either broken, or have had to be replaced several times for one reason or another. He doesn't really have any friends that live around here (because he goes to a private school about an hour away, and his friends from school live all over. He goes to sleepaway camp during the summers, but his friends from camp live all over as well. He's in a youth group at our temple, so he has some friends from there). Because of all of this I feel like he has a tendency to touch things that are not his / fiddle with things that are his until he breaks them (hence the reason why he does not have a computer, along with another reason that I don't feel like mentioning here. If you really want to know what it is, you can ask me. I mean, it's a normal teenage boy thing I guess, it's just kind of gross). Because my brother does not have his own computer, my mom ends up typing everything up on hers for him (I feel like she would let him do it if she was absolutely sure he wasn't going to break it...I'm not actually sure which would take longer, though. I feel like either way it would result in a battle, because it usually does anyway). Whenever my mom types my brother's homework up for him, it always ends in a fight anyway, because my mom is sooo technologically challenged that if the slightest thing goes wrong that she does not know how to fix (which could be something as simple as the font being too small, because she really does not know anything about computers) she starts freaking out.
I guess a better question would be, why does my mom always make a big deal about EVERYTHING?? Sadly, I do not know the answer to this one. I've been trying to figure it out for a while to no avail. Another question that might be on the minds of anyone who's reading this, though, is probably "what does any of this have to do with Emily?" (or better yet, "why does it bother her so much?"). I think one of the answers to that might be that I still live in the same house as them, and so I have to listen to it as it's happening. I hate to see / hear my mom get mad / aggravated, and most of the time she takes her anger / aggravation out on me, even when I do the slightest thing. Of course I can't think of a specific example right now...but when one comes to me I will come back and edit this. **EDIT 9:02 PM:** I guess I could use tonight as a specific example. My mom's printer was out of paper and since I'm the only other person in the house now, I'm clearly the only person who has printer paper...and that was how I got dragged into this whole thing. I was trying to watch a movie (specifically Monsters vs. Aliens) and all I could hear was my mom and brother (well, more specifically my mom) yelling. the next thing I know my brother is at the door to my room asking for printer paper. I had to stop the movie and turn on the light to look for it. I just hate being interrupted in general when I am doing things. I probably just need to suck it because, I mean, getting interrupted is a fact of life. I guess it made it worse for me tonight because I had been listening to them yell, and like I said, I hate to see / hear my mom get mad). When my mom gets mad at either of us (me or my brother) it kind of causes us to freeze up and not know what to do / go into crazy panic mode / try to get everything done as quickly as possible so as not to get her more angry / aggravated, which usually results in us messing up / forgetting things, which only makes things worse and makes her more mad at us anyway.
I feel like this is one of those things that I'm going to look back at in the far future and think that it's stupid. ::SHRUG:: I just wish that I could actually talk to my mom about it and have her understand and actually change / get her to come talk to someone with me about it. I really feel that the only way that any of the problems I have with my mom are going to get solved is if she agrees to come with me to talk to a professional (psychologist / psychiatrist / counselor, or someone like that). ::SHRUG:: I kind of forgot where I was going with this now, so I guess I should end it here. More soon.
--Emily
**EDIT (again) 9:55 PM:** So my mom agrees with me on the whole Ben thing...but on almost everything else I just don't understand her. ::SHRUG:: Ok. That's really all for now.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Short, Sweet, Random, and to the point
This entry is going to be just what the title says. I was woken up this morning by my dogs pushing my door open with their long and cute little noses (which actually weren't so cute) at 6 AM. Of course dogs don't know how to shut doors, so my door was left wide open while my brother was hastily getting ready for school and having a yelling match with my mom. The one thing that I can distinctly remember him yelling (because I was half awake and trying to fall back asleep) is "I guess I'm not normal, am I?" My thought response to this in my half awake state was: "There is really no such thing as normal when it comes to human beings".
I used to think that I was not "normal" (especially when I was in high school) and it used to make me so upset because I wished that I was (even though I had no clue what the word even meant, really). According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, normal means: 1). "Regular, standard, natural. Of average intelligence; also: sound in mind and body. 2). One that is normal. The usual condition, level or quantity. Honestly, this makes "normal" sound boring to me. It makes me feel glad that I am not "normal".
I think that that was really all that I wanted to say for right now. Again, I might come back and edit this at some point.
--Emily
I used to think that I was not "normal" (especially when I was in high school) and it used to make me so upset because I wished that I was (even though I had no clue what the word even meant, really). According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, normal means: 1). "Regular, standard, natural. Of average intelligence; also: sound in mind and body. 2). One that is normal. The usual condition, level or quantity. Honestly, this makes "normal" sound boring to me. It makes me feel glad that I am not "normal".
I think that that was really all that I wanted to say for right now. Again, I might come back and edit this at some point.
--Emily
Sunday, January 3, 2010
"This is the story of a girl...
...who cried a river and drowned the whole world"--Absolutely (Story of a Girl), by Nine Days. GOOD. SONG. But seriously...this is the story of a girl that I kind of knew in middle school and high school. She was more of an acquaintance than anything else. I'll call her HB because those are her initials. At the time she was everything I wanted to be: popular, pretty, the lead in several musicals, a good dancer, singer, and actress...and she was older than me. For some reason when I was younger I always wanted to be or look older, and so I envied anyone who was or did.
I feel like I probably went a little too far in trying to get her to be my friend. I couldn't bring myself to talk to her because I was shy / nervous and felt like it might be weird if she had no clue who I was (which I assumed that she did, although I'm not so sure that that was true). I remember writing her a letter that was never sent (I still have it in my scrapbook...I wrote it on Keropi paper and stuck it in an envelope but never sent it, and that was probably for the better (maybe at some point I will dig it up and post it here, just so the people who read this can see how creepy it was). However, I think I revised it one day and actually gave it to her (after we had kind of gotten to know each other through being in musicals together...when I was in 7th grade I was an orphan in Annie and she was Miss Hannigan, and then we were both in the chorus of Funny Girl when I was in 9th grade).
Anyway, to make a long story short we were never really friends (at least not to the extent that I wanted us to be). Every time I would try to ask her to do something with me she would always say that she was busy (and maybe she actually was, but I always felt like she was trying to avoid me). I guess we were never really meant to be friends, but I wanted it so badly at the time that I just kept on trying anything and everything that I could think of.
Moving on to the real point of this entry: Recently, when I have seen HB I have tried to avoid her. I saw her in Target one time and tried to keep my distance. She eventually passed by me, and we both pretended not to notice each other. I can't remember if I tried to say hi to her or not, but she totally passed right by me without even noticing me. She was with someone else so maybe she was preoccupied. ::SHRUG:: I don't know why I even care anymore. Last night she showed up at the pizza place where I work. Luckily we were really busy and I was not on hostess duty (my main jobs last night were setting and clearing tables, polishing silverware, and folding boxes, but enough about my job for right now. I will write more about it in a future entry). but I felt bad for her because we were busy and she had to stand at the door for a while before the guy who WAS on hostess (or host, in his case) duty was even able to get to her but when I saw her walk in the door I was like "Whoa, hello!" (to myself of course) and I kind of shot her a look and I could have sworn she saw me and was thinking "Whoa, she works here now? She's back in town?". I feel like that made things kind of awkward. Things would have been waaay more awkward if I had had to set and clear her table. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I was banished (not in a mean way, though) downstairs to fold boxes for the rest of my shift. To be honest, I was happy and even relieved to have something to do to keep myself busy. When I finished and finally came upstairs, it seemed like HB was in the middle of her meal, and I was kind of glad that I did not have to deal with her.
And now you get a poem that I hope might explain things better:
Every time
You walk by
I am still shocked,
But now in a different way
Than before.
I'm sure that I've said this
Many a time,
But probably never
to you.
I'm pretty sure
That I've only ever said it
To myself, actually,
When in reality
The one that I should have said it to
Was you.
I'm sure that you thought
That I was a creep
Or a stalker or lesbo
Or worse.
But I can assure you
That I was (and am)
None of the above.
You really mesmerized
And fascinated me.
You were a triple threat
Like a character
Straight out of Glee.
You were like Lea Michele
And Idina Menzel
But I,
I just didn't know it yet.
I was the screaming little fangirl
Who just wanted to be
Your friend.
But now when I see you
I try to avoid you
And go
In a new direction.
I try to keep busy
When I see you are near
For fear
Of what you might say
Or do.
I know that I can be nice
And not as cold as ice
And put the past
Behind me.
But I wonder
If you
If you feel that way too
Or if you're still
A snobby high school bitch
Dressed in the clothing
Of a woman.
I know that seems long, but I still feel like I could add more to it. Maybe I will come back and edit / add to it sometime in the future (Although I feel like I used to say that a lot about things that I wrote when I was younger, and then I never managed to get around to it. ::SHRUG:: We'll see what happens. For now I am kind of tired and I have a headache and I feel like I should go to bed now, but I don't really have anything to do / anywhere to be tomorrow until around 3 PM. Maybe I'll go watch an episode of Grey's. More soon.
--Emily
I feel like I probably went a little too far in trying to get her to be my friend. I couldn't bring myself to talk to her because I was shy / nervous and felt like it might be weird if she had no clue who I was (which I assumed that she did, although I'm not so sure that that was true). I remember writing her a letter that was never sent (I still have it in my scrapbook...I wrote it on Keropi paper and stuck it in an envelope but never sent it, and that was probably for the better (maybe at some point I will dig it up and post it here, just so the people who read this can see how creepy it was). However, I think I revised it one day and actually gave it to her (after we had kind of gotten to know each other through being in musicals together...when I was in 7th grade I was an orphan in Annie and she was Miss Hannigan, and then we were both in the chorus of Funny Girl when I was in 9th grade).
Anyway, to make a long story short we were never really friends (at least not to the extent that I wanted us to be). Every time I would try to ask her to do something with me she would always say that she was busy (and maybe she actually was, but I always felt like she was trying to avoid me). I guess we were never really meant to be friends, but I wanted it so badly at the time that I just kept on trying anything and everything that I could think of.
Moving on to the real point of this entry: Recently, when I have seen HB I have tried to avoid her. I saw her in Target one time and tried to keep my distance. She eventually passed by me, and we both pretended not to notice each other. I can't remember if I tried to say hi to her or not, but she totally passed right by me without even noticing me. She was with someone else so maybe she was preoccupied. ::SHRUG:: I don't know why I even care anymore. Last night she showed up at the pizza place where I work. Luckily we were really busy and I was not on hostess duty (my main jobs last night were setting and clearing tables, polishing silverware, and folding boxes, but enough about my job for right now. I will write more about it in a future entry). but I felt bad for her because we were busy and she had to stand at the door for a while before the guy who WAS on hostess (or host, in his case) duty was even able to get to her but when I saw her walk in the door I was like "Whoa, hello!" (to myself of course) and I kind of shot her a look and I could have sworn she saw me and was thinking "Whoa, she works here now? She's back in town?". I feel like that made things kind of awkward. Things would have been waaay more awkward if I had had to set and clear her table. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I was banished (not in a mean way, though) downstairs to fold boxes for the rest of my shift. To be honest, I was happy and even relieved to have something to do to keep myself busy. When I finished and finally came upstairs, it seemed like HB was in the middle of her meal, and I was kind of glad that I did not have to deal with her.
And now you get a poem that I hope might explain things better:
Every time
You walk by
I am still shocked,
But now in a different way
Than before.
I'm sure that I've said this
Many a time,
But probably never
to you.
I'm pretty sure
That I've only ever said it
To myself, actually,
When in reality
The one that I should have said it to
Was you.
I'm sure that you thought
That I was a creep
Or a stalker or lesbo
Or worse.
But I can assure you
That I was (and am)
None of the above.
You really mesmerized
And fascinated me.
You were a triple threat
Like a character
Straight out of Glee.
You were like Lea Michele
And Idina Menzel
But I,
I just didn't know it yet.
I was the screaming little fangirl
Who just wanted to be
Your friend.
But now when I see you
I try to avoid you
And go
In a new direction.
I try to keep busy
When I see you are near
For fear
Of what you might say
Or do.
I know that I can be nice
And not as cold as ice
And put the past
Behind me.
But I wonder
If you
If you feel that way too
Or if you're still
A snobby high school bitch
Dressed in the clothing
Of a woman.
I know that seems long, but I still feel like I could add more to it. Maybe I will come back and edit / add to it sometime in the future (Although I feel like I used to say that a lot about things that I wrote when I was younger, and then I never managed to get around to it. ::SHRUG:: We'll see what happens. For now I am kind of tired and I have a headache and I feel like I should go to bed now, but I don't really have anything to do / anywhere to be tomorrow until around 3 PM. Maybe I'll go watch an episode of Grey's. More soon.
--Emily
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Hello Blog World!!
Haha...Blog world sounds like it should be an amusement park!!! :D Ok...now that I have officially started this blog off on a really random note, let me introduce myself. My name is Emily (for those of you who might read this and don't know me...which I'm not quite sure is really going to be anyone...but whatevs). In case I haven't made it blatantly obvious already, I use a lot of elipses (sp.?). I have been very hesitant to start a blog up until very recently, because I always had Deadjournal and facebook notes, but I have recently come to 2 conclusions: 1). Hardly anyone reads or posts on Deadjournal anymore, and 2). There are some things that I would not want to post in a facebook note, and just can't keep to myself (i.e. job and certain general life-related things).
If you know me you know that I love to dance, sing, act, read and write. Hopefully this blog will include many (if not all) of those things.
I know this was a short post, but I have to end it and go to sleep now, as I have to get up kind of early-ish tomorrow to go sing at church (how's this for ironic: I'm Jewish and I sing in a church choir...LOL I love it :D). I promise I will post more, longer posts soon.
--Emily
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