"This is the story of a girl...

...who cried a river and drowned the whole world"--Absolutely (Story of a Girl), by Nine Days. GOOD. SONG. But seriously...this is the story of a girl that I kind of knew in middle school and high school. She was more of an acquaintance than anything else. I'll call her HB because those are her initials. At the time she was everything I wanted to be: popular, pretty, the lead in several musicals, a good dancer, singer, and actress...and she was older than me. For some reason when I was younger I always wanted to be or look older, and so I envied anyone who was or did.

I feel like I probably went a little too far in trying to get her to be my friend. I couldn't bring myself to talk to her because I was shy / nervous and felt like it might be weird if she had no clue who I was (which I assumed that she did, although I'm not so sure that that was true). I remember writing her a letter that was never sent (I still have it in my scrapbook...I wrote it on Keropi paper and stuck it in an envelope but never sent it, and that was probably for the better (maybe at some point I will dig it up and post it here, just so the people who read this can see how creepy it was). However, I think I revised it one day and actually gave it to her (after we had kind of gotten to know each other through being in musicals together...when I was in 7th grade I was an orphan in Annie and she was Miss Hannigan, and then we were both in the chorus of Funny Girl when I was in 9th grade).

Anyway, to make a long story short we were never really friends (at least not to the extent that I wanted us to be). Every time I would try to ask her to do something with me she would always say that she was busy (and maybe she actually was, but I always felt like she was trying to avoid me). I guess we were never really meant to be friends, but I wanted it so badly at the time that I just kept on trying anything and everything that I could think of.

Moving on to the real point of this entry: Recently, when I have seen HB I have tried to avoid her. I saw her in Target one time and tried to keep my distance. She eventually passed by me, and we both pretended not to notice each other. I can't remember if I tried to say hi to her or not, but she totally passed right by me without even noticing me. She was with someone else so maybe she was preoccupied. ::SHRUG:: I don't know why I even care anymore. Last night she showed up at the pizza place where I work. Luckily we were really busy and I was not on hostess duty (my main jobs last night were setting and clearing tables, polishing silverware, and folding boxes, but enough about my job for right now. I will write more about it in a future entry). but I felt bad for her because we were busy and she had to stand at the door for a while before the guy who WAS on hostess (or host, in his case) duty was even able to get to her but when I saw her walk in the door I was like "Whoa, hello!" (to myself of course) and I kind of shot her a look and I could have sworn she saw me and was thinking "Whoa, she works here now? She's back in town?". I feel like that made things kind of awkward. Things would have been waaay more awkward if I had had to set and clear her table. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I was banished (not in a mean way, though) downstairs to fold boxes for the rest of my shift. To be honest, I was happy and even relieved to have something to do to keep myself busy. When I finished and finally came upstairs, it seemed like HB was in the middle of her meal, and I was kind of glad that I did not have to deal with her.

And now you get a poem that I hope might explain things better:

Every time
You walk by
I am still shocked,
But now in a different way
Than before.

I'm sure that I've said this
Many a time,
But probably never
to you.
I'm pretty sure
That I've only ever said it
To myself, actually,
When in reality
The one that I should have said it to
Was you.

I'm sure that you thought
That I was a creep
Or a stalker or lesbo
Or worse.
But I can assure you
That I was (and am)
None of the above.

You really mesmerized
And fascinated me.
You were a triple threat
Like a character
Straight out of Glee.
You were like Lea Michele
And Idina Menzel
But I,
I just didn't know it yet.

I was the screaming little fangirl
Who just wanted to be
Your friend.
But now when I see you
I try to avoid you
And go
In a new direction.
I try to keep busy
When I see you are near
For fear
Of what you might say
Or do.

I know that I can be nice
And not as cold as ice
And put the past
Behind me.
But I wonder
If you
If you feel that way too
Or if you're still
A snobby high school bitch
Dressed in the clothing
Of a woman.

I know that seems long, but I still feel like I could add more to it. Maybe I will come back and edit / add to it sometime in the future (Although I feel like I used to say that a lot about things that I wrote when I was younger, and then I never managed to get around to it. ::SHRUG:: We'll see what happens. For now I am kind of tired and I have a headache and I feel like I should go to bed now, but I don't really have anything to do / anywhere to be tomorrow until around 3 PM. Maybe I'll go watch an episode of Grey's. More soon.

--Emily