This entry is going to get right to the point as well: I want a job, but I'm not sure if I want one right now, or for over the summer. I mean, if I get one now it could probably last me through the summer, I'm just not really sure what I want right now. I have the Acting With Emily thing, and Emily said that she was hopefully going to increase my hours in the spring (the end of the winter session is in 2 weeks, and then there's like a mini session, and then the spring session starts). I took improvisation classes when I was younger and I loved them, so I think it might be fun to assist with some of those, in addition to the storybook theater class that I'm already helping with. I might just stick with that if she gives me more days / hours (right now I'm just doing an hour each on wednesday and thursday afternoons) but I'd like to be doing stuff during the day too. ::SHRUG::
If I don't get another job in addition to Acting With Emily, I'm still gonna need a summer job. I really want to be working with kids over the summer because it's good practice for what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life ((school social work), but at the same time I feel like I might want to do something different, because this might be the last summer that I can (aka I think now is the best time to explore and try new things because I'm probably not going to want or need to in the future...or if I do then I will have experience in some other field and won't be stuck without a job in the (what I'm hoping is very unlikely) event that social work doesn't work out)). <--I'm not sure exactly what I mean by that (maybe that there's a chance that I might be out of a job at some point in the future--not that I won't be good at my job or I won't love it--just that with the way the economy is faring right now, I feel like no job is absolutely secure).
If I work with kids over the summer it will probably be at a summer camp in a temple (aka preschool!! :D), but not necessarily the one that my mom works at. I feel like it was kind of implied from the beginning of my summer job search that I was not going to work at the day camp at our temple (for what reason and by who I have no clue...mom and Ben both seem to be perfectly fine with it...or so I think. ::SHRUG:: maybe it was something I did to myself) because Ben was. There's another temple on that same street before you get to the one that my mom works at that might have a day camp. My mom keeps saying that we'll go to check it out, and then we never do because she always has something else going on after work (i.e. she needs to get home for the cleaning lady, or she's tired, or she just forgets because she has other things on her mind i.e. running errands, etc.).
I might go job hunting at the mall with one of my friends on friday because I feel like it never hurts to go fill out a job application, and they are not in any way binding.
On an unrelated note (actually one that's more related to my previous post) I'm wondering if I should just send in a deposit to Fordham to hold my place in case I don't get into NYU and I decide I want to go there. I feel like it might be a good idea, because it as well is not binding, and I can decide to pull out at any time if I want to. The deposit is non-refundable...but mom doesn't seem to care. ::SHRUG::
I might also just e-mail the lady who runs the camp at our temple and see what happens. Part of me feels like I should just hold off on all the job stuff until I know what's going on with Acting With Emily, but at the same time, like I said before it can't hurt to just go to the mall and fill out some applications. I've filled out a handful of applications already, and no one's gotten back to me, so I don't really see what difference it makes. If one of the places I apply to this time actually decides to hire me, I will decide how to proceed from there.
I think that's all for now / tonight. It's late and I'm tired.
--Emily
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Grad School Stuffs
I'm gonna get right to the point of this entry, right from the start: I really want to hear from NYU already (honestly at this point I don't really care if I get in or not...I'd much rather get in, I mean it would make me very happy...but I'm into Fordham and I would gladly go there if I don't get into NYU--even if I get into Hunter--I think I'd rather go to Fordham at this point...I'll talk more about the Hunter thing in a bit). Today I got a huge package from Fordham with all kinds of scholarship and financial aid stuff, brochures about housing, curriculum and registration stuff, and info about health services. There was even a thing that I can send to them once I decide whether I want to go there or not (the top half is a statement of acceptance in case I decide I want to go there, and the bottom half is a declination statement). I got all excited about it at first because I have been checking the mail every day for something from NYU and I thought this was it, but I was still excited when I saw that it was from Fordham, even though I'm still not sure whether I want to go there or not. It would definitely make things a lot easier if I knew whether or not I've gotten into NYU. I tried to call them yesterday to see if anyone could tell me when I'd be hearing from them, and the woman I spoke to told me that they were probably reviewing my application, and that that was all she could tell me.
I feel like NYU has at least been a little bit more helpful than Hunter has. When I go to the NYU website the mission statement is very easy to find and it tells me all about the school. The Hunter website, on the other hand just doesn't say as much. I get the feeling that their program is just a general program that doesn't have a specific focus (i.e. social justice--Fordham, or clinical social work--NYU). I guess I would be okay with that if I didn't get into NYU, but I feel like I'm more familiar with Fordham so I should just stick with that. I would say that the location of Fordham is also better than that of Hunter, but I've been looking at it, and I really don't think that it makes a difference. One of my aunts lives about 20 blocks away from Fordham, and the other lives about 20 blocks away from Hunter. I feel like NYU is closer to where my friends who live in NYC are (well, specifically friend aka Phoebe...she's the only one who's there now that I know of, but in the fall Polly and Jackie and maybe some others might be there). I've gotten to know the area around NYU pretty well (I went there last month or so to talk to someone in admissions so I got to walk around the area) and I have a cousin who lives not too far away from there as well (he's in SoHo). I don't really know the areas around Hunter and Fordham (although I'd be forced to get to know them if I decided I wanted to go to either one, and I feel like that actually wouldn't be so bad).
Like I said, when I called NYU the other day to see if I could find out when I would be hearing from them, I spoke to a woman who told me that my application was probably being reviewed and I could try to e-mail the office of admissions, but I would get a response that told me the same thing she just had. I called Hunter as well, and they have one of those stupid automated messages where you have to listen to the whole thing in order to actually be able to talk to a person. I pressed whatever button I was supposed to in order to be able to talk to a person, and then I got an answering machine. There was no way in frickin' hell that I was going to leave a message, so I just hung up. That is another reason why I would much rather go to Fordham if I don't get into NYU.
There's a reception for admitted students at Fordham on the 18th of March and I feel like I should go just to learn more about the program and meet people that I might be going to school with in the fall, as well as teachers that I might be having if I decide to go there. I'm hoping that I will have heard either way about NYU by then so that I can know once and for all where I'm going. I feel like these next few weeks are going to go by really slowly, though. GRRRRRR.
**EDIT 7:12 PM:** So I sent an e-mail to the Fordham admissions people, RSVPing to the reception thingy that said: "To whom it may concern,
I just wanted to let you know that I will be attending the acceptance reception on Thursday, March 18th. My only problem is that I am still waiting to hear from NYU as to whether I got accepted there or not. Hopefully by then I will have heard from them, and I will be able to decide whether or not I am definitely going to attend Fordham. I will e-mail you and let you know if anything changes.
Sincerely,
Emily Kaplan"
I probably should not have said the whole thing about NYU and not being sure that I wanted to attend Fordham. ::SHRUG:: My mom seems to think that it was irrelevant, which I guess it was, but somehow because of that she thinks that they're not going to allow me to go there now if I decide that I want to. I also probably should have said "admitted students reception" now that I think about it, but I feel like that isn't as big of a deal. It wasn't like I said I was definitely not attending Fordham...and they didn't give me a deadline as to when I have to decide. ::SHRUG:: It just gives me one more thing that I have to worry about.
I think that was all I wanted to say for right now. If I think of more things related to the subject of grad school I will come back and edit this entry. More soon.
--Emily
I feel like NYU has at least been a little bit more helpful than Hunter has. When I go to the NYU website the mission statement is very easy to find and it tells me all about the school. The Hunter website, on the other hand just doesn't say as much. I get the feeling that their program is just a general program that doesn't have a specific focus (i.e. social justice--Fordham, or clinical social work--NYU). I guess I would be okay with that if I didn't get into NYU, but I feel like I'm more familiar with Fordham so I should just stick with that. I would say that the location of Fordham is also better than that of Hunter, but I've been looking at it, and I really don't think that it makes a difference. One of my aunts lives about 20 blocks away from Fordham, and the other lives about 20 blocks away from Hunter. I feel like NYU is closer to where my friends who live in NYC are (well, specifically friend aka Phoebe...she's the only one who's there now that I know of, but in the fall Polly and Jackie and maybe some others might be there). I've gotten to know the area around NYU pretty well (I went there last month or so to talk to someone in admissions so I got to walk around the area) and I have a cousin who lives not too far away from there as well (he's in SoHo). I don't really know the areas around Hunter and Fordham (although I'd be forced to get to know them if I decided I wanted to go to either one, and I feel like that actually wouldn't be so bad).
Like I said, when I called NYU the other day to see if I could find out when I would be hearing from them, I spoke to a woman who told me that my application was probably being reviewed and I could try to e-mail the office of admissions, but I would get a response that told me the same thing she just had. I called Hunter as well, and they have one of those stupid automated messages where you have to listen to the whole thing in order to actually be able to talk to a person. I pressed whatever button I was supposed to in order to be able to talk to a person, and then I got an answering machine. There was no way in frickin' hell that I was going to leave a message, so I just hung up. That is another reason why I would much rather go to Fordham if I don't get into NYU.
There's a reception for admitted students at Fordham on the 18th of March and I feel like I should go just to learn more about the program and meet people that I might be going to school with in the fall, as well as teachers that I might be having if I decide to go there. I'm hoping that I will have heard either way about NYU by then so that I can know once and for all where I'm going. I feel like these next few weeks are going to go by really slowly, though. GRRRRRR.
**EDIT 7:12 PM:** So I sent an e-mail to the Fordham admissions people, RSVPing to the reception thingy that said: "To whom it may concern,
I just wanted to let you know that I will be attending the acceptance reception on Thursday, March 18th. My only problem is that I am still waiting to hear from NYU as to whether I got accepted there or not. Hopefully by then I will have heard from them, and I will be able to decide whether or not I am definitely going to attend Fordham. I will e-mail you and let you know if anything changes.
Sincerely,
Emily Kaplan"
I probably should not have said the whole thing about NYU and not being sure that I wanted to attend Fordham. ::SHRUG:: My mom seems to think that it was irrelevant, which I guess it was, but somehow because of that she thinks that they're not going to allow me to go there now if I decide that I want to. I also probably should have said "admitted students reception" now that I think about it, but I feel like that isn't as big of a deal. It wasn't like I said I was definitely not attending Fordham...and they didn't give me a deadline as to when I have to decide. ::SHRUG:: It just gives me one more thing that I have to worry about.
I think that was all I wanted to say for right now. If I think of more things related to the subject of grad school I will come back and edit this entry. More soon.
--Emily
Monday, February 15, 2010
“Tonight’s gonna be a good night…”
This weekend was probably one of the best weekends I’ve had in a long time. On Friday night I got Chinese food, and my mom and Ben and I watched the opening ceremony for the Olympics from 7:30 – 11:00 PM. It was really interesting to see how many athletes each nation had (the range was from one to two hundred something). There were different indigenous Canadian tribes that did a dance before hand, which I thought was interesting. They all had really elaborate costumes. I love to watch the opening ceremonies of the Olympics because you really get to see and learn a lot about whatever country is hosting them.
After the parade of nations there were performances by Nelly Furtado (with some guy whose name I can’t remember), and Sarah Mclachlan (sp.?), two artists that I like a lot, and then a dance that portrayed what the different seasons were like in Canada (I mean, they’re not different from the U.S., but it was interesting to see how the dancers interpreted them (I apologize if this is boring for those of you who were able to watch the opening ceremony, but I wanted to share my perception of it). I did not get to see the whole thing (I don’t know how much longer it went on after I went to sleep) because I was tired.
Saturday I went to see Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief with Ben and one of his friends from school, a girl named Sarah. My mom and Sarah’s parents went to see A Single Man. Percy Jackson was really good. Chris Columbus, who directed the first two Harry Potter films, directed it and it had Pierce Brosnan, Rosario Dawson, and Uma Thurman in it. It’s about a kid (Percy Jackson) who is the son of Poseidon and a mortal woman, which makes him a demi-god. He doesn’t realize it though until he goes on a school field trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and his teacher takes him aside because she says she wants to talk to him, but then she turns into some kind of crazy flying creature, and she attacks him. The gods think that he has stolen Zeus’s lightning bolt, and they want it back. He goes to this special camp for demi-gods so that he can stay safe and protected, and a Minotaur steals his mom from him. We later find out that Hades has gotten a hold of his mom somehow, and the only way that Percy can get her back is by going to the underworld to get her. Because there is no way out of the underworld once you get there, Percy and his friends have to find three magic pearls that when stepped on will essentially free them from the underworld. Most of the movie chronicles the adventures of Percy and his friends on their quest to find the pearls. I don’t want to reveal much else in case you guys decide that you want to go see this movie. I thought it was really cool. It was one of those kinds of movies that are action packed and keep you on the edge of your seat throughout the whole thing, at least in my opinion.
After the movie our parents came to pick us up, and we went to our favorite Italian restaurant in the area, called Basilico’s. I ordered caprese (pronounced capri-say; it’s mozzarella and tomatoes with some kind of oil…maybe truffle oil, I don’t remember, but I feel like I should know this because they serve it at Arturo’s too) as an appetizer and gnocchi bolognese as my main meal. It was really good, but very filling as gnocchi usually is. After the movie we went back to Sarah’s house to play some Wii (Ben and I got one for Chanukah and now we’re addicted so we have to play it almost everywhere we go that has one i.e. friend’s houses, etc. It’s a pretty cool game console and I suggest that if you’ve never tried one out you should at some point). Sarah likes Wii Sports (it has tennis, baseball, bowling, boxing, and golf. Ben and I love the bowling and have gotten REALLY good at it) so she and Ben played tennis and bowled, and then I bowled with her as well (I’m really only good at the bowling, boxing and golf…I suck at the tennis and baseball, and I’ve never been a huge fan of sports in general anyway, so I don’t really care). After Wii we had some ice cream and then came home.
This brings me to Sunday; Happy Valentine’s Day to all and to all a WONDERFUL day. : D The valentine that my mom got me was really sweet. It’s pink and says daughter on the front. On the inside left it says; “A push in the swing, a storybook read, a kiss on the cheek. A chat in the car, a hug at the door, a laugh on the phone”. Then on the right side it says: “So many little moments have made me so very lucky to have a daughter like you—a daughter who’s transformed from that little girl with the big smile to the young woman with a big heart. Happy Valentine’s day with love”. She wrote a little message underneath that which says; “I’m so glad you’ve been here for me. It means more than you’ll know”. I know this is true, but at the same time, I don’t think it would have worked any other way. If I had gone to school this year I would have had to quit school and come home again anyway. For more reasons than one I am glad I did not go straight to grad school. As much as I wish that I was back in school right now, and as much as I complain about living at home again, I really think that I made the right decision.
I think the title of this entry really applies to Sunday night, because it was indeed a good night. Ashton had been in NYC since Friday because of work, so we decided to have an EC reunion dinner. I met Ashton, Phoebe, Bilal, and Ryan (a man that Ashton had just met on Friday or Saturday night who was from Boston and in NYC for the week for work) at an Irish Pub on E. 43rd street called Annie Moore’s. I took a 5 PM train to Penn Station that got me in at 5:44, and then I walked to Annie Moore’s and got there at like 6 PM. I was soooo not expecting to be the first one there, but I was. I called Phoebe who said that she was just leaving her apartment and would be there in 15 minutes, so I went inside and waited. Maybe about 5 minutes later I got a call from Ashton saying that she was lost so I went outside to try and find her. It turned out that she just hadn’t walked far enough, and we found each other in no time. I was busy turning in circles trying to see her, which ended up being kind of funny. I was glad that I got to spend some QT with her before everyone else arrived. We sat at a table and had sprite to drink while we chatted and waited for everyone else. Once they arrived we sat down to eat. I had a crab cake sandwich that was really good, and apparently I was really hungry because I practically inhaled it.
Ashton was freezing because she had worn a short dress with no tights and heels and a somewhat light coat not thinking that she was going to have to walk so far to get from her hotel or wherever she was to the pub, so after dinner we went back to her hotel so she could change and be warmer the rest of the evening. She put on a scarf and a warmer coat, and we headed out again. This time I got to spend some QT with Phoebe, because we were both walking kind of fast, and Ashton and Ryan were walking a little slower (by this point Bilal had split which was kind of a shame because I had enjoyed hanging out with him. It made me sad that we had never been closer while at EC, but I told him I would find him on facebook, and he said that we should all get together again soon). We went to Starbucks because Ashton wanted coffee, and then Ashton and Phoebe decided that they were going to join Ashton’s coworkers at some club (Ryan had to get back to wherever he was staying because he had to work in the morning, and I had to catch the 10:11 train so that I didn’t get home at some crazy hour and my mom could come pick me up. I dropped Ashton and Phoebe off at the hotel where Ashton was staying so that they could meet up with Ashton’s coworkers, and then headed on my way to Penn Station (this was at like 9:30 PM).
I walked up to the corner of 7th avenue and W. 40th street and tried to hail a cab. The first thing that came my way and actually stopped was one of those bicycle taxis (you know, those bicycles that have like chariots attached to the back of them?? Yeah, one of those…LOL). The guy on the bicycle asked me where I was going and I told him Penn Station (Ok, it was cold, and I honestly really wanted a real cab even though I was only going like 6 blocks, but anyway…). I asked him how much it was and he told me 8 dollars. I’m not really sure whether it would have cost more to take an actual cab or not, but I figured this guy offered to give me a ride and I was tired and cold so it probably would not have been a good idea to turn him down. It was definitely an interesting experience; not as warm as I would have liked for it to be, and REALLY bumpy…probably the bumpiest ride I’ve ever had in NYC. I got to Penn Station with plenty of time, so I bought myself a book and sat down to read for a little while before the track for my train was posted.
When I finally went to get on the train, I realized that a girl that I went to middle school and high school with was walking next to me (someone that I knew and was friendly with, but was never really friends with). She got to the bottom of the stairs before I did, and when I got to the bottom she recognized me and said hi. We ended up talking the whole way back to Maplewood. It was fun. I always find it interesting to see people that I went to school with when I was younger, especially now, because I really didn’t keep in touch with that many people after high school. I had a huge falling out with a lot of people in my friend group around prom time senior year, and then we all went off to college (most of them at Rutgers), and we just didn’t really keep in touch.
I think that’s all for now. More soon.
Emily
After the parade of nations there were performances by Nelly Furtado (with some guy whose name I can’t remember), and Sarah Mclachlan (sp.?), two artists that I like a lot, and then a dance that portrayed what the different seasons were like in Canada (I mean, they’re not different from the U.S., but it was interesting to see how the dancers interpreted them (I apologize if this is boring for those of you who were able to watch the opening ceremony, but I wanted to share my perception of it). I did not get to see the whole thing (I don’t know how much longer it went on after I went to sleep) because I was tired.
Saturday I went to see Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief with Ben and one of his friends from school, a girl named Sarah. My mom and Sarah’s parents went to see A Single Man. Percy Jackson was really good. Chris Columbus, who directed the first two Harry Potter films, directed it and it had Pierce Brosnan, Rosario Dawson, and Uma Thurman in it. It’s about a kid (Percy Jackson) who is the son of Poseidon and a mortal woman, which makes him a demi-god. He doesn’t realize it though until he goes on a school field trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and his teacher takes him aside because she says she wants to talk to him, but then she turns into some kind of crazy flying creature, and she attacks him. The gods think that he has stolen Zeus’s lightning bolt, and they want it back. He goes to this special camp for demi-gods so that he can stay safe and protected, and a Minotaur steals his mom from him. We later find out that Hades has gotten a hold of his mom somehow, and the only way that Percy can get her back is by going to the underworld to get her. Because there is no way out of the underworld once you get there, Percy and his friends have to find three magic pearls that when stepped on will essentially free them from the underworld. Most of the movie chronicles the adventures of Percy and his friends on their quest to find the pearls. I don’t want to reveal much else in case you guys decide that you want to go see this movie. I thought it was really cool. It was one of those kinds of movies that are action packed and keep you on the edge of your seat throughout the whole thing, at least in my opinion.
After the movie our parents came to pick us up, and we went to our favorite Italian restaurant in the area, called Basilico’s. I ordered caprese (pronounced capri-say; it’s mozzarella and tomatoes with some kind of oil…maybe truffle oil, I don’t remember, but I feel like I should know this because they serve it at Arturo’s too) as an appetizer and gnocchi bolognese as my main meal. It was really good, but very filling as gnocchi usually is. After the movie we went back to Sarah’s house to play some Wii (Ben and I got one for Chanukah and now we’re addicted so we have to play it almost everywhere we go that has one i.e. friend’s houses, etc. It’s a pretty cool game console and I suggest that if you’ve never tried one out you should at some point). Sarah likes Wii Sports (it has tennis, baseball, bowling, boxing, and golf. Ben and I love the bowling and have gotten REALLY good at it) so she and Ben played tennis and bowled, and then I bowled with her as well (I’m really only good at the bowling, boxing and golf…I suck at the tennis and baseball, and I’ve never been a huge fan of sports in general anyway, so I don’t really care). After Wii we had some ice cream and then came home.
This brings me to Sunday; Happy Valentine’s Day to all and to all a WONDERFUL day. : D The valentine that my mom got me was really sweet. It’s pink and says daughter on the front. On the inside left it says; “A push in the swing, a storybook read, a kiss on the cheek. A chat in the car, a hug at the door, a laugh on the phone”. Then on the right side it says: “So many little moments have made me so very lucky to have a daughter like you—a daughter who’s transformed from that little girl with the big smile to the young woman with a big heart. Happy Valentine’s day with love”. She wrote a little message underneath that which says; “I’m so glad you’ve been here for me. It means more than you’ll know”. I know this is true, but at the same time, I don’t think it would have worked any other way. If I had gone to school this year I would have had to quit school and come home again anyway. For more reasons than one I am glad I did not go straight to grad school. As much as I wish that I was back in school right now, and as much as I complain about living at home again, I really think that I made the right decision.
I think the title of this entry really applies to Sunday night, because it was indeed a good night. Ashton had been in NYC since Friday because of work, so we decided to have an EC reunion dinner. I met Ashton, Phoebe, Bilal, and Ryan (a man that Ashton had just met on Friday or Saturday night who was from Boston and in NYC for the week for work) at an Irish Pub on E. 43rd street called Annie Moore’s. I took a 5 PM train to Penn Station that got me in at 5:44, and then I walked to Annie Moore’s and got there at like 6 PM. I was soooo not expecting to be the first one there, but I was. I called Phoebe who said that she was just leaving her apartment and would be there in 15 minutes, so I went inside and waited. Maybe about 5 minutes later I got a call from Ashton saying that she was lost so I went outside to try and find her. It turned out that she just hadn’t walked far enough, and we found each other in no time. I was busy turning in circles trying to see her, which ended up being kind of funny. I was glad that I got to spend some QT with her before everyone else arrived. We sat at a table and had sprite to drink while we chatted and waited for everyone else. Once they arrived we sat down to eat. I had a crab cake sandwich that was really good, and apparently I was really hungry because I practically inhaled it.
Ashton was freezing because she had worn a short dress with no tights and heels and a somewhat light coat not thinking that she was going to have to walk so far to get from her hotel or wherever she was to the pub, so after dinner we went back to her hotel so she could change and be warmer the rest of the evening. She put on a scarf and a warmer coat, and we headed out again. This time I got to spend some QT with Phoebe, because we were both walking kind of fast, and Ashton and Ryan were walking a little slower (by this point Bilal had split which was kind of a shame because I had enjoyed hanging out with him. It made me sad that we had never been closer while at EC, but I told him I would find him on facebook, and he said that we should all get together again soon). We went to Starbucks because Ashton wanted coffee, and then Ashton and Phoebe decided that they were going to join Ashton’s coworkers at some club (Ryan had to get back to wherever he was staying because he had to work in the morning, and I had to catch the 10:11 train so that I didn’t get home at some crazy hour and my mom could come pick me up. I dropped Ashton and Phoebe off at the hotel where Ashton was staying so that they could meet up with Ashton’s coworkers, and then headed on my way to Penn Station (this was at like 9:30 PM).
I walked up to the corner of 7th avenue and W. 40th street and tried to hail a cab. The first thing that came my way and actually stopped was one of those bicycle taxis (you know, those bicycles that have like chariots attached to the back of them?? Yeah, one of those…LOL). The guy on the bicycle asked me where I was going and I told him Penn Station (Ok, it was cold, and I honestly really wanted a real cab even though I was only going like 6 blocks, but anyway…). I asked him how much it was and he told me 8 dollars. I’m not really sure whether it would have cost more to take an actual cab or not, but I figured this guy offered to give me a ride and I was tired and cold so it probably would not have been a good idea to turn him down. It was definitely an interesting experience; not as warm as I would have liked for it to be, and REALLY bumpy…probably the bumpiest ride I’ve ever had in NYC. I got to Penn Station with plenty of time, so I bought myself a book and sat down to read for a little while before the track for my train was posted.
When I finally went to get on the train, I realized that a girl that I went to middle school and high school with was walking next to me (someone that I knew and was friendly with, but was never really friends with). She got to the bottom of the stairs before I did, and when I got to the bottom she recognized me and said hi. We ended up talking the whole way back to Maplewood. It was fun. I always find it interesting to see people that I went to school with when I was younger, especially now, because I really didn’t keep in touch with that many people after high school. I had a huge falling out with a lot of people in my friend group around prom time senior year, and then we all went off to college (most of them at Rutgers), and we just didn’t really keep in touch.
I think that’s all for now. More soon.
Emily
Friday, February 12, 2010
Getting Sick and Tired of Living at Home
Part of me feels like this entry is long overdue, because I have been sick and tired of living at home for a while now. However, there's another part of me that feels like I really shouldn't be complaining about this at all (and still another part of me feels like I'm going to look back at this entry and think it's stupid someday, and I feel like I say that about everything I complain about, but most of the time it's true). Before I go any further, let me just say that I know my mom has been suffering / going through a difficult time lately, but still. It seems like the littlest things are setting her off / making her angry, even more so than before, like the way it was when John was alive and going back and forth between living here (aka my house, where I live with my mom and Ben) and his mom's house. I feel like I can't say anything or do anything right in her eyes. I feel like it has always been this way, but now it's just worse. I don't really think that there's anything I can do about it, either. So for now until I go to school in the fall, I just kind of have to grin and bear it. I have to really think about what's worth fighting about and what's not, and the ways in which I talk and react to her.
There's a quote from the movie Bambi that I feel like I really need to remember right now: "If you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all" .
I know this was short, but I feel like that's really all I wanted to say for the moment. More soon.
--Emily
There's a quote from the movie Bambi that I feel like I really need to remember right now: "If you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all" .
I know this was short, but I feel like that's really all I wanted to say for the moment. More soon.
--Emily
Saturday, February 6, 2010
New York City and New Friends :D
Today was fun!! I went into the city with my mom and Ben because one of Ben's friends from camp was having his birthday party at the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square. The party started at 11:30 AM, but we took a 10:00 AM train, and got into the city at 10:47 (super early :D). We went to the Hard Rock Cafe and just hung out and looked around the store and then went downstairs to right outside the actual restaurant part, where they have all kinds of rock memorabilia. Literally the first thing you see when you go down the stairs is a huge picture of the Beatles (my favorite band of all time) with four outfits that they must have worn at one point, and four red TWA (the airlines) bags with their names on them. I didn't bring my camera, but I took pictures with my phone. Maybe I'll see if I can e-mail them to myself and then maybe I'll post them here. Anyway, Mom and I waited with Ben until his friends arrived, and then we went to meet my aunt and cousin for lunch. We met them at Sarabeth's (E. 92nd and Madison, I think) but it was pretty crowded, so we decided not to stay. There was a cute little french bistro across the street called Pascalou (I think that's how you spell it) so we decided to go there instead. I had a hot chocolate (which was actually not very good) and a Croque Monsieur (sp.?) which is just a grilled swiss cheese and ham sandwich. It was pretty good. Afterwards, we went to a store called Blue Tree (I think). They had jewelry, clothing and houseware stuff (i.e. funky vases, salt and pepper shakers, pillows, comforters, etc), which was all really pretty, but really expensive, so we decided before we went there that it was just going to be a "museum".
Mom had told me about a nail salon that said aunt had told her about and where she (my mom) had gone once with one of her friends, and she had been promising me that we could go there for a while, so she made appointments the other day, and after Blue Tree we said goodbye to my aunt and cousin and went there. The place was on E. 90th between Lexington and Park, so we just walked. The manicures were very relaxing, and took about 40 minutes (waaay longer than any manicure I've ever gotten, but it was sooo worth it). A lot of the ladies in the nail salon spoke Spanish / were from Mexico. I was talking with the lady who was doing my nails, and her accent sounded Latin American to me, so I asked her where she was from and she said Mexico. I don't remember exactly where in Mexico she said she was from, but I told her that I had spent a semester study abroad in Mexico (Cuautla, in the state of Morelos, to be exact, but if you're reading this and you know me, then you probably already knew that) and she said that she has a sister-in-law who lives in Cuautla. I think she said her sister in law lives in Colonia del Hospital. I'm not exactly sure where that is, but I told her my host family lived in Colonia Plan de Ayala, and she seemed to have at least heard of that. We were talking in spanish for a while, which made me happy. Any chance I get to speak spanish nowadays is always good. Speaking spanish is definitely a skill that I never want to lose. I feel like my knowledge of spanish has kind of decreased / there are things I don't remember / it takes me longer to remember things that I know this past year since I graduated from EC. I really hope that when I go to school in the fall I can get a field placement somewhere where spanish is spoken a lot, or maybe just take a spanish class or something like that. I really need to keep up with it if I don't want to lose it.
Anyway, back to the topic of this entry (in case you couldn't tell, I love to side-track...LOL). After our manicures we took a cab back to the Hard Rock Cafe to pick up Ben. When we went to drop Ben off, Mom promised us each that we could get something from the store before we left. I found a really cute hat and a duffel bag that I wanted, so mom paid for the duffel bag and I paid for the hat. Ben got a sweatshirt, and Mom got bracelets. The girl who was ringing us up was really cute and she looked young and she had an accent that sounded British to me (FYI: anything with 2 legs and an accent = LOVE, but it has to be a certain kind of accent, i.e. British, Scottish, Irish, Australian, South African, or Spanish / Mexican. I don't like French, Haitian, German, or Russian...i.e. accents where if they are really thick I can't understand what you are saying) so I asked her where she was from and she said England. She had said something about just singing with her boyfriend while he played the guitar before coming to work, and then she mentioned that she just joined a band recently, and they were going to be doing a gig in NJ sometime in the near future and she gave me her name (she has a facebook profile and she told me to look her up) and the url for the band's website. If any of you want to check it out, it's www.hotmess411.com. Ummm...in short, I LOVE NYC because of it's crazy awesome diversity, and I can't wait to live there in the fall!!! :D As of right now I'm still waiting to hear from Hunter and NYU, but hopefully I'll hear from them soon and can make my decision as to where I want to go. Either way, I will be in NYC, I just want to hear already so I can make my decision and start finding out where I'm gonna live and what classes I'm gonna take in the fall. I'm actually starting to kind of miss school, now that I have almost nothing to do (I quit my job at Arturo's--finally--yesterday. I had known that I wanted to for several weeks now, but couldn't get up the motivation / energy to actually do it since John passed away).
Ok...I guess that's all for now. More soon.
--Emily
Mom had told me about a nail salon that said aunt had told her about and where she (my mom) had gone once with one of her friends, and she had been promising me that we could go there for a while, so she made appointments the other day, and after Blue Tree we said goodbye to my aunt and cousin and went there. The place was on E. 90th between Lexington and Park, so we just walked. The manicures were very relaxing, and took about 40 minutes (waaay longer than any manicure I've ever gotten, but it was sooo worth it). A lot of the ladies in the nail salon spoke Spanish / were from Mexico. I was talking with the lady who was doing my nails, and her accent sounded Latin American to me, so I asked her where she was from and she said Mexico. I don't remember exactly where in Mexico she said she was from, but I told her that I had spent a semester study abroad in Mexico (Cuautla, in the state of Morelos, to be exact, but if you're reading this and you know me, then you probably already knew that) and she said that she has a sister-in-law who lives in Cuautla. I think she said her sister in law lives in Colonia del Hospital. I'm not exactly sure where that is, but I told her my host family lived in Colonia Plan de Ayala, and she seemed to have at least heard of that. We were talking in spanish for a while, which made me happy. Any chance I get to speak spanish nowadays is always good. Speaking spanish is definitely a skill that I never want to lose. I feel like my knowledge of spanish has kind of decreased / there are things I don't remember / it takes me longer to remember things that I know this past year since I graduated from EC. I really hope that when I go to school in the fall I can get a field placement somewhere where spanish is spoken a lot, or maybe just take a spanish class or something like that. I really need to keep up with it if I don't want to lose it.
Anyway, back to the topic of this entry (in case you couldn't tell, I love to side-track...LOL). After our manicures we took a cab back to the Hard Rock Cafe to pick up Ben. When we went to drop Ben off, Mom promised us each that we could get something from the store before we left. I found a really cute hat and a duffel bag that I wanted, so mom paid for the duffel bag and I paid for the hat. Ben got a sweatshirt, and Mom got bracelets. The girl who was ringing us up was really cute and she looked young and she had an accent that sounded British to me (FYI: anything with 2 legs and an accent = LOVE, but it has to be a certain kind of accent, i.e. British, Scottish, Irish, Australian, South African, or Spanish / Mexican. I don't like French, Haitian, German, or Russian...i.e. accents where if they are really thick I can't understand what you are saying) so I asked her where she was from and she said England. She had said something about just singing with her boyfriend while he played the guitar before coming to work, and then she mentioned that she just joined a band recently, and they were going to be doing a gig in NJ sometime in the near future and she gave me her name (she has a facebook profile and she told me to look her up) and the url for the band's website. If any of you want to check it out, it's www.hotmess411.com. Ummm...in short, I LOVE NYC because of it's crazy awesome diversity, and I can't wait to live there in the fall!!! :D As of right now I'm still waiting to hear from Hunter and NYU, but hopefully I'll hear from them soon and can make my decision as to where I want to go. Either way, I will be in NYC, I just want to hear already so I can make my decision and start finding out where I'm gonna live and what classes I'm gonna take in the fall. I'm actually starting to kind of miss school, now that I have almost nothing to do (I quit my job at Arturo's--finally--yesterday. I had known that I wanted to for several weeks now, but couldn't get up the motivation / energy to actually do it since John passed away).
Ok...I guess that's all for now. More soon.
--Emily
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Two things...
So...there are 2 main things that have been on my mind recently: Jobs (for right now and the summer), and something else that I'm not quite sure how to put, so I am just going to try to conduct a poll about it (not sure how helpful that will be because I'm not really sure how many people actually read this...but it can't hurt to try, right??). Ok...here goes: How many of you would want to talk to / be friends with / hang out with someone who always said "whatever" whenever you tried to talk to them? I don't mean like you ask them a question or tell them something and then they just say "whatever" and that's it. I mean you are trying to have a conversation with them / tell them something / ask them a question and they always say "whatever whatever whatever" even while you are still talking, like they don't want to talk to you / want you to shut up / think they know what you are going to say / don't even want to hear your voice. The reason I am asking this is because my mom does it to me all the time. If you know my mom, it's not one of the things she does in public, really, or when my friends are around...just when we are together and alone (It's like Vienna on the Bachelor, if any of you watch that: the way she acts when she's just in the house with the girls is different from the way she acts when she's around Jake. Mostly, she's a b*tch when she's around the girls...although some of the things she says when she's just with Jake make me want to shoot her as well...but that's just me). It makes me want to shut down and not talk to her. Also, it makes me feel like she doesn't want to hear what I have to say about anything...ever. It just makes me...GRR. In case you couldn't tell, I'm trying to say that she's done this all along...not just since John was sick / passed away. ::SHRUG:: I'm just not really sure what to do about it.
Oh! Before I completely forget, I mentioned my huge breakdown at the pizza place last wednesday in last friday's entry (not the one from this previous friday...the one from the 22nd) and thought I should further enlighten the people who read this before I continue to talk about job related stuff. So last wednesday I worked the longest night I have worked so far at the pizza place (from 5 PM to like 11 PM...I feel bad because I was so upset by the time I left that I forgot to sign out and now I can't really remember what time I actually got off. I feel like it's not that big a deal but still). I was worried about John because I feel like somewhere I had a feeling that he was going to die soon, but I had wanted to go to work so that I could be busy and not have to think about it. By the end of the night I was already sooo ready to go home and then they had me do all kinds of closing cleaning stuff that I had never done before basically all by myself (i.e. putting chairs on top of tables, sweeping, mopping, taking chairs back down, etc.). It wasn't so much the fact that it was hard / stuff I could not do...it was more that I was tired, and I was the only one doing it. I had been planning on telling my boss about what was going on with John anyway before I left for the evening, but my back was killing me from putting all the chairs on top of the tables and then taking most of them back down again (and apparently doing it in a way that was making it harder for myself, according to my boss, although no one had told me that there was an easier way to do it). Fortunately, my boss saw that I had been struggling (towards the end) and came over to show me the easier way to do it. That was when I kind of broke down, and he asked me what was wrong and I told him about John. He was like "You didn't have to come into work tonight" and I explained that I'd rather have been there and been busy than been at home and he was like "why don't we take you off the schedule for sunday (the 24th--the day John died) and then just not put you on the schedule for next week (aka this past week). You can come in to get your tips any time you want and then we will discuss where we are going from here (aka if I'm going back to work there or not, although he didn't actually say that...BTDubs the answer is no). I just haven't been able to motivate myself to drag my ass in there and talk to him about this. ::SHRUG::
On a related note I have been looking for other jobs, but to no avail. I really wanted to talk about summer job possibilities tonight, but I'm kind of tired, so I think I'll just go and save that for another entry.
More soon.
--Emily
Oh! Before I completely forget, I mentioned my huge breakdown at the pizza place last wednesday in last friday's entry (not the one from this previous friday...the one from the 22nd) and thought I should further enlighten the people who read this before I continue to talk about job related stuff. So last wednesday I worked the longest night I have worked so far at the pizza place (from 5 PM to like 11 PM...I feel bad because I was so upset by the time I left that I forgot to sign out and now I can't really remember what time I actually got off. I feel like it's not that big a deal but still). I was worried about John because I feel like somewhere I had a feeling that he was going to die soon, but I had wanted to go to work so that I could be busy and not have to think about it. By the end of the night I was already sooo ready to go home and then they had me do all kinds of closing cleaning stuff that I had never done before basically all by myself (i.e. putting chairs on top of tables, sweeping, mopping, taking chairs back down, etc.). It wasn't so much the fact that it was hard / stuff I could not do...it was more that I was tired, and I was the only one doing it. I had been planning on telling my boss about what was going on with John anyway before I left for the evening, but my back was killing me from putting all the chairs on top of the tables and then taking most of them back down again (and apparently doing it in a way that was making it harder for myself, according to my boss, although no one had told me that there was an easier way to do it). Fortunately, my boss saw that I had been struggling (towards the end) and came over to show me the easier way to do it. That was when I kind of broke down, and he asked me what was wrong and I told him about John. He was like "You didn't have to come into work tonight" and I explained that I'd rather have been there and been busy than been at home and he was like "why don't we take you off the schedule for sunday (the 24th--the day John died) and then just not put you on the schedule for next week (aka this past week). You can come in to get your tips any time you want and then we will discuss where we are going from here (aka if I'm going back to work there or not, although he didn't actually say that...BTDubs the answer is no). I just haven't been able to motivate myself to drag my ass in there and talk to him about this. ::SHRUG::
On a related note I have been looking for other jobs, but to no avail. I really wanted to talk about summer job possibilities tonight, but I'm kind of tired, so I think I'll just go and save that for another entry.
More soon.
--Emily
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Past Couple Days...
So...to recap the past couple days: wednesday was John's funeral, yesterday I went to work with my mom and we had shiva here at my house from 6-8 PM, and today my mom and I did errands, and then we all went to temple at 7:30 PM.
The funeral was, in one word, horrible. It was at the church where John's mom is a parishioner (that's the word for someone who attends church services, right?? I feel like that sounds right, but I'm not sure. If you're Jewish and you go to temple, we say you're a "member of the congregation"...that's all I know) and the priest was like Haitian or Ugandan or something and had the heaviest accent that no one in my family could really understand. Before the service even started one of John's sisters came over to my mom to apologize about the whole name thing in the obituary that John's family had written for him. I just don't understand how my mom and John could have been married for 12 years and no one in his family knew that my mom had changed her name. ::SHRUG:: Go figure. Anyway, the priest hardly knew John (he had only met him like twice) and spent his whole speech referring directly to John's mom and sisters, and then just giving a generic list of all the other people in John's life at the end. Also, he kept switching back and forth between talking about John the Apostle and John Lutz and it was hard to tell when he was talking about which. I think my uncle and one of the women who had cared for my grandma went up to him and complained, because after the service he came over and apologized to me, my mom and Ben. The reception was at a nice Italian restaurant near where John's mom lives called Bensi. The food was really good, and they pretty much closed the whole place down for us, which was nice. After the funeral my aunts came back with us for a little while before they went back to the city.
In case the people who read this didn't know, I LOVE preschoolers, especially 4 year olds. It's soo much fun to go into work with my mom because she's an assistant teacher in a preschool with a 4 year old class. This whole week they had been learning about Israel. On tuesday the kids got to go to the desert (in Eilat, I believe) and make necklaces and go fishing on the coast and have a sandstorm with a parachute. The lady who teaches drama (and is friends with my mom) was all dressed up in Israeli desert woman's clothing (sunglasses, head-covering, long skirt, etc.). She also had a paper camel attached to 2 chairs, and was explaining to the kids that people in the desert don't have cars, so their kids ride to school on camels. It was funny because some of the kids recognized her and were calling her by her name. :D Yesterday was their last day in Israel and they got to eat falafel and hummus on pita, sing songs (it is sooo cute to see and hear them sing, that I am literally brought to tears every time...not kidding), and then board the "plane" (which was just a bunch of seats in a tiny chapel in the mansion of the temple) back to New Jersey. While were on the "plane" we watched a "video" (which was actually a slide show of photos that had been taken throughout the whole week). It was cute to see their reactions to seeing themselves in the pictures, because they would laugh and scream when they saw themselves. There were actually several pictures of me in the slide show, because I helped with the parachute sandstorm on tuesday, so that was fun to see.
For shiva literally ALL of the women that my mom works with at the preschool showed up, in addition to some of my friends, two of Ben's teachers, my aunts, one of my mom's cousins, two of the guys that worked with John, one of John's friends that he had known since 3rd grade, some of our neighbors and several of my mom's other friends. Almost everyone brought some kind of food, so we now have enough stuff to last us for at least the month of february.
Temple was good tonight. A lot of the music is different from what I remember growing up, but the words are all still the same so it didn't really matter. The rabbi said John's name before the mourner's kaddish and we (mom, Ben, and I) stood up. It was interesting because I knew it was coming, but I still cried a little when his name was read.
Not much else is going on here...but before I completely forget, I wanted to give you the url for the other obituary that my aunts wrote for John and put in the paper the day after the one that his mom wrote:
http://obits.nj.com/obituaries/starledger/obituary.aspx?n=john-l-lutz&pid=138983924
Most of it is pretty much the same, but my mom's name is changed from Kaplan to Lutz (as was done 12 years ago, but like I said no one in his family seemed to notice...::SHRUG::), and I think it just puts us in a more favorable light instead of having all the focus be on his mom and sisters.
Ummm...I think that's all for now. More soon.
--Emily
The funeral was, in one word, horrible. It was at the church where John's mom is a parishioner (that's the word for someone who attends church services, right?? I feel like that sounds right, but I'm not sure. If you're Jewish and you go to temple, we say you're a "member of the congregation"...that's all I know) and the priest was like Haitian or Ugandan or something and had the heaviest accent that no one in my family could really understand. Before the service even started one of John's sisters came over to my mom to apologize about the whole name thing in the obituary that John's family had written for him. I just don't understand how my mom and John could have been married for 12 years and no one in his family knew that my mom had changed her name. ::SHRUG:: Go figure. Anyway, the priest hardly knew John (he had only met him like twice) and spent his whole speech referring directly to John's mom and sisters, and then just giving a generic list of all the other people in John's life at the end. Also, he kept switching back and forth between talking about John the Apostle and John Lutz and it was hard to tell when he was talking about which. I think my uncle and one of the women who had cared for my grandma went up to him and complained, because after the service he came over and apologized to me, my mom and Ben. The reception was at a nice Italian restaurant near where John's mom lives called Bensi. The food was really good, and they pretty much closed the whole place down for us, which was nice. After the funeral my aunts came back with us for a little while before they went back to the city.
In case the people who read this didn't know, I LOVE preschoolers, especially 4 year olds. It's soo much fun to go into work with my mom because she's an assistant teacher in a preschool with a 4 year old class. This whole week they had been learning about Israel. On tuesday the kids got to go to the desert (in Eilat, I believe) and make necklaces and go fishing on the coast and have a sandstorm with a parachute. The lady who teaches drama (and is friends with my mom) was all dressed up in Israeli desert woman's clothing (sunglasses, head-covering, long skirt, etc.). She also had a paper camel attached to 2 chairs, and was explaining to the kids that people in the desert don't have cars, so their kids ride to school on camels. It was funny because some of the kids recognized her and were calling her by her name. :D Yesterday was their last day in Israel and they got to eat falafel and hummus on pita, sing songs (it is sooo cute to see and hear them sing, that I am literally brought to tears every time...not kidding), and then board the "plane" (which was just a bunch of seats in a tiny chapel in the mansion of the temple) back to New Jersey. While were on the "plane" we watched a "video" (which was actually a slide show of photos that had been taken throughout the whole week). It was cute to see their reactions to seeing themselves in the pictures, because they would laugh and scream when they saw themselves. There were actually several pictures of me in the slide show, because I helped with the parachute sandstorm on tuesday, so that was fun to see.
For shiva literally ALL of the women that my mom works with at the preschool showed up, in addition to some of my friends, two of Ben's teachers, my aunts, one of my mom's cousins, two of the guys that worked with John, one of John's friends that he had known since 3rd grade, some of our neighbors and several of my mom's other friends. Almost everyone brought some kind of food, so we now have enough stuff to last us for at least the month of february.
Temple was good tonight. A lot of the music is different from what I remember growing up, but the words are all still the same so it didn't really matter. The rabbi said John's name before the mourner's kaddish and we (mom, Ben, and I) stood up. It was interesting because I knew it was coming, but I still cried a little when his name was read.
Not much else is going on here...but before I completely forget, I wanted to give you the url for the other obituary that my aunts wrote for John and put in the paper the day after the one that his mom wrote:
http://obits.nj.com/obituaries/starledger/obituary.aspx?n=john-l-lutz&pid=138983924
Most of it is pretty much the same, but my mom's name is changed from Kaplan to Lutz (as was done 12 years ago, but like I said no one in his family seemed to notice...::SHRUG::), and I think it just puts us in a more favorable light instead of having all the focus be on his mom and sisters.
Ummm...I think that's all for now. More soon.
--Emily
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
SO not sure what to call this entry right now. Basically, here is the url (I tried to make it a link, but for some reason it did not show up ::SHRUG::) for the obituary that John's mom wrote and put in the Star-Ledger (which is one of the main NJ papers). I have a print copy of it myself...but the only reason I really wanted the people that read this to read it is because it is so RIDICULOUS.
http://obits.nj.com/obituaries/starledger/obituary.aspx?n=john-l-lutz&pid=138952264
That is really all I wanted to say for right now. I have no more words at the moment (aka I'm speechless). More soon (but probably not until friday or saturday).
--Emily
http://obits.nj.com/obituaries/starledger/obituary.aspx?n=john-l-lutz&pid=138952264
That is really all I wanted to say for right now. I have no more words at the moment (aka I'm speechless). More soon (but probably not until friday or saturday).
--Emily
Monday, January 25, 2010
A Speech (sp.?) for John...and other things
As promised, here is the speech (sp.?) that I wrote and was going to say at the reception after John's funeral (which is on wednesday, btdubs), but decided not to after MA so rudely told my mom that what she wrote and was going to say was "too personal". ::SHRUG::
I will always remember the first time I met John. My mom brought him home after one of their dates, and though I don't remember exactly what happened, I remember laying on the floor and knives being involved somehow. I remember being scared, but at the same time trusting this strange man that I had just met. After he married my mom, it took me a while to adjust to the fact that he was living with us, but eventually I did. The one thing that we really bonded over was our mutual love of animals. I know that going to my aunt Judy's house in Mt. Kisco or watching shows on Animal Planet or the Discovery Channel will not be the same without him.
When I went to see him with my mom for the last time on sunday (after he had passed away) I wanted to tell him that I loved him one last time, and I was working up the courage to do so, but when I saw him I was too scared to say anything. I wanted to kiss him on the cheek, but I ended up getting him half on his cheek and half on his lips. I can't really think of any way to end this, except to say: I love you, man.
And now a poem that I wrote for him one father's day:
J is for Just being there for me when I need someone to talk to, to get away from the bad things in my life.
O is for Open which I feel I can be with you, maybe more than anyone else.
H is for Helicopters which you love to build.
N is for No one else but you could be my step-dad.
I don't really know what else to say now. I should really go to sleep because I am going in to work (at the preschool) with my mom tomorrow because I'd rather be out of the house and busy (at least for part of the day if I am not going to be working any of my own jobs) than be sitting at home doing nothing and being upset about John. I will write more (and hopefully about happier things) soon.
--Emily
I will always remember the first time I met John. My mom brought him home after one of their dates, and though I don't remember exactly what happened, I remember laying on the floor and knives being involved somehow. I remember being scared, but at the same time trusting this strange man that I had just met. After he married my mom, it took me a while to adjust to the fact that he was living with us, but eventually I did. The one thing that we really bonded over was our mutual love of animals. I know that going to my aunt Judy's house in Mt. Kisco or watching shows on Animal Planet or the Discovery Channel will not be the same without him.
When I went to see him with my mom for the last time on sunday (after he had passed away) I wanted to tell him that I loved him one last time, and I was working up the courage to do so, but when I saw him I was too scared to say anything. I wanted to kiss him on the cheek, but I ended up getting him half on his cheek and half on his lips. I can't really think of any way to end this, except to say: I love you, man.
And now a poem that I wrote for him one father's day:
J is for Just being there for me when I need someone to talk to, to get away from the bad things in my life.
O is for Open which I feel I can be with you, maybe more than anyone else.
H is for Helicopters which you love to build.
N is for No one else but you could be my step-dad.
I don't really know what else to say now. I should really go to sleep because I am going in to work (at the preschool) with my mom tomorrow because I'd rather be out of the house and busy (at least for part of the day if I am not going to be working any of my own jobs) than be sitting at home doing nothing and being upset about John. I will write more (and hopefully about happier things) soon.
--Emily
Because I feel like I need to update...
I wasn't really sure what to call this post. The past couple days have been CRAZY (well...mostly just yesterday and today...but still...). You know how I posted several weeks ago (1 / 8 to be exact) about how my step-dad (John) was diagnosed with lung cancer towards the end of 2008? I don't think I mentioned that he had been in and out of the hospital...but he had. Anyway...then I posted again last week about how he only had between 2 weeks and a month left, and the cancer had spread all over.
The moral of the story (and I'm sorry to those of you who read this and didn't know yet that this is how you have to find out): John died yesterday.
I'm not really sure what to say next / how to proceed with this entry from here. There has been a lot of fighting going on between my mom and John's mom recently (and just tonight one of his sisters kind of got involved with it too). For a while John's mom felt that my mom wasn't doing a very good job taking care of John, and they were trading back and forth (i.e. when he was not in the hospital or at the hospice center, he was either here at my / my mom's house or at his mom's house...when he was at his mom's house my mom was still kind of caring for him i.e. bringing him medicine when he needed it / going to stay with him once when his mom had a doctor's appointment and didn't want to leave John alone...but that's kind of a different story). After a while things settled down because John got kind of demanding and couldn't get up stairs anymore, so his mom found it hard to take care of him as well. More recently, however (and this started even before John passed away) my mom and John's mom have been fighting about arrangements for the funeral (i.e. payment / what kind of service to have, etc.). My mom and I looked up average funeral costs online one night and found that they are approximately $9,000 ($8,900 to be exact), so we figured that between my mom, John's mom, and his three sisters (aka 5 people) that they could each pay $1,800 and that would cover it. I don't know exactly what happened after that, but for some reason I feel that my mom told John's mom about the whole money thing and for whatever reason she wasn't happy with it. My mom seemed to think that if she had given John's mom a check for $9,000 dollars that she would have been her best friend. When we went to visit John on friday, his mom did not even acknowledge mine. Her husband (John's step-dad, Dick) was very nice and he came over to talk to me and my mom, but John's mom just walked right past mine without even saying anything.
I'm gonna side-track for a second: The people who read this know that yes, parts of my family (on my mom's side) are pretty rich (My one uncle who was big in the stock market and now has all kinds of animals on this HUGE property in Mt. Kisco, NY, and my other uncle who was on 20 / 20 on ABC and now has his own show on Fox Business Network). However, both of these uncles married into the family. My mom did not get so lucky. Yes, my dad was an eye doctor, and had more than enough to support himself and then a little more (he wasn't really rich, tho...and I'm not complaining). My parents got divorced when I was young and then my mom married John, who was by no means rich. He grew up on a farm in NJ and worked with his father's welding business for a while. He went to college, but I don't remember if he graduated or not. He was on the rescue squad for a while and did various jobs with welding and in dental labs and stuff before he started his trike business. The trike business did him well for a while, but suffered during the recession, and was never really able to get back on it's feet before John got sick. The moral of this story is that John was not made of money and left my mom in debt for various reasons that I don't really feel like going into here and now certain members of his family are expecting my mom to do god knows what (aka pay for the entire funeral, among other things). Honestly...this is the last thing that my mom needs now. I don't know what else to say.
When we went to the hospice center to visit John for the last time (yesterday...after he had already passed away) My mom and I were going around and hugging everyone (his mom, his aunts, his cousin. etc.) and when we got to his mom she said that john loved me very much and mentioned how much I helped him, but she did not say anything to my mom. I told my mom afterwards that she was acting like a 2 year old...and later she said "not even that...she was acting like a 1 year old", so I was joking and saying that because she's 70 years old in real life, if you were to subtract 68 or 69 from that, that's how old she really is (and I thought that was funny of course because of '69'...ok I said it I'll get my mind out of the gutter now...LOL). It's just "very bizarre" as my best friend from home put it. There's not much else I can say about that.
In other related news, one of John's sisters (I'll call her PB) called me on my cell phone today to tell me that there was an open slot if I wanted to read something from the bible. She also said that if I wanted to say something at the reception after the funeral that I could do that too. I told her that I had something written, and I would feel more comfortable saying it at the reception. Later, one of John's other sisters (whom I'm going to call MA) called my mom and it seemed like the conversation started off innocently enough (I heard my mom asking about catholic funerals and what the normal procedures for saying things were...then she read MA what she had written, which apparently wasn't good according to MA, although I had written it and it seemed appropriate to me...my best friend from home said that usually not even the family says anything at catholic funerals and they are more like mass services, but I still think it would have / could have / should have been appropriate for my mom to read what she had written at the reception after the funeral) but then MA must have told my mom to stop yelling at her because I heard her say what she always tells me and Ben when we tell her to stop yelling at her ("You want me to yell at you? THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN I YELL AT YOU!!!"). I don't remember where exactly I was going with this...except to say that I don't really want to say what I wrote either now. I wrote it for me, I have it for me to put in my scrapbook (and post here in a bit, and maybe read at the shiva we are going to have at my house on thursday) and it doesn't really matter to me whether John's family gets to hear it or not at this point. ::SHRUG:: Right now I really just want to post some song lyrics (of several songs that John loved and that make me think of him. These are all Fleetwood Mac songs, btdubs. Fleetwood Mac was one of his favorite bands and one that we listened to a lot together, especially when we were driving in his PT Cruiser):
Don’t Stop (The reason why this song relates is kind of sad because in addition to it being one that we would listen to a lot together, it kind of makes me think about how John was the last couple weeks that he was alive, because he didn't really know what was going on since the cancer had gone to his brain and affected his short term memory, so like he kept asking if / when he could come home or go to his mom's or stuff like that. In other words, he was always thinking about what was going to happen in the future, as if he was going to get through this, which I guess in a way was good, but it's sad to think about now).
If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.
Don't stop,
thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop,
It'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things that you've done,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.
Don't stop,
thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop,
It'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
[Instrumental]
All I want is to see you smile,
If it takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any harm to you.
Don't stop,
thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop,
it'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Don't stop,
thinking about tomorrow
Don't stop,
it'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
(Oooooh) Don't you look back,
(Oooooh) Don't you look back
(Oooooh) Don't you look back....FADES OUT
Go Your Own Way
Loving you
Is it the right thing to do?
How can I ever change things
That I feel?
If I could
Maybe I'd give you my world
How can I
When you won't take it from me
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way
Tell me why
Everything turned around
Packing up
Shacking up's all you wanna do
If I could
Baby I'd give you my world
Open up
Everything's waiting for you
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
go your own way
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way...
Call it another lonely day...
you can go your own way...
Say You Will
Somethin' in you brought out somethin' in me, that I've never been since
That part of me that was only for you,
That kind of romance
Comes only once, that kind of love
That kind of fever dance
That you love because you become someone else in an instant
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance
At least give me time to change your mind
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Somethin' in you put a hold on my heart
It's hard to believe now
Here in the place that will never be dark
I remember that place...
That kind of touch, electricity of love
That certain kind of grace
That you love because you become someone else in an instant
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance
At least give me time to change your mind
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance (say you will)
At least give me time to change your mind (say you will)
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance (say you will)
At least give me time to change your mind (say you will)
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance (say you will)
At least give me time to change your mind (say you will)
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance (say you will)
At least give me time to change your mind (say you will)
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance
At least give me time to change your mind
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
What's The World Coming To
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
Everyone's gone to the moon
What's the world coming to?
Every night, every day
In this house filled with shame
I can say I care
But there's no one there
There's no truth in my life
There's no light in my eyes
And it's all I guess
That I'll ever miss
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
Everyone's gone to the moon
What's the world coming to?
I can jump right off and fall right into the ocean
I can come right out and think just what I say
But if I don't call for a reservation
They'll just turn me down
Turn me inside out
I don't say what they want
I don't do what they say
So I'm on their list
So I'm gone, I guess
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
Everyone's gone to the moon
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
Everyone's gone to the moon
What's the world coming to?
I'm sorry that this is so long. I think I'm gonna put my speech (sp.?) in another entry that will follow shortly after I post this one. I guess that's all for now. I can't think of anything else to say.
--Emily
The moral of the story (and I'm sorry to those of you who read this and didn't know yet that this is how you have to find out): John died yesterday.
I'm not really sure what to say next / how to proceed with this entry from here. There has been a lot of fighting going on between my mom and John's mom recently (and just tonight one of his sisters kind of got involved with it too). For a while John's mom felt that my mom wasn't doing a very good job taking care of John, and they were trading back and forth (i.e. when he was not in the hospital or at the hospice center, he was either here at my / my mom's house or at his mom's house...when he was at his mom's house my mom was still kind of caring for him i.e. bringing him medicine when he needed it / going to stay with him once when his mom had a doctor's appointment and didn't want to leave John alone...but that's kind of a different story). After a while things settled down because John got kind of demanding and couldn't get up stairs anymore, so his mom found it hard to take care of him as well. More recently, however (and this started even before John passed away) my mom and John's mom have been fighting about arrangements for the funeral (i.e. payment / what kind of service to have, etc.). My mom and I looked up average funeral costs online one night and found that they are approximately $9,000 ($8,900 to be exact), so we figured that between my mom, John's mom, and his three sisters (aka 5 people) that they could each pay $1,800 and that would cover it. I don't know exactly what happened after that, but for some reason I feel that my mom told John's mom about the whole money thing and for whatever reason she wasn't happy with it. My mom seemed to think that if she had given John's mom a check for $9,000 dollars that she would have been her best friend. When we went to visit John on friday, his mom did not even acknowledge mine. Her husband (John's step-dad, Dick) was very nice and he came over to talk to me and my mom, but John's mom just walked right past mine without even saying anything.
I'm gonna side-track for a second: The people who read this know that yes, parts of my family (on my mom's side) are pretty rich (My one uncle who was big in the stock market and now has all kinds of animals on this HUGE property in Mt. Kisco, NY, and my other uncle who was on 20 / 20 on ABC and now has his own show on Fox Business Network). However, both of these uncles married into the family. My mom did not get so lucky. Yes, my dad was an eye doctor, and had more than enough to support himself and then a little more (he wasn't really rich, tho...and I'm not complaining). My parents got divorced when I was young and then my mom married John, who was by no means rich. He grew up on a farm in NJ and worked with his father's welding business for a while. He went to college, but I don't remember if he graduated or not. He was on the rescue squad for a while and did various jobs with welding and in dental labs and stuff before he started his trike business. The trike business did him well for a while, but suffered during the recession, and was never really able to get back on it's feet before John got sick. The moral of this story is that John was not made of money and left my mom in debt for various reasons that I don't really feel like going into here and now certain members of his family are expecting my mom to do god knows what (aka pay for the entire funeral, among other things). Honestly...this is the last thing that my mom needs now. I don't know what else to say.
When we went to the hospice center to visit John for the last time (yesterday...after he had already passed away) My mom and I were going around and hugging everyone (his mom, his aunts, his cousin. etc.) and when we got to his mom she said that john loved me very much and mentioned how much I helped him, but she did not say anything to my mom. I told my mom afterwards that she was acting like a 2 year old...and later she said "not even that...she was acting like a 1 year old", so I was joking and saying that because she's 70 years old in real life, if you were to subtract 68 or 69 from that, that's how old she really is (and I thought that was funny of course because of '69'...ok I said it I'll get my mind out of the gutter now...LOL). It's just "very bizarre" as my best friend from home put it. There's not much else I can say about that.
In other related news, one of John's sisters (I'll call her PB) called me on my cell phone today to tell me that there was an open slot if I wanted to read something from the bible. She also said that if I wanted to say something at the reception after the funeral that I could do that too. I told her that I had something written, and I would feel more comfortable saying it at the reception. Later, one of John's other sisters (whom I'm going to call MA) called my mom and it seemed like the conversation started off innocently enough (I heard my mom asking about catholic funerals and what the normal procedures for saying things were...then she read MA what she had written, which apparently wasn't good according to MA, although I had written it and it seemed appropriate to me...my best friend from home said that usually not even the family says anything at catholic funerals and they are more like mass services, but I still think it would have / could have / should have been appropriate for my mom to read what she had written at the reception after the funeral) but then MA must have told my mom to stop yelling at her because I heard her say what she always tells me and Ben when we tell her to stop yelling at her ("You want me to yell at you? THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN I YELL AT YOU!!!"). I don't remember where exactly I was going with this...except to say that I don't really want to say what I wrote either now. I wrote it for me, I have it for me to put in my scrapbook (and post here in a bit, and maybe read at the shiva we are going to have at my house on thursday) and it doesn't really matter to me whether John's family gets to hear it or not at this point. ::SHRUG:: Right now I really just want to post some song lyrics (of several songs that John loved and that make me think of him. These are all Fleetwood Mac songs, btdubs. Fleetwood Mac was one of his favorite bands and one that we listened to a lot together, especially when we were driving in his PT Cruiser):
Don’t Stop (The reason why this song relates is kind of sad because in addition to it being one that we would listen to a lot together, it kind of makes me think about how John was the last couple weeks that he was alive, because he didn't really know what was going on since the cancer had gone to his brain and affected his short term memory, so like he kept asking if / when he could come home or go to his mom's or stuff like that. In other words, he was always thinking about what was going to happen in the future, as if he was going to get through this, which I guess in a way was good, but it's sad to think about now).
If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.
Don't stop,
thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop,
It'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things that you've done,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.
Don't stop,
thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop,
It'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
[Instrumental]
All I want is to see you smile,
If it takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any harm to you.
Don't stop,
thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop,
it'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Don't stop,
thinking about tomorrow
Don't stop,
it'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
(Oooooh) Don't you look back,
(Oooooh) Don't you look back
(Oooooh) Don't you look back....FADES OUT
Go Your Own Way
Loving you
Is it the right thing to do?
How can I ever change things
That I feel?
If I could
Maybe I'd give you my world
How can I
When you won't take it from me
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way
Tell me why
Everything turned around
Packing up
Shacking up's all you wanna do
If I could
Baby I'd give you my world
Open up
Everything's waiting for you
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
go your own way
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way...
Call it another lonely day...
you can go your own way...
Say You Will
Somethin' in you brought out somethin' in me, that I've never been since
That part of me that was only for you,
That kind of romance
Comes only once, that kind of love
That kind of fever dance
That you love because you become someone else in an instant
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance
At least give me time to change your mind
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Somethin' in you put a hold on my heart
It's hard to believe now
Here in the place that will never be dark
I remember that place...
That kind of touch, electricity of love
That certain kind of grace
That you love because you become someone else in an instant
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance
At least give me time to change your mind
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance (say you will)
At least give me time to change your mind (say you will)
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance (say you will)
At least give me time to change your mind (say you will)
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance (say you will)
At least give me time to change your mind (say you will)
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance (say you will)
At least give me time to change your mind (say you will)
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance
At least give me time to change your mind
That always seems to heal the wounds, if I can
Get you to dance
What's The World Coming To
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
Everyone's gone to the moon
What's the world coming to?
Every night, every day
In this house filled with shame
I can say I care
But there's no one there
There's no truth in my life
There's no light in my eyes
And it's all I guess
That I'll ever miss
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
Everyone's gone to the moon
What's the world coming to?
I can jump right off and fall right into the ocean
I can come right out and think just what I say
But if I don't call for a reservation
They'll just turn me down
Turn me inside out
I don't say what they want
I don't do what they say
So I'm on their list
So I'm gone, I guess
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
Everyone's gone to the moon
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
What's the world coming to?
Everyone's gone to the moon
What's the world coming to?
I'm sorry that this is so long. I think I'm gonna put my speech (sp.?) in another entry that will follow shortly after I post this one. I guess that's all for now. I can't think of anything else to say.
--Emily
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