The title of this post is in reference to the song "Animal" by Neon Trees. I LOVE the Glee version, but this post doesn't really have anything to do with what the song is actually about. Rimshot has been messaging me on facebook chat again recently (we're talking as I type this, and I'm kind of distracted. I appologize in advance if I start going off on tangents). Again, the conversations have pretty much all been focused on sex, but this time drinking has been included (not that I have anything against it, but when paired with sex the consequences can be nasty). Part of me feels like maybe something is going on (why else would he want to talk to me like every day)...but there's another part of me that's like "he's just a guy and guys can be douches sometimes". Also, guys differ from girls in that they like to keep looking even when they have someone. I mean, I guess we do too sometimes, but I feel like men do it more. ::SHRUG::
To refer back to my previous entry on this topic, I think what I was trying to say when I said "guys like to brag sometimes about the sexual things they do with girls" was that guys think more about sex than us women do.
::SHRUG:: I'm sooooo distracted right now. Between trying to have a conversation with Rimshot, and trying to have one with my mom and brother in the next room and trying to write this post I can't concentrate. I will definitely come back and edit this later.
That's all for now.
--Emily
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
More Mother(board) Issues
Hi again. So this is the original post that I was thinking about posting in the first entry that I posted tonight, when I said that I was going to "re-post another post from a while ago that I also just re-read, and I feel is relevant to my life again". Sorry if that was confusing :P, but here are bits and pieces of the post:
I remember a while ago I was having a conversation with my best friend from home about my mom (I feel like that's a topic that kind of dominates our conversations...but it's a huge problem in my life because we pretty much don't see eye to eye on ANYTHING and things that I think would be easier / better to do usually aren't to her) and she said that I have to pick my fights. To quote her, she said:
"Your mom seems to pick a fight over everything and you can't change that, so you have to really really think about what you want to fight back about. If you don't think it's worth fighting about, then just don't fight back, even if that means you say "you're right" and move on. You have to find the words to say to shut down the argument, even if it's just a nod and an "ok". Ok doesn't mean you agree, it means you are listening. You have to try. You could even say "I don't want to argue about this." It might be trial and error, but you either argue with her or give her attitude when she picks a fight, or you do whatever you can to diffuse the situation, not both".
The reason why I brought this up is because I feel like this is the hardest thing for me to figure out, especially now, with what's going on with John (there have been some recent developments which I will talk about in a bit). In general I feel like I never know what to say / when to say it in certain situations with my mom. Because she picks a fight / makes a big deal about almost everything, it is hard to know what to say to her in general. I feel like, instinctively, when I am trying to defend myself my voice naturally rises. It's not something that I can usually detect / notice...but my mom tells me all the time that I am "raising my voice to her" or "giving her an attitude".
Today I learned that at least for right now, I should just do whatever my mom tells me to do no matter what, and don't question it / argue. We got into a huge fight because we went to get manicures and then I wanted to go to the post office to get something and my phone started to ring while I was there and I didn't want to mess up my nails and my mom was waiting for me, and I ended up missing the call (It was nothing really important anyway...just my cousin trying to call me because he's coming for dinner tonight) and messing up my nails and my mom offered to take me so they could get fixed but I knew she wanted to get home to be there for my brother when he got home, so I told her to just go home and that I wasn't getting out of the car and she basically told me that I was acting like a baby so I rushed out of the car and to the nail place and let them fix my nails but of course we continued to fight on the way home because I had picked a stupid thing to fight about in the first place. End of story. Again, I feel like this (at least this part of the entry) is one of those things that I am going to look back at and think that it was stupid. Because it WAS.
Basically, my mom and I have been fighting over REALLY STUPID things again lately. I guess because I thought that I wasn't going to have to go through this whole cancer thing again, I kind of forgot how to pick and choose what to fight about. I feel like this happens to me a lot. Something will happen that is not particularly enjoyable or pleasant, and I'll block it out of my mind, and then it will happen again in the future and I'll forget how I handled it / be stuck in the same position I was the first time it happened. I feel like I should be learning from my mistakes, but maybe the fact that they are surrounded by bad things that are happening makes them harder to learn from.
Again, I think that's all I wanted to say for right now. I'm kinda tired and should probably go to sleep as I have to go back to the city tomorrow and this week is going to be really busy. I have three words for you before I go, which I will elaborate on in a future entry: FLORIDA ON FRIDAY!!!!!!!! :D
More soon,
--Emily
I remember a while ago I was having a conversation with my best friend from home about my mom (I feel like that's a topic that kind of dominates our conversations...but it's a huge problem in my life because we pretty much don't see eye to eye on ANYTHING and things that I think would be easier / better to do usually aren't to her) and she said that I have to pick my fights. To quote her, she said:
"Your mom seems to pick a fight over everything and you can't change that, so you have to really really think about what you want to fight back about. If you don't think it's worth fighting about, then just don't fight back, even if that means you say "you're right" and move on. You have to find the words to say to shut down the argument, even if it's just a nod and an "ok". Ok doesn't mean you agree, it means you are listening. You have to try. You could even say "I don't want to argue about this." It might be trial and error, but you either argue with her or give her attitude when she picks a fight, or you do whatever you can to diffuse the situation, not both".
The reason why I brought this up is because I feel like this is the hardest thing for me to figure out, especially now, with what's going on with John (there have been some recent developments which I will talk about in a bit). In general I feel like I never know what to say / when to say it in certain situations with my mom. Because she picks a fight / makes a big deal about almost everything, it is hard to know what to say to her in general. I feel like, instinctively, when I am trying to defend myself my voice naturally rises. It's not something that I can usually detect / notice...but my mom tells me all the time that I am "raising my voice to her" or "giving her an attitude".
Today I learned that at least for right now, I should just do whatever my mom tells me to do no matter what, and don't question it / argue. We got into a huge fight because we went to get manicures and then I wanted to go to the post office to get something and my phone started to ring while I was there and I didn't want to mess up my nails and my mom was waiting for me, and I ended up missing the call (It was nothing really important anyway...just my cousin trying to call me because he's coming for dinner tonight) and messing up my nails and my mom offered to take me so they could get fixed but I knew she wanted to get home to be there for my brother when he got home, so I told her to just go home and that I wasn't getting out of the car and she basically told me that I was acting like a baby so I rushed out of the car and to the nail place and let them fix my nails but of course we continued to fight on the way home because I had picked a stupid thing to fight about in the first place. End of story. Again, I feel like this (at least this part of the entry) is one of those things that I am going to look back at and think that it was stupid. Because it WAS.
Basically, my mom and I have been fighting over REALLY STUPID things again lately. I guess because I thought that I wasn't going to have to go through this whole cancer thing again, I kind of forgot how to pick and choose what to fight about. I feel like this happens to me a lot. Something will happen that is not particularly enjoyable or pleasant, and I'll block it out of my mind, and then it will happen again in the future and I'll forget how I handled it / be stuck in the same position I was the first time it happened. I feel like I should be learning from my mistakes, but maybe the fact that they are surrounded by bad things that are happening makes them harder to learn from.
Again, I think that's all I wanted to say for right now. I'm kinda tired and should probably go to sleep as I have to go back to the city tomorrow and this week is going to be really busy. I have three words for you before I go, which I will elaborate on in a future entry: FLORIDA ON FRIDAY!!!!!!!! :D
More soon,
--Emily
Explanations (and questions) Part 2...
Here's another flashback entry, because I feel like it applies to my life again (this is not the one that I was intending to post when I first mentioned it in the previous entry...you'll get that one next). I've been looking through all my entries from about a year ago, and I feel like my life has gone in one complete circle:
I apologize in advance if this is boring or confusing. I'm still trying to get my thoughts together.
So...my mom always says that I don't have to explain the choices I make to her. She always says that the more I say, the worse it is (or the worse I make it?). I can't really give a specific example (and I know that's lame and vague, but I can't really help it) because there are too many times when this happens. I feel like I have to explain my choices to everyone else, but no one else seems to really mind except my mom. I understand that she's my mom and she should just love me no matter what choices I make and accept me and my choices no matter what (even if she doesn't think they are the right choices, although usually they are, and I'm not trying to brag or make it seem like I always make the right choices because I certainly do not. I am human, and I make mistakes just like everyone else. I'm sorry if it seems like I am being defensive. I'm probably apologizing too much. I'll stop now).
I'd like to think that because she's my mom it shouldn't matter to her how much I talk or explain or try to justify my choices (even though I know I shouldn't need to do that with her because she's my mom). I'd also like to think that more than anyone, she should be the one who just listens to me and doesn't try to shut me up or tell me that the more I say the worse it is. I feel like I've gotten so accustomed to explaining and justifying my choices to other people, that it's become a bad habit that I can't break now. I feel like it will be better when I go away to school again in the fall, and everything is pretty much back to normal, but part of me wishes that my mom would just listen to me. Here I go again not knowing what to say to her. When she does things like this it makes me feel like I can't talk to her about anything / I don't know what to say and what not to say / I don't know when it is appropriate to say certain things and when it's not appropriate. ::SHRUG:: I kind of want to fast forward through the next couple months and the summer, but I have several things to look forward to in the coming weeks (i.e. Passover and going to EC and Key West).
Ok, I think you can ignore the part about how "my mom always says that I don't have to explain the choices I make to her". I feel like that is not relevant now. There are several parts that I do think are relevant though. First of all, look at the line that says "I feel like it will be better when I go away to school again in the fall, and everything is pretty much back to normal". Yeah, I've gone back to school and I'm kind of living away from home again, but not really. In a way, I feel like I never really left home, because I have continued to come home every weekend. ::SHRUG:: Also, life circumstances (read: breast cancer) have gotten in the way, making me feel like I want to keep coming home and spending time with my mom on the weekends because I feel more like a little girl than ever right now and I don't want to miss any major changes that occur. I can't imagine what it would be like if I was living more than a 30 minute train ride away from my mom right now. I can't imagine how it must be for Ben, to have not come home this whole time. If I were him I would at least have wanted to have come home for a weekend recently, just to see that our mom is okay because I know he worries too much about stuff in general as it is. To make a kind of long story short, I feel like this whole thing must be so hard for him in more ways than one and I feel like I kind of have to keep coming home, as much as I might not want to, not for myself, but for him, so that I can be one more person to assure him that our mom is okay, and she's going to be okay because I feel like he needs all the assurance he can get at this point. He also has a lot on his plate right now, and the fact that his roommate goes home randomly and spontaneously some weekends, and the fact that he's having trouble learning how to budget his money certainly don't make any of this any better. ::SHRUG:: I'm sorry that this is so long and contains several run-on sentences, but I feel like if there's any place where I can just let my thoughts flow and not censor them and not have to worry about punctuation or run-on sentences, this is it.
Ok, I think that's all for this entry, but there is still another one coming (as I said at the beginning of this entry). Get excited, few (if any) people that read this!! I think this is the most that I have ever posted on here in a row since I started this blog.
More soon,
--Emily
I apologize in advance if this is boring or confusing. I'm still trying to get my thoughts together.
So...my mom always says that I don't have to explain the choices I make to her. She always says that the more I say, the worse it is (or the worse I make it?). I can't really give a specific example (and I know that's lame and vague, but I can't really help it) because there are too many times when this happens. I feel like I have to explain my choices to everyone else, but no one else seems to really mind except my mom. I understand that she's my mom and she should just love me no matter what choices I make and accept me and my choices no matter what (even if she doesn't think they are the right choices, although usually they are, and I'm not trying to brag or make it seem like I always make the right choices because I certainly do not. I am human, and I make mistakes just like everyone else. I'm sorry if it seems like I am being defensive. I'm probably apologizing too much. I'll stop now).
I'd like to think that because she's my mom it shouldn't matter to her how much I talk or explain or try to justify my choices (even though I know I shouldn't need to do that with her because she's my mom). I'd also like to think that more than anyone, she should be the one who just listens to me and doesn't try to shut me up or tell me that the more I say the worse it is. I feel like I've gotten so accustomed to explaining and justifying my choices to other people, that it's become a bad habit that I can't break now. I feel like it will be better when I go away to school again in the fall, and everything is pretty much back to normal, but part of me wishes that my mom would just listen to me. Here I go again not knowing what to say to her. When she does things like this it makes me feel like I can't talk to her about anything / I don't know what to say and what not to say / I don't know when it is appropriate to say certain things and when it's not appropriate. ::SHRUG:: I kind of want to fast forward through the next couple months and the summer, but I have several things to look forward to in the coming weeks (i.e. Passover and going to EC and Key West).
Ok, I think you can ignore the part about how "my mom always says that I don't have to explain the choices I make to her". I feel like that is not relevant now. There are several parts that I do think are relevant though. First of all, look at the line that says "I feel like it will be better when I go away to school again in the fall, and everything is pretty much back to normal". Yeah, I've gone back to school and I'm kind of living away from home again, but not really. In a way, I feel like I never really left home, because I have continued to come home every weekend. ::SHRUG:: Also, life circumstances (read: breast cancer) have gotten in the way, making me feel like I want to keep coming home and spending time with my mom on the weekends because I feel more like a little girl than ever right now and I don't want to miss any major changes that occur. I can't imagine what it would be like if I was living more than a 30 minute train ride away from my mom right now. I can't imagine how it must be for Ben, to have not come home this whole time. If I were him I would at least have wanted to have come home for a weekend recently, just to see that our mom is okay because I know he worries too much about stuff in general as it is. To make a kind of long story short, I feel like this whole thing must be so hard for him in more ways than one and I feel like I kind of have to keep coming home, as much as I might not want to, not for myself, but for him, so that I can be one more person to assure him that our mom is okay, and she's going to be okay because I feel like he needs all the assurance he can get at this point. He also has a lot on his plate right now, and the fact that his roommate goes home randomly and spontaneously some weekends, and the fact that he's having trouble learning how to budget his money certainly don't make any of this any better. ::SHRUG:: I'm sorry that this is so long and contains several run-on sentences, but I feel like if there's any place where I can just let my thoughts flow and not censor them and not have to worry about punctuation or run-on sentences, this is it.
Ok, I think that's all for this entry, but there is still another one coming (as I said at the beginning of this entry). Get excited, few (if any) people that read this!! I think this is the most that I have ever posted on here in a row since I started this blog.
More soon,
--Emily
Getting Sick and Tired of Coming Home Every Weekend
Ok, before I get to the actual point of this entry, I feel like I need to re-post an entry from over a year ago. The exact date of this entry was 2 / 12 / 2010. I re-read it just now, and I think it applies to my life again, with everything that's been going on with my mom:
Part of me feels like this entry is long overdue, because I have been sick and tired of living at home for a while now. However, there's another part of me that feels like I really shouldn't be complaining about this at all (and still another part of me feels like I'm going to look back at this entry and think it's stupid someday, and I feel like I say that about everything I complain about, but most of the time it's true). Before I go any further, let me just say that I know my mom has been suffering / going through a difficult time lately, but still. It seems like the littlest things are setting her off / making her angry, even more so than before, like the way it was when John was alive and going back and forth between living here (aka my house, where I live with my mom and Ben) and his mom's house. I feel like I can't say anything or do anything right in her eyes. I feel like it has always been this way, but now it's just worse. I don't really think that there's anything I can do about it, either. So for now until I go to school in the fall, I just kind of have to grin and bear it. I have to really think about what's worth fighting about and what's not, and the ways in which I talk and react to her.
There's a quote from the movie Bambi that I feel like I really need to remember right now: "If you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all" .
Now replace the part that says "because I have been sick and tired of living at home for a while now" with "I am starting to get sick of coming home every weekend". Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and feel like she needs my support more than ever now, and I love coming home and doing things with her, mostly because I get tired of doing things alone during the week (when I am not at work or class). There's a part of me that wants to stop coming home altogether, maybe just for a short period of time, because I feel like I need a break and I feel like I'm not really helping her (or myself, really) by coming home. I feel like she has such a great support system (between her sisters and friends and neighbors and other relatives) that I have kind of gotten lost in the shuffle and become the least important when really I should be the most important because I am her daughter. Now I'm not saying that I feel like I need to take care of her, because I have my own life and things to worry about / take care of, but I have that same feeling that I had after John died and while he was sick, that I can't say or do anything right in my mom's eyes. I feel helpless and useless. I know that I'm not either of those things, but that's how I feel.
I think that's all I wanted to say in this post. I'm gonna re-post another post from a while ago that I also just re-read, and I feel is relevant to my life again.
More soon,
--Emily
Part of me feels like this entry is long overdue, because I have been sick and tired of living at home for a while now. However, there's another part of me that feels like I really shouldn't be complaining about this at all (and still another part of me feels like I'm going to look back at this entry and think it's stupid someday, and I feel like I say that about everything I complain about, but most of the time it's true). Before I go any further, let me just say that I know my mom has been suffering / going through a difficult time lately, but still. It seems like the littlest things are setting her off / making her angry, even more so than before, like the way it was when John was alive and going back and forth between living here (aka my house, where I live with my mom and Ben) and his mom's house. I feel like I can't say anything or do anything right in her eyes. I feel like it has always been this way, but now it's just worse. I don't really think that there's anything I can do about it, either. So for now until I go to school in the fall, I just kind of have to grin and bear it. I have to really think about what's worth fighting about and what's not, and the ways in which I talk and react to her.
There's a quote from the movie Bambi that I feel like I really need to remember right now: "If you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all" .
Now replace the part that says "because I have been sick and tired of living at home for a while now" with "I am starting to get sick of coming home every weekend". Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and feel like she needs my support more than ever now, and I love coming home and doing things with her, mostly because I get tired of doing things alone during the week (when I am not at work or class). There's a part of me that wants to stop coming home altogether, maybe just for a short period of time, because I feel like I need a break and I feel like I'm not really helping her (or myself, really) by coming home. I feel like she has such a great support system (between her sisters and friends and neighbors and other relatives) that I have kind of gotten lost in the shuffle and become the least important when really I should be the most important because I am her daughter. Now I'm not saying that I feel like I need to take care of her, because I have my own life and things to worry about / take care of, but I have that same feeling that I had after John died and while he was sick, that I can't say or do anything right in my mom's eyes. I feel helpless and useless. I know that I'm not either of those things, but that's how I feel.
I think that's all I wanted to say in this post. I'm gonna re-post another post from a while ago that I also just re-read, and I feel is relevant to my life again.
More soon,
--Emily
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Quick Update # 2: More Cancer (as if I really need this in my life)
So, I already posted this on facebook, but I said I was going to post it on here as well, so here it is:
I'm procrastinating right now on writing a paper for school, but I felt like it was time for you people to know this. No offense to any of you who read this, but I feel like if you are important to me, then you already know what I'm about to say. If not, I'm sorry that this (or facebook, if that was how you had to hear about it) is the way you have to hear about it. What's that?? Get to the point already, you say?? Sorry.
My mom was diagnosed with stage two breast cancer towards the beginning of last month. She was on vacation with my step-dad's aunt in Puerto Rico and on the last night she did a self breast exam (which she never does, and I mean NEVER, so don't ask me why she did one aside from the fact that this was how she found the cancer, so it ended up being a good thing :)) and found it on herself. On 2 / 24 she had a lumpectomy, in which they removed the lump and 12 lymph nodes, only one of which came back as having something cancerous on it. Although the prognosis is good, she still has to go through chemo and radiation and be on an estrogen pill for five years. She starts chemo on monday (3 / 28).
Just wanted to inform the blog world of what's going on. I know that the process is going to be long and hard for everyone, but I just have to remember that when it's over my mom is going to be fine. The surgeon even told her that "you're gonna die, but you're not gonna die from this" :)
It's so hard to come home and see her upset, but there's a part of me that wants to keep coming home every weekend like I have been so that I don't miss any major changes (she's supposed to lose all her hair from the chemo, and I met her in the city on friday so she could get a wig...it's nice and curly and like her hair now, except a little red). I feel bad for my brother because although I know he knows he can come home any time he wants, and he is not really that far away (he is on Long Island), he hasn't said that he wants to come home any time soon, and he keeps saying that he can't wait to come home for his spring break (in the middle of April...like from Passover until the end of April). He has been calling our mom and talking to her every night throughout all of this (like he has been doing every night anyway since he started the program on Long Island), but I just can't even imagine how hard this is for him. It's hard enough for me, and I've been coming home every weekend and trying to see my mom in the city (that's where the surgery was, and where the chemo's going to be) whenever I can...while still trying to maintain / grow my social life in the city. It's hard. As much as I want to grow up and have a life in the city away from my mom, I feel like a little girl more than ever right now, and sometimes I just want my mommy.
I know that she enjoys it when I come home on the weekends, so I'm not going to stop doing so. I also want to keep coming home to be here for her and support her (even though I know she has friends and it's not like she's never lived alone before). But sometimes, like I said, it's hard to see her upset, and it doesn't mean we don't still fight about stuff. ::SHRUG:: I think that's all for now. More soon.
--Emily
I'm procrastinating right now on writing a paper for school, but I felt like it was time for you people to know this. No offense to any of you who read this, but I feel like if you are important to me, then you already know what I'm about to say. If not, I'm sorry that this (or facebook, if that was how you had to hear about it) is the way you have to hear about it. What's that?? Get to the point already, you say?? Sorry.
My mom was diagnosed with stage two breast cancer towards the beginning of last month. She was on vacation with my step-dad's aunt in Puerto Rico and on the last night she did a self breast exam (which she never does, and I mean NEVER, so don't ask me why she did one aside from the fact that this was how she found the cancer, so it ended up being a good thing :)) and found it on herself. On 2 / 24 she had a lumpectomy, in which they removed the lump and 12 lymph nodes, only one of which came back as having something cancerous on it. Although the prognosis is good, she still has to go through chemo and radiation and be on an estrogen pill for five years. She starts chemo on monday (3 / 28).
Just wanted to inform the blog world of what's going on. I know that the process is going to be long and hard for everyone, but I just have to remember that when it's over my mom is going to be fine. The surgeon even told her that "you're gonna die, but you're not gonna die from this" :)
It's so hard to come home and see her upset, but there's a part of me that wants to keep coming home every weekend like I have been so that I don't miss any major changes (she's supposed to lose all her hair from the chemo, and I met her in the city on friday so she could get a wig...it's nice and curly and like her hair now, except a little red). I feel bad for my brother because although I know he knows he can come home any time he wants, and he is not really that far away (he is on Long Island), he hasn't said that he wants to come home any time soon, and he keeps saying that he can't wait to come home for his spring break (in the middle of April...like from Passover until the end of April). He has been calling our mom and talking to her every night throughout all of this (like he has been doing every night anyway since he started the program on Long Island), but I just can't even imagine how hard this is for him. It's hard enough for me, and I've been coming home every weekend and trying to see my mom in the city (that's where the surgery was, and where the chemo's going to be) whenever I can...while still trying to maintain / grow my social life in the city. It's hard. As much as I want to grow up and have a life in the city away from my mom, I feel like a little girl more than ever right now, and sometimes I just want my mommy.
I know that she enjoys it when I come home on the weekends, so I'm not going to stop doing so. I also want to keep coming home to be here for her and support her (even though I know she has friends and it's not like she's never lived alone before). But sometimes, like I said, it's hard to see her upset, and it doesn't mean we don't still fight about stuff. ::SHRUG:: I think that's all for now. More soon.
--Emily
Sunday, March 13, 2011
A Poem for your reading enjoyment / thoughts and comments
So I used to post poems all the time on my Deadjournal and Facebook and stuff. I'm kind of surprised that I haven't posted that many here yet, but now I have one (Note: Sometimes my poems are only kind of poems, and by this I mean that I write my feelings out and kind of just put them in poem format. You'll see what I mean). Here goes (I wrote this one beforehand...this is a topic that has been on my mind for a while now, but I haven't really been able to get all my feelings about it out until now):
We've only known each other
For about 19 years
And we've only been best friends
For about 10.
That's one year longer
Than I was best friends
With my best friend before.
But I don't care anymore.
You might think
Why mention it
If I don't care
But if you just wait
You'll see where I stand.
I used to think it mattered
Who you called
Your Best Friend
But now I've realized
That it doesn't matter
Who you call
Your Best Friend
Or even whether you have one
Or not.
What matters is how
You think about and treat
The people that matter to you
The most.
Now I know we've had our
Differences
And I know we've had our
Fights
But aren't best friends
Supposed to stick together
Through peanut butter and feathers
And work it all out
In the end?
Now I know we all are
Really busy
And for some of us
It's right there
In our names,
Plain as day,
For all to see.
As clearly as if
It were written
On our
Foreheads.
And I know that some of us don't like
To communicate in old-fashioned ways,
When we have all this modern tech-no-logy.
I feel like I've given you
A world of space
And time to
Think this through.
And even though I am
Just over the bridge
Or through the tunnel
At most,
I feel
Like we
Are worlds apart.
I want you to know
That I miss you, babe,
And I feel like I
Am on the outside
Of the circle of your life;
I am Mufasa
After the stampede,
But wearing
The costume of Darth Vader
You are
Simba Luke Sky-lion-walker
And I feel like I don't know you
Anymore.
And I've tried to initiate
Communication
And conversation
But I got sick of
Making all the effort.
So I took a step back
And forgot for a while,
And waited for you, but
Nothing
Happened.
Now I realize we may have grown
A P A R T
And I understand
That that happens sometimes
But I still don't think I'm ready
To accept it yet.
Something I read somewhere
A L O N G time ago
Keeps running through my head: "eventually
you'll be able to let them go".
But when is
Eventually?
I'm sorry that this is so long, but I hope that you enjoyed it and will try to post again soon because there has been A LOT on my mind lately (more than just this). Sooooo...until another time (which like I said will hopefully be soon).
--Emily
We've only known each other
For about 19 years
And we've only been best friends
For about 10.
That's one year longer
Than I was best friends
With my best friend before.
But I don't care anymore.
You might think
Why mention it
If I don't care
But if you just wait
You'll see where I stand.
I used to think it mattered
Who you called
Your Best Friend
But now I've realized
That it doesn't matter
Who you call
Your Best Friend
Or even whether you have one
Or not.
What matters is how
You think about and treat
The people that matter to you
The most.
Now I know we've had our
Differences
And I know we've had our
Fights
But aren't best friends
Supposed to stick together
Through peanut butter and feathers
And work it all out
In the end?
Now I know we all are
Really busy
And for some of us
It's right there
In our names,
Plain as day,
For all to see.
As clearly as if
It were written
On our
Foreheads.
And I know that some of us don't like
To communicate in old-fashioned ways,
When we have all this modern tech-no-logy.
I feel like I've given you
A world of space
And time to
Think this through.
And even though I am
Just over the bridge
Or through the tunnel
At most,
I feel
Like we
Are worlds apart.
I want you to know
That I miss you, babe,
And I feel like I
Am on the outside
Of the circle of your life;
I am Mufasa
After the stampede,
But wearing
The costume of Darth Vader
You are
Simba Luke Sky-lion-walker
And I feel like I don't know you
Anymore.
And I've tried to initiate
Communication
And conversation
But I got sick of
Making all the effort.
So I took a step back
And forgot for a while,
And waited for you, but
Nothing
Happened.
Now I realize we may have grown
A P A R T
And I understand
That that happens sometimes
But I still don't think I'm ready
To accept it yet.
Something I read somewhere
A L O N G time ago
Keeps running through my head: "eventually
you'll be able to let them go".
But when is
Eventually?
I'm sorry that this is so long, but I hope that you enjoyed it and will try to post again soon because there has been A LOT on my mind lately (more than just this). Sooooo...until another time (which like I said will hopefully be soon).
--Emily
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Boy Stori(es)
This entry is going to be exactly what the title says: boy stories :D. In the past couple months I have been kind of involved with several "boys" (guys, men, whatever you want to call them...LOL). Well, four to be exact. Their names are Greg, Jason, Rob, and Gideon. You will see what I mean by involved as you continue to read. Part of it is the fact that since I've moved to the city I've been looking for friends of all genders and races because I really only know very few people (who are not family) who live in the city. I can't really think of how to do this, so I'm just going to start to describe them.
Greg I met at an event at the JCC (where I work) that was about dating. He is 31, which really is not a big difference, but I would prefer someone who is closer in age to me. Anyway, there were two monday night sessions of this event and he showed up to one of them and was wearing a shirt with names of broadway shows on it. I love broadway shows, so after the session I tracked him down and we struck up a conversation. He ended up giving me his business card (he created his own business, nymeetup.com) and telling me to find him on facebook. I kept forgetting, but then I went to the JCC Channukah party and he was there and we talked for a while. He invited me to some event that he was hosting for nymeetup.com. It was a play with audience participation that was actually really funny. I went and we sat together and had a good time, but at the end of the night he said something about going to a friend's birthday party (and I didn't feel comfortable going with him 'cuz I didn't know this friend) but he didn't even offer to walk me home (I know that's not considered common courtesy these days, although, really...what is common courtesy anymore?? I feel like it's pretty much been thrown out every window possible...LOL, but still, I feel like a guy gets extra points in my book if he even OFFERS to walk a girl home, considering the fact that not too many guys do that anymore.
Jason (who is 34, and a little too old for my taste) I also met at the JCC Channukah party and we talked a lot and ended up exchanging numbers and becoming friends on facebook and stuff. Then last week I was going to a birthright israel alumni event, and he messaged me on facebook to tell me that he was going too. I was going with my aunt (because my uncle is one of the founders of birthright and he was introducing the speaker, so I wanted to go see / hear him speak) but I told Jason that he could sit with us and that I would save him a seat. We ended up hanging out for a little while after my aunt and uncle left, until he had to go to the bathroom and was taking a while to get back. I was dancing alone when...
Enter: Rob, who is 31 like Greg, and went to Binghamton, like Jason. He came up to me and asked me what time the event was supposed to end. I told him I thought it was supposed to be over at 11, but that I was super hungry and didn't think there was any actual food there (and by actual food I mean stuff that is not snacks). I explained that I had come straight from work and didn't really have time to eat. We got to talking for a little while, and then he asked me if I wanted to go get something to eat. He took me to this place called Rosa Mexicano that serves mexican food and is right near my apartment. The food was really good and Rob paid for it, which is a plus :D, and then he walked me home without even asking me if I wanted him to. Another plus!! :D He called me the next night or something and asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner again this (past) thursday night. I said that I had jazzercise, but that I would love to meet him afterwards, so we ended up meeting at this really nice vegetarian indian restaurant called Pon Gal (on Lexington between 27th and 28th). The food was really good and I was so stuffed afterwards, but Rob suggested we go for drinks, so I was like, "why not?". We went to this bar called Stone Rose in the Columbus Circle shopping center and each had 2 drinks. The only thing about Rob that I don't really like is that I find myself doing a lot of the talking for whatever reason (whether it's the fact that I'm nervous / don't really know him and the silences are kind of awkward so I try to fill them, or something else...I have no clue). I did however, learn that we like a lot of the same TV shows and music and stuff...so that's another plus...but I dunno. ::SHRUG::
Finally, there's Gideon. He works with me at the JCC and is 24 and went to Bard and majored in philosophy. He loves children, like me (otherwise I'm not so sure he'd be working at the JCC), and also really likes music. We have not actually gone out and done anything together, but we do see each other 3 times a week, as I work monday, tuesday, and wednesday. All the other people I work with are girls, and I feel like there's one person in particular who might also have a crush on Gideon. She works there one more day a week than I do, so they spend more time together, and I saw them hug the other day. I'm not really sure if it meant anything or not, but still...it was a hug. In case you can't tell, I'm a little jealous of this girl. I really need to just get my act together and ask Gideon to do something (i.e. go out to lunch or dinner, go to a museum, go bowling, etc.). I feel like there has to be a right moment, though (i.e. when no one else is around). I tried asking him what he was doing last weekend. This was on monday of last week, and he said he wasn't sure but that he would know by wednesday. By the time wednesday rolled around, I forgot to mention it to him again because there wasn't really a good time to do so, and I ended up leaving early because a lot of the kids were getting picked up earlier than usual. ::SHRUG:: I'm definitely gonna keep looking for that "right time" to ask Gideon to do something, though. I really like him and I really want to pursue this.
In other kind of related news, my aunt has a new system for rating men (I believe I talked about her "whelmed" system in a previous entry. I don't feel like explaining it again right now 'cuz I'm kind of tired, but maybe I will at some point). Basically, she says that women (particularly women around my age) go around looking for men that are 10s and passing up the men that are 6s. I would probably rate Greg and Jason as 6s. I would give Rob a 7, and Gideon a 9. These ratings are mostly based on looks and approachability (i.e. how comfortable I feel with said guy / how easy he is to talk to, etc.).
I think that's it for now, and probably tonight. I wanted to write one more entry, but I don't think that's gonna happen tonight, as I'm pretty tired. So, until next time (which will probably be tomorrow).
--Emily
Greg I met at an event at the JCC (where I work) that was about dating. He is 31, which really is not a big difference, but I would prefer someone who is closer in age to me. Anyway, there were two monday night sessions of this event and he showed up to one of them and was wearing a shirt with names of broadway shows on it. I love broadway shows, so after the session I tracked him down and we struck up a conversation. He ended up giving me his business card (he created his own business, nymeetup.com) and telling me to find him on facebook. I kept forgetting, but then I went to the JCC Channukah party and he was there and we talked for a while. He invited me to some event that he was hosting for nymeetup.com. It was a play with audience participation that was actually really funny. I went and we sat together and had a good time, but at the end of the night he said something about going to a friend's birthday party (and I didn't feel comfortable going with him 'cuz I didn't know this friend) but he didn't even offer to walk me home (I know that's not considered common courtesy these days, although, really...what is common courtesy anymore?? I feel like it's pretty much been thrown out every window possible...LOL, but still, I feel like a guy gets extra points in my book if he even OFFERS to walk a girl home, considering the fact that not too many guys do that anymore.
Jason (who is 34, and a little too old for my taste) I also met at the JCC Channukah party and we talked a lot and ended up exchanging numbers and becoming friends on facebook and stuff. Then last week I was going to a birthright israel alumni event, and he messaged me on facebook to tell me that he was going too. I was going with my aunt (because my uncle is one of the founders of birthright and he was introducing the speaker, so I wanted to go see / hear him speak) but I told Jason that he could sit with us and that I would save him a seat. We ended up hanging out for a little while after my aunt and uncle left, until he had to go to the bathroom and was taking a while to get back. I was dancing alone when...
Enter: Rob, who is 31 like Greg, and went to Binghamton, like Jason. He came up to me and asked me what time the event was supposed to end. I told him I thought it was supposed to be over at 11, but that I was super hungry and didn't think there was any actual food there (and by actual food I mean stuff that is not snacks). I explained that I had come straight from work and didn't really have time to eat. We got to talking for a little while, and then he asked me if I wanted to go get something to eat. He took me to this place called Rosa Mexicano that serves mexican food and is right near my apartment. The food was really good and Rob paid for it, which is a plus :D, and then he walked me home without even asking me if I wanted him to. Another plus!! :D He called me the next night or something and asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner again this (past) thursday night. I said that I had jazzercise, but that I would love to meet him afterwards, so we ended up meeting at this really nice vegetarian indian restaurant called Pon Gal (on Lexington between 27th and 28th). The food was really good and I was so stuffed afterwards, but Rob suggested we go for drinks, so I was like, "why not?". We went to this bar called Stone Rose in the Columbus Circle shopping center and each had 2 drinks. The only thing about Rob that I don't really like is that I find myself doing a lot of the talking for whatever reason (whether it's the fact that I'm nervous / don't really know him and the silences are kind of awkward so I try to fill them, or something else...I have no clue). I did however, learn that we like a lot of the same TV shows and music and stuff...so that's another plus...but I dunno. ::SHRUG::
Finally, there's Gideon. He works with me at the JCC and is 24 and went to Bard and majored in philosophy. He loves children, like me (otherwise I'm not so sure he'd be working at the JCC), and also really likes music. We have not actually gone out and done anything together, but we do see each other 3 times a week, as I work monday, tuesday, and wednesday. All the other people I work with are girls, and I feel like there's one person in particular who might also have a crush on Gideon. She works there one more day a week than I do, so they spend more time together, and I saw them hug the other day. I'm not really sure if it meant anything or not, but still...it was a hug. In case you can't tell, I'm a little jealous of this girl. I really need to just get my act together and ask Gideon to do something (i.e. go out to lunch or dinner, go to a museum, go bowling, etc.). I feel like there has to be a right moment, though (i.e. when no one else is around). I tried asking him what he was doing last weekend. This was on monday of last week, and he said he wasn't sure but that he would know by wednesday. By the time wednesday rolled around, I forgot to mention it to him again because there wasn't really a good time to do so, and I ended up leaving early because a lot of the kids were getting picked up earlier than usual. ::SHRUG:: I'm definitely gonna keep looking for that "right time" to ask Gideon to do something, though. I really like him and I really want to pursue this.
In other kind of related news, my aunt has a new system for rating men (I believe I talked about her "whelmed" system in a previous entry. I don't feel like explaining it again right now 'cuz I'm kind of tired, but maybe I will at some point). Basically, she says that women (particularly women around my age) go around looking for men that are 10s and passing up the men that are 6s. I would probably rate Greg and Jason as 6s. I would give Rob a 7, and Gideon a 9. These ratings are mostly based on looks and approachability (i.e. how comfortable I feel with said guy / how easy he is to talk to, etc.).
I think that's it for now, and probably tonight. I wanted to write one more entry, but I don't think that's gonna happen tonight, as I'm pretty tired. So, until next time (which will probably be tomorrow).
--Emily
Saturday, February 12, 2011
New Year's Resolutions: Too Little Too Late??
Ok, I know this post is waaaay overdue, but I just want to say that in my opinion it is never too late for new year's resolutions. I don't normally make new year's resolutions, but something about this new year's was special to me. I feel like a lot of people were promising that nothing else bad was going to happen this year because a lot of bad things happened last year (i.e. deaths, sicknesses, etc.). Anyway, I only really made two new year's resolutions this year, and so far I think I've been sticking to them pretty well, considering everything else that's been going on in my life (which I will get to in the next several entries, to come pretty much immediately after this one. AKA the few people that read my blog are VERY SPECIAL :D).
My first new year's resolution was to start taking an exercise class of some kind. When I was in college, I started taking jazzercise with my mom during breaks and over the summer. I even did it with her pretty much all last year while I was living at home. When I moved to the city, after I finally got adjusted (which took a pretty long time...I've been living there for about 7 months and I don't think I've really fully adjusted yet, but I'd say it took me a good 3 or 4 months to get semi-adjusted. Sorry if that seems confusing or doesn't make sense.) I felt like something was still lacking, so I decided that I was going to take up jazzercise on a regular basis again (I had gone once or twice with my mom on thursday evenings when I could get home, but I felt like that wasn't enough). I was kind of waiting for the right time to start / to find a place that was close to me. I think it was sometime in december or around new year's that I got a groupon (I joined groupon shortly after moving into the city to try and get good deals on things near me and kind of find out what was going on near me and stuff like that) for jazzercise, and I found that the one closest to me was near penn station and would not be hard for me to get to. I started going a couple weeks ago, and it's different and more intense than the jazzercise I'm used to (it's also in a kind of small, cramped, and crowded room as opposed to the big gym that I'm used to, but I'm adjusting to that small detail) but it's good and at least I'm exercising and sticking to my resolution. :D
My other resolution was to try to keep in touch with friends better. I've realized that if there are certain people that I want to keep in touch with I have to be kind of proactive about it. I also have to remember to do things when I say I'm going to (i.e. call people back, etc.). I feel like I've always had problems with keeping in touch with people, and I'm not really sure why. Sometimes I get sick of initiating conversations all the time, but I've realized everyone's different. For example, I love to talk on the phone, but some people don't or don't really have time to be able to sit and talk to other people on the phone. I feel like my main form of communication these days has become, texting, e-mail and facebook, but then again, people don't always respond. I'm not really sure where I was going with this and I have more that I want to write about on several different topics, so I think I'm going to end this entry here and maybe come back and edit it at a later time.
EDIT 2 / 27 / 11: I think what I wanted to say before is that you have to try several methods of communication with different people, in order to find out which ones they respond to best, because everyone's different. After a while though, I find that if I've tried several methods of communication and the person still doesn't respond to me, I just kind of give up. ::SHRUG:: I think that's all for now. I may come back and edit this again at a later time.
--Emily
My first new year's resolution was to start taking an exercise class of some kind. When I was in college, I started taking jazzercise with my mom during breaks and over the summer. I even did it with her pretty much all last year while I was living at home. When I moved to the city, after I finally got adjusted (which took a pretty long time...I've been living there for about 7 months and I don't think I've really fully adjusted yet, but I'd say it took me a good 3 or 4 months to get semi-adjusted. Sorry if that seems confusing or doesn't make sense.) I felt like something was still lacking, so I decided that I was going to take up jazzercise on a regular basis again (I had gone once or twice with my mom on thursday evenings when I could get home, but I felt like that wasn't enough). I was kind of waiting for the right time to start / to find a place that was close to me. I think it was sometime in december or around new year's that I got a groupon (I joined groupon shortly after moving into the city to try and get good deals on things near me and kind of find out what was going on near me and stuff like that) for jazzercise, and I found that the one closest to me was near penn station and would not be hard for me to get to. I started going a couple weeks ago, and it's different and more intense than the jazzercise I'm used to (it's also in a kind of small, cramped, and crowded room as opposed to the big gym that I'm used to, but I'm adjusting to that small detail) but it's good and at least I'm exercising and sticking to my resolution. :D
My other resolution was to try to keep in touch with friends better. I've realized that if there are certain people that I want to keep in touch with I have to be kind of proactive about it. I also have to remember to do things when I say I'm going to (i.e. call people back, etc.). I feel like I've always had problems with keeping in touch with people, and I'm not really sure why. Sometimes I get sick of initiating conversations all the time, but I've realized everyone's different. For example, I love to talk on the phone, but some people don't or don't really have time to be able to sit and talk to other people on the phone. I feel like my main form of communication these days has become, texting, e-mail and facebook, but then again, people don't always respond. I'm not really sure where I was going with this and I have more that I want to write about on several different topics, so I think I'm going to end this entry here and maybe come back and edit it at a later time.
EDIT 2 / 27 / 11: I think what I wanted to say before is that you have to try several methods of communication with different people, in order to find out which ones they respond to best, because everyone's different. After a while though, I find that if I've tried several methods of communication and the person still doesn't respond to me, I just kind of give up. ::SHRUG:: I think that's all for now. I may come back and edit this again at a later time.
--Emily
Thursday, December 30, 2010
"If you call, I will answer"
The title of this post is from a song by the Barenaked Ladies called "Call and Answer" but I'm not sure that it actually has anything to do with the post itself. I just had it in my head, and it seemed like a good title for a post.
I have a question, and I'm not quite sure how to preface it (or even really how to word it for that matter) so I'm just going to say it: Why is it that guys always tell me that they like me (liked me) after the fact (when there's no chance that I will ever see them again / we are far away from each other, etc.)??? I swear, I've had at least 3 guys from college be like "I wanted to get with you when we were at Earlham but a). I was too shy, b). I wasn't sure that you would want to / I thought you had a boyfriend".
The only reason I'm mentioning this now is because I'm talking to someone on facebook who's doing it. For the purposes of confidentiality, I'll call him Rimshot. Rimshot was on the basketball team at EC and he was a Psychology major, so I kinda knew him, but I was pretty sure that the whole time we were at EC (or most of it) he had a girlfriend (who he is now engaged to, BTDubs).
So Why???? Why me??? Why now??? And why does the conversation always center around sex?? Not that that's a bad thing, but I'm highly inexperienced so I feel like I can't really talk when the conversation turns to sex, and at the same time I feel like sex is something that should be talked about between you and the person you want to be intimate with and no one else. Yes, I understand that guys like to brag sometimes about the sexual things they do with girls, and that's perfectly fine, but there are soooooooooooooooooo many other things in the world to talk about!!!
::SHRUG:: I'm not sure where I was going with this. If anyone even still reads this, you should be happy that I posted at all. Maybe I'll come back and edit this later. For now, I think that's all I wanted to say. I'm kind of surprised that I hadn't mentioned anything about this before, though. I feel like guys and their creepiness and liking me after the fact / not liking me at all when I liked them was a huge topic in my deadjournal. ::SHRUG:: Ok, that's really all for now. More soon.
--Emily
I have a question, and I'm not quite sure how to preface it (or even really how to word it for that matter) so I'm just going to say it: Why is it that guys always tell me that they like me (liked me) after the fact (when there's no chance that I will ever see them again / we are far away from each other, etc.)??? I swear, I've had at least 3 guys from college be like "I wanted to get with you when we were at Earlham but a). I was too shy, b). I wasn't sure that you would want to / I thought you had a boyfriend".
The only reason I'm mentioning this now is because I'm talking to someone on facebook who's doing it. For the purposes of confidentiality, I'll call him Rimshot. Rimshot was on the basketball team at EC and he was a Psychology major, so I kinda knew him, but I was pretty sure that the whole time we were at EC (or most of it) he had a girlfriend (who he is now engaged to, BTDubs).
So Why???? Why me??? Why now??? And why does the conversation always center around sex?? Not that that's a bad thing, but I'm highly inexperienced so I feel like I can't really talk when the conversation turns to sex, and at the same time I feel like sex is something that should be talked about between you and the person you want to be intimate with and no one else. Yes, I understand that guys like to brag sometimes about the sexual things they do with girls, and that's perfectly fine, but there are soooooooooooooooooo many other things in the world to talk about!!!
::SHRUG:: I'm not sure where I was going with this. If anyone even still reads this, you should be happy that I posted at all. Maybe I'll come back and edit this later. For now, I think that's all I wanted to say. I'm kind of surprised that I hadn't mentioned anything about this before, though. I feel like guys and their creepiness and liking me after the fact / not liking me at all when I liked them was a huge topic in my deadjournal. ::SHRUG:: Ok, that's really all for now. More soon.
--Emily
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Long Time, No Post
Well, it's been FOREVER since I last posted on here. I'm not sure if anyone still reads this anymore, but hello to anyone who does. A lot has happened since I last posted on here. I've been adjusting to living in the city (but still coming home on the weekends because I really haven't made any friends / don't like to really do things on my own), I've had several jobs, and I've been taking classes at Fordham. I've really been enjoying my classes (I finished for the semester on the 16th, but I start up again on the 13th). I've met a nice group of girls and we have lunch together on thursdays between classes, but we've never really done anything outside of class.
Recently I've been working at the JCC in Manhattan 3 days a week (monday, tuesday and wednesday) in their after school program. We have what are called clubhouses where the kids come to eat snack and do their homework and get ready for their various classes (ballet, gymnastics, swimming, karate, etc). I work in the junior clubhouse with 4-7 year olds (my favorite ages :D). We also have a senior clubhouse, though for kids who are 8-12. I really like this job. My job before this was at Smarter Toddler Nursery and Preschool. It was okay, but the hours were weird (I was working in the afternoons...although I'm working in the afternoons now as well and I don't mind it), I wasn't really getting paid a lot, and I was just basically working wherever they needed me, whenever they needed me (it was kind of on a day to day basis, I didn't have a set schedule).
I had to take some time away from this post to eat dinner, and now I forget what I wanted to say. I might come back and edit it later, but that's all I wanted to say for now.
--Emily
Recently I've been working at the JCC in Manhattan 3 days a week (monday, tuesday and wednesday) in their after school program. We have what are called clubhouses where the kids come to eat snack and do their homework and get ready for their various classes (ballet, gymnastics, swimming, karate, etc). I work in the junior clubhouse with 4-7 year olds (my favorite ages :D). We also have a senior clubhouse, though for kids who are 8-12. I really like this job. My job before this was at Smarter Toddler Nursery and Preschool. It was okay, but the hours were weird (I was working in the afternoons...although I'm working in the afternoons now as well and I don't mind it), I wasn't really getting paid a lot, and I was just basically working wherever they needed me, whenever they needed me (it was kind of on a day to day basis, I didn't have a set schedule).
I had to take some time away from this post to eat dinner, and now I forget what I wanted to say. I might come back and edit it later, but that's all I wanted to say for now.
--Emily
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